Rape in general isn’t a funny thing. In fact I would like to say I am staunchly against it. But when it is awkwardly portrayed or inferred in a movie it can be downright hilarious. Here are five rapists or potential rapists that will be utterly funny to me until the end of time.
5) The Guys from Deliverance- This movie is where male on male rape acquired a soundtrack. It is a scientific fact that whenever a man hears “Dueling Banjos” their assholes tightens by at least 25%. Plus it led to Ned Beatty having to spend the rest of his life having random people in the street tell him that they were going to make him squeal like a pig, which just has to suck.
4) Pepe Le Pew- It is clichéd to talk about Le Pew being a rapist but I blame him for spurring on a couple generations worth of psychos. The lesson that Le Pew teaches young men is that when a woman says no she is just playing hard to get. Since she is playing hard to get you can do just about anything to get her including giving her a fake identity, drugging her, and forcing yourself on her. Way to go Warner Brothers… Way to go.
3) David McCall in Fear- Ok so Marky Mark didn’t rape Reese Witherspoon’s character (he just finger bangs her on the roller coaster). But we can infer he would if he successfully abducted her and killed her father. The reason why this character cracks me up because it ruined my ability to ever take Marky Mark seriously just because of the line, “So let me in the fucking house.”
He could be starring in a remake of Schindler’s List and I would be in the movie theatre laughing thinking of him punching himself in the chest after William Peterson shoved him.
2) Annie Wilkes in Misery- I refuse to believe that Annie Wilkes didn’t do something nasty to herself with the mangled remains of Paul Sheldon’s feet. You have to think being alone in that house for so long and being so remote that a woman would have needs. Or maybe that is what the pig was for?
1) Any guy in a Lifetime Movie- Each week I am pretty sure that Lifetime has a new movie either about spousal abuse, rape, or someone’s kid getting killed. Every single one of those movies ends the same way with the attacker getting killed by the victim. The thing is the victim is always someone that had a sitcom or drama in the 1980s and hasn’t worked in like ten years. Hey look it’s Daphne Zuniga!
When the mom from Family Ties or someone from The Facts of Life is gunning you down it makes it hard for me to feel that you are threatening.
What move criminals can you not take seriously?
A quick favor:
I have two friends up for awards this week: The Mattress Police and The CDP… If you could take a second and vote for them I would truly appreciate it. Vote for The Mattress Police here and vote for the CDP here. Thanks.