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Jan
07

The Five Funniest Rapists in Entertainment

By: Bobby Finstock on 01/7/09 @ 11:59 am

Rape in general isn’t a funny thing. In fact I would like to say I am staunchly against it. But when it is awkwardly portrayed or inferred in a movie it can be downright hilarious. Here are five rapists or potential rapists that will be utterly funny to me until the end of time.

5) The Guys from Deliverance- This movie is where male on male rape acquired a soundtrack. It is a scientific fact that whenever a man hears “Dueling Banjos” their assholes tightens by at least 25%. Plus it led to Ned Beatty having to spend the rest of his life having random people in the street tell him that they were going to make him squeal like a pig, which just has to suck.

4) Pepe Le Pew- It is clichéd to talk about Le Pew being a rapist but I blame him for spurring on a couple generations worth of psychos. The lesson that Le Pew teaches young men is that when a woman says no she is just playing hard to get. Since she is playing hard to get you can do just about anything to get her including giving her a fake identity, drugging her, and forcing yourself on her. Way to go Warner Brothers… Way to go.

pepe-le-pew

3) David McCall in Fear- Ok so Marky Mark didn’t rape Reese Witherspoon’s character (he just finger bangs her on the roller coaster). But we can infer he would if he successfully abducted her and killed her father. The reason why this character cracks me up because it ruined my ability to ever take Marky Mark seriously just because of the line, “So let me in the fucking house.”

He could be starring in a remake of Schindler’s List and I would be in the movie theatre laughing thinking of him punching himself in the chest after William Peterson shoved him.

2) Annie Wilkes in Misery- I refuse to believe that Annie Wilkes didn’t do something nasty to herself with the mangled remains of Paul Sheldon’s feet. You have to think being alone in that house for so long and being so remote that a woman would have needs. Or maybe that is what the pig was for?

1) Any guy in a Lifetime Movie- Each week I am pretty sure that Lifetime has a new movie either about spousal abuse, rape, or someone’s kid getting killed. Every single one of those movies ends the same way with the attacker getting killed by the victim. The thing is the victim is always someone that had a sitcom or drama in the 1980s and hasn’t worked in like ten years. Hey look it’s Daphne Zuniga!

When the mom from Family Ties or someone from The Facts of Life is gunning you down it makes it hard for me to feel that you are threatening.

What move criminals can you not take seriously?

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About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

23 Responses to “The Five Funniest Rapists in Entertainment”

  1. Elbow says:

    FAIL…

    CHESTER THE MOLESTER

  2. Wilma Fingardu says:

    What about when the Bash Brothers raped those foreign hockey players in D2?

  3. Jaime says:

    I’ve never thought of Pepe Le Pew that way before, but you have a good point. Way to go LOL.

  4. Vince says:

    Keeanu Reeves & M. Night Shamalamadingdong. I feel like I have been rapped everytime I watch one of their movies. I immediately feel the need for a shower afterwards but the pain still doesn’t wash off.

  5. Robot Monkey says:

    How about Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern in those “Home Alone” movies? Are you honestly gonna tell me that after the first time he drops a safe on them, these supposedly hardened criminals don’t turn to each other and say, “Oh, so it’s gonna be THAT kinda party…” before they go all Adam Walsh on his ass?

  6. Brandi Shae says:

    I’m going to watch Fear on Hulu right now! I’ve never seen it!

  7. Sophie says:

    Kurt Russel’s Stuntman Mike in Death Proof. I could take him, the blubbering idiot.

  8. PJ says:

    I’ve been canoeing down a river in Arkansas and the whole time that damn banjo was playing in the back of my mind.

  9. Anne Bancroft in “The Graduate”. Poor Dustin Hoffman. So scarred he ended up dressing like a chick in one of his more famous movies.

    (Do you think that the young ‘uns will get the late 60’s reference or will they think it is a new reality show on ABC?)

  10. Tits McGee says:

    Meredith Baxter is dead, you cold bastard.

    Kidding.

  11. C says:

    I’m too braindead to think of any, but the blog title itself is hilarious.

  12. Chris says:

    Yes, indeed, Ned Beatty has had a rough go of it…

    A coworker was present when he walked into a bar, and evidently Did Not React Well when someone said “squeal like a pig!”

    Must suck…

  13. TedtheDread says:

    “The lesson that Le Pew teaches young men is that when a woman says no she is just playing hard to get. Since she is playing hard to get you can do just about anything to get her including giving her a fake identity, drugging her, and forcing yourself on her.”

    Laughed my ass off. :D

    Now having an ass replacement operation.

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