Yes, The World Hates You

Listen. Let me say that I don’t begrudge a person a way to make a living. This list will not include Insurance salesmen or real estate folk, because we all need certain levels of insurance, nor will it include strippers, waiters, writers, fluffers, shit shovelers and ball scratchers/attorneys.  There are just certain careers where certain tactics are employed to rope in unsuspecting family and friends into “Business opportunities of a lifetime” or “I can offer you the deal of the century” kind of gigs.

These fucking humps were sold a bill of goods, or embarked on a career where attention and bugging the shit out of you is the way to go and now they need to schlep it to every Harry Paratesticles they know.

#4. Local Actors

Acting in some capacity since their first grade Christmas pageant where they were Vixen and were caught picking their nose on video camera, now they are playing the lead in the off, off, off Broadway, civic theater version of Capote at the Masonic Temple, which is the acting equivalent to coaching the Massillion Mustard Farts to the little league 4-5 year old tee-ball title.

They wouldn’t be so bad if they wouldn’t be so pompous about their abilities. Seriously, you don’t need to hammer us with emails and texts stating that for one night only, you feel like an Tony Award winner because, well, you aren’t. And for the record, you can’t sing and the funniest part of your High School senior play was when you sharted green apple splatter while hitting the high notes in Hello Dolly! THAT was gold, pure gold.

#3. Environmentalists

Global warming, greenhouse gases, tainted water, pesticides, carbon footprints, tree killing, good fucking lord leave me alone already! Is there nothing better to do with your time than harass 40 million people about the hazards of eating a tomato grown in Southeastern Iowa because they used a pesticide that doesn’t agree with the local grub worm population? Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick. Thanks to you cock knockers I have a low volume toilet that I have to flush fourteen times to choke down that really sloppy, Titanic looking turd, using 14 times the amount of water I would have used had I just used my “Great Lakes Water Level Lowering” Toilet once. Get a real job and quit trying to dissect my living habits, you tree hugging bully.

I’m looking at you Al Gore…

#2. Car Salesman

In what other profession can you be pulling the little round Bingo balls at the  Tony Randall Convalescent Home and Child Day Care and go on a ramble about about the upcoming “Dollar Extravaganza only at Shitbox Subaru Hyundai Yugo”?

None, that I know of.

And why do you need to accost me to say that all models are on clearance and you’ll give me an even better deal if I could tell five of my friends to go to Shitbox Subaru Hyundai Yugo and then pass the savings onto me?

Truth be told, I could show up with my cock in my hands loaded with peanut butter and offer a smudge of that as a down payment and you guys would do it, so quit bombarding me with mailers and fliers and phone calls, jackass.

#1. Multi-Level Marketing/”This isn’t a Pyramid scheme” Schlep

Suckers. This is any get rich scheme designed as an Independent Business or Franchisee where there is “little up front cost” yet you get your bowels sucked out of you with the proverbial wallet plunger for the cost of everything else. These people have to set up house plans where you invite as many people as you know, to show the plan, the way to financial freedom in only 12 months, blah diddy fucking blah. These folks are real bad, filled with golden dreams of boats and riches and nice houses and never having to work for “the man” ever again so long as you buy your own soap or exotic fruit drink at 5,000% mark-up.

I’d rather dry hump a whole side of beef jerky loaded with bees while my cock was dripping with honey, thanks for playing.

Mazel. Good things.

Which ones did I miss?