My New Years Resolutions Are…
So, the calendar flipped over a few days ago. I have been in detox from the “holiday” after I tried swallowing whole bottles of Creme de Menthe and Aftershock because I wondered what the taste of Peppermint and Cinnamon tasted like together.
They don’t taste good at all.
Lesson learned.
But now that it is a new year, I have been hearing a lot of schmucks out there spewing out their “New Years resolutions”, those nifty little promises that we make for ourselves on how we are going to be better people in the “New Year”. They’re never kept, blown by mid-January, made by losers that use a new year as an excuse to make a life change that would have been just as effective on May 23rd.
Well, I have never made resolutions in the past, but, now, eh, what the hell. here are three resolutions I made for 2009, the Year of the Nuthugger Jeans…
1. I resolve to finally embark on my porn career.
Being a veteran of those wonderful free sites themselves, I have decided that if a lot of those pimply-assed, buzz cut, steroid induced meat-floggers can lay the pipe to the meat curtains, then I can too. I figure all I need is to shave myself all over, wax my asshole, get a retarded tattoo on my forearm and the obligatory razor wire, rename myself ‘Bob Slurpmyknob’, call some guy in Malibu named Jackie Treehorn and whammo! I’ll be pearl necklacing the best of waxed-mudflap, watermelon titted, tramp stamping, make-up running-all-over ladies the industry has to offer.
I’m gonna make hundreds!
2. I resolve to hang out at my state’s Department of Motor Vehicles and be the “Vanity Plate Czar” at each location.
Sure it is an unofficial position within the confines of the State’s government, but it is a necessary one. Why?
There is no reason that a 250 lb. woman with a hairlip, a fupa and a faint aroma of singed ring baloney has to have the license plate “CUTIEPI”. I see that and I see the license plate “HRTATCK” or “LRGCURD”.
Or the guy that wears the camouflaged hat, Lee Jeans stained with his remmants from not properly wiping and the cut off t-shirt that says Wine ‘er, dine ‘er, 69′er that wants the license plate “GITRDUN”. Sorry sir. That one is permanently retired. But, I will offer “UNORGNAL” or “RETRDED”, or “TINYDIK”.
This position has been years in the making.
and…
3. I resolve to go well out of my way to screw everyone else’s New Years resolutions up.
Yep. I’m a big fuckin’ dick.
For that fat-ass receptionist that’s never been nice to me, who resolved to not eat sweets and lose weight? I will show up every day with a box of bear claws and a 2-liter of Jolt Cola and just eat it slowly in front of your Krispy Kreme ass.
To that loser douchebag from accounting that resolved to spend more time with his family? I will make sure I show up at 5pm each and every day and say, “Hey! What say you and I hit the titty bar and get shitfaced? Those sluts NEED our money! Besides, your wife is fucking that dude from Production!” I really just want you fired, is all.
To that person that has resolved to be a calmer, safer, more patient person? I will drive slow in front of you, I will fuck paperwork up (if I ever turn it in on time…or at all), I will tell you your kids look like they have permanent goiters and need to lay off the Twinkies…go ahead. Yell at me. Hehehe…
That’s about it. I can’t concentrate on actually making myself a better person, that’d be silly. So, you’ll see me…eventually. One way or another.
What were your New Years Resolutions? I vow to screw them up.
Damn the educational value of thsi site continues into the new year. I have never heard of “fupa” and now I have. Thank you sir.
I resolve to be yet a bigger jackass than i have been in the prior years.
git er done
I have learned a lot from Urbandictionary. I can’t tell you how many people are impressed with my new found vocabulary. So, I’m glad that I could help you good sir!
This is true…if it weren’t for you gentlemen I wouldn’t know what a mushroom tattoo OR an Angry Dragon was. The More You Know, ding DING ding.
Well, knowing is half the battle.
PLEASE write about your new and improved vocabulary! I had to go look up FUPA and Angry Dragon and now I want MORE dammit!
new years resolution…
be as cool and smart as matt warren..:P
can i be your friend:P
I detect a hint of sarcasm in your comment. Maybe not, my sarcasdar has been off lately.
I like your idea of going porn and hanging out at the DMV; perhaps these wonderful worlds should tie-in together for the upcoming Bobby Finstock DVD collection.
PS. I also like the new look where we comment; it’s the little things that count
Well if I am going to go porn, I better get those tattoo’s going then. I also might want to either lose a lot of weight so that I look like a wet noodle humping a watermelon or at least practice those crazy coitus faces.
You should see our DMV. It is a collection of all the finest society has to offer. That has to be true everywhere though, doesn’t it?
I love the DMV idea I think I will start doing that here in D.C. Although I am more likely to get shot here in D.C.
My buddy thought about getting vanity plates and I suggested to him D-Bag and he asked why. I told him that only douchebags have vanity license plates and pretty much as soon as I said it we saw an old guy driving one of those new Thunderbirds, baby blue with a vanity plate. My favorite one though is a Corvette I saw that had plates that said KALEL. I think the car should have been taken away from him and he sould have been beaten.
More likely to be shot in D.C. than in Detroit?
I would love to see someone deliberately get the license plate “D-BAG”. Then I’d know they are making fun of themselves and preemptively striking the rest of the world from making fun.
Ok so we are both likely to get shot.
If someone actually did get that as a vanity plate I would mock him i’d probably give him the thumbs up for admitting what he is.
You totally could do porn, ya know. I’ll admit I’ve fantasized about your John Thomas. I can admit this.
Jackie Treehorn treats objects like women, man.
Well, Mr. Treehorn draws a lot of water in this town. You don’t draw shit.
So, what do I do in these fantasies? Convulse for three and a half minutes then fall asleep?
Baste my face. Duh.
Silly me. And here I thought you swallowed.
Yes please. Over ice cream.
Your plan has one flaw. By doing these things you will become a better person in two different ways.
1 You’ll be doing a service to society by policing a place that I am unable to get to. Stupid people deserve punishment.
2 By making everyone that tiny bit worse, you make yourself a tiny bit better by comparison.
I say it’s worth the risk of being better to screw all these people over. Good luck.
I never looked at it that way. If I must do public service, well, I guess I’ll just have to.
You might want to consider the amount of room “Bob Slurpmyknob” takes up on the marquee and go for something like “Mike Hunt” or “Dick Hardy”, you know, something short and sweet – oops!
Or maybe its better to choose a name that is long and hard.. to pronounce.
How about Hugh Jeffincock?
not only do u have to wax ur asshole, u have to bleach it too
… i’m just sayin.
i have never made a new years resolution & it never really worked out for me, so this year i thought i’d give it a try.. i made 4
1. workout everyday
2. stop partying so much
3. stop dating younger men
4. get organized
yeah… um… hasnt happened yet… maybe tomorrow… i’m just sain =]
I resolved to stay away from you, but i just can’t quit you man. *sniffle*
More vocab fa sheezy!
The only resolution I haven’t broken is to never make another resolution again!
Luva yours tho.
Fupa is strong but I much prefer to call it a “GUNT” sort of like Damone from Fast times…part Gut, part cunt..GUNT.