A realistic resolution
I have made one public resolution on this blog the entire time I have written it, one that I thought was personally pretty reasonable, it was to eliminate left handed people from the world. However as I said in 2007 you have totally failed me and left handed people continue to walk amongst us. Not being a fan of New Year resolutions I felt that a plan with aggressive goals was the only way to go but it has become apparent that it is a tad unrealistic.
So instead of coming up with a resolution that is a beyond my grasp because it is way too aggressive or unrealistic I have decided to relent and create a personal resolution, making it something that is obtainable. (Apparently genocide isn’t easily done.) This year I will overcome my hatred/fear of public restrooms.
I like to poop. There is something to be said about the solace of quietly reading a magazine in my bathroom where nobody can bug me. For me it is an enjoyable event that is relaxing… well depending on what I had to eat earlier in the day. This feeling though is only reserved for the home restroom. At work or in public this is something that isn’t obtainable. Because this peace isn’t something I can get in public I do everything in my will power to only use the restroom at home.
This probably isn’t something that is neither good for my health nor conducive to living a normal life. So I have decided to overcome this fear before I move to NYC. For the next month each time I have to poop I am going to leave my house and go to any number of public restrooms near my house. The first one… Starbucks. Then I will graduate to places that will probably have dirtier setups like Pizzeria Unos and Quiznos. Finally when it is all said and done I will use the restroom at the gas station at the end of the street.
I should become a therapist or maybe I should see one? I guess it could go either way.
What is something you want to overcome?
My fear of being nasally violated or my fear of the number 4 (or tetraphobia). Screw the Count, counting is not fun.
Oh and also, penguins. Gotta get over that fear. “Happy Feet”, my ass.
Penguins are the devil’s bird.
The rejection of the big boobed blonde. It is my resolution to get in her pants
I think that is something we can all get behind… not like in a train or anything.
All I can do here is commend you for your incredible bowel control, I just can’t hold a poop that long or I’m sure I’d end up with “rats nose touching cloth”.
As for that peace you seek whilst pooping? Never have children. I haven’t taken a private dump in 7 years. Joy of joys.
Seeing as I always break resolutions I made one last year to continue smoking forever. As a result I have been nicotine free for 1 year.
Congrats on the smoking thing.
When I prairie dog I have to go… And that isn’t a good thing like me destroying the bathroom at the Finagle a Bagel near the Boston Commons while my girlfriend at the time sat outside the bathroom and wondered why I was in there for twenty minutes.
That is usually when my worst fear is realized.
No I get the kid thing. My nephew just pops open the door on my parents and starts talking to them. I lock the bathroom door when I am there and it like blew his mind that he just couldn’t walk into the bathroom and bug me.
I tried locking the door. It ended with my giving up, unable to concentrate because of the crying on the other side of the door. I hate children sometimes, especially mine.
The destruction huh? I smell a blog.
THAT’S what you smell? A blog? I smell corn.
Ya know, removing the left hand would have automatically converted them to righties without a need for extermination.
The key to the peace, of which you speak, in public restrooms is anonymity – which isn’t really possible in the office restroom.
I hate public restrooms so I am limited to advising the use of those that are cleaned on a regular basis – of course there are relative few of those available to the great unwashed masses in NYC.
And please, remember the courtesy flush!!!
You are right about removing the hand. But then I have to look at nubs or crappy prosthetics so death is the only way to go.
The good thing about where I will be working is that the bathroooms are locked from the public and are only for the companies on the floor and their clients. There is only like one other company on the floor and only three other males that work in my office. So I think I may be able to go in there and relax while shitting. Which is key to me accepting employment.
As a lefty, I am glad your resolution failed, and I wish you every luck with your fear of public restrooms. This year, I wish to overcome pregnancy. It’s wearing me out.
I still do everything in my power to not poop in public places. I don’t have a fear of it I just don’t like doing it. If I absolutely have to drop the kids at the pool I will use a public restroom but otherwise I save it for the throne at home.
Eventually, you will move up to crapping in the street. It will be like being in Paris in the spring.
Of course the homeless will just look at you like it’s just another day.
Long live the poop blog! I trust this means we’ll have entertaining poop stories for the month to come….
I now have a New Years Resolution to not get my coffee at that Starbucks twice a week. Even though running into you walking out of a bathroom with a rolled up copy of Cosmo under your arm would have been incredibly funny.
I saw my ex boss walking out of the office bathroom with a newspaper. I started laughing and pointing at him. His face turned red and he pulled me into his office and gave me a lecture on how to be polite.
darcie, that is so funny, i would have done the same thing:)
as for me i can take a dump any place, even in the forest, and once or twice i had to go in the forest without toilet paper, so i used leaves.
It just a state of mind.
I can walk naked in front of anyone and not like a lot of people that want to cover up.
That resolution will gel nicely with my resolution this year:
Throw my poopy toilet paper at men in public restrooms.
Yeah. I’m looking at YOU.
Public restrooms are gross. Of course, I also have a shy bladder. If there’s so much as someone in another stall I can’t even pee!
IF YOU NEED A THERAPIST, I WOULD BE WILLING TO GIVE YOU A DISCOUNT AND A YEAR’S WORTH OF TOILET PAPER ROLLS.
WTF?
Public restrooms? YUCK.
I will never fuck you.
The worst rest rooms are those fast food places on the side of road along those lonely freeways of the country. The Wendy’s between Phoenix and Flagstaff can get pretty doozy.
I’m so grateful the SS didn’t take me out for being left handed, that way I can pass Finstock a piece of Charmin under the “stall-wall”
I was at Borders and really had to poop. well I farted in an aisle i thought i was alone, a guy who worked there told me the “flatuance” section was “that way” and pointed to the bathroom. I don’t like public bathrooms either.