Jan
08
Even Burger King Gets it Right Once in Awhile
I was going to write a little something about how I ate the perfect Whopper at Burger King today, an amazing feat considering the utter shit they usually serve up at that joint. But instead allow me to simply post the actual Instant Message conversation Bobby Finstock and I had about it. I think it will get my point across just as well. Here it is:
Donk (8:41:03 PM): i had a whopper at burger king today that was so good it almost, ALMOST made me believe in jesus
Bobby (8:41:22 PM): you eat at burger king?
Donk (8:42:17 PM): rarely if ever. that’s why it was such a pleasant surprise. it was like the freshest burger i’ve had at a fast food place. it made me have a little pre-cum
Bobby (8:43:03 PM): but it is no in and out
Donk (8:45:41 PM): in all honesty, this ONE burger could actually compete. it was like living in a fairy tale where i found the one enchanted burger in a kingdom of otherwise shitty burgers
Bobby (8:46:54 PM): I can’t even wrap my head around that
Donk (8:47:04 PM): fresh pickles, crisp lettuce, juicy onions, a fresh bun, loads of mayo, melted cheeses, and a big floppy burger. I’m half aroused right now
Bobby (8:47:45 PM): damn that does sound good
Donk (8:47:58 PM): does a hamburger have a clitoris? because i would have gently massaged it.
Bobby (8:49:04 PM): and their shitty fries didn’t ruin it?
Donk (8:50:36 PM): Why are you trying to ruin my romantic moment asshole? My ballbag just shriveled away to nothing.
Donk (8:51:10 PM): Dare I return for another Whopper? Dare I?
Bobby (8:51:13 PM): I knew that would happen
Bobby (8:51:23 PM): I don’t think you can tempt fate
Donk (8:52:11 PM): Probably not, sadly. But I swear I would lick the King’s starfish for another whopper that heavenly.
Donk (8:52:25 PM): Now hold me, I’m emotionally spent.
Bobby (8:52:59 PM): lol
My question stands: dare I go back? Dare I? And if so, what awaits me? This?
or this?
Nope. Don’t do it. All other Whoppers will now seem like toothless Asian hookers to your Brittany Murphy (a la 8 Mile).
Might I suggest Wendy’s? Or cooking your own?
Cooking my own. LOL
Whatever you do….don’t do it. It will ruin your last experience, if the passing of it doesn’t do it.
Breaking news: I just passed it and it was fan-fuckingtastic. Thanks burger king!
The fact that you passed it 5 minutes later … priceless.
Don’t do it. Just dream about this burger and hope that another one turns up again in the future either at the same place or a new restaurant.
I agree with Matt, try wendy’s and if you lived in D.C., VA or Maryland I’d tell you to head to Five Guys, they rarely disappoint when it comes to burgers.
Ew. I don’t eat burgers. Or fast food. So I would say don’t go back. You’re just fooling yourself into thinking it can happen two times.
But I love me some In n Out! Rawr.
Want to hold my whopper?
You just had a one-night-stand with the supermodel of burgers. Leave it at that or you might just end up “dripping special sauce” from another random Burger King encounter.
I suspect this was the equivalent of some sort of atmospheric disturbance causing the scrambled porn channel to come in picture perfect quality for the briefest of moments, never to be recaptured. Walk on with your good fortune, sir. Or at least beat one out until the picture changes.
On a side note, I enjoy the regional taste of Whataburger.
Seriously? Whataburger is maybe my least favorite burger. What’s up with all that mustard?
I just got back from lunch and I blame this article for making me ask for a Happy Ending after ordering my Junior Bacon Cheese Burger.
More importantly – did you get your happy ending?
Turns out it was “self-service” only. That didn’t stop me.
Go to Wendy’s. I think in my entire life, I have only had one bad burger there.
True enough. But I stopped going there a few months ago when they shrank their value menu burgers down to the size of Verne troyer’s cute little fist.
“Big floppy” and “loads of mayo” had me laughing.
My boss calls mayo the devil’s sperm. I love mayo. You can imagine how the conversations get nasty real quick.
I realize that was totally irrelevant, sorry.
No other comment. Congrats on the burger, and have a nice day!
oh, but if you do tempt fate, put your laptop in the bathroom beforehand, so we can all have a laugh at your misery
Bill Gray’s or Tom Wahl’s near Rochester = best burgers EVAR.
Best tasting/smelling Whopper? Check out firemeetsdesire.com Better than Mayo?!
did you really pre-cum at food?
HAHAHAHAHAHA!