Dollar Stores: How Celebrities Should Know Their Careers Are In The Tank
Let it be known here that I can’t stand dollar stores. Nothing reeks of desperation, sorrow and just plain cheapeality (new word, you like?) than these places. I’m convinced that the people that frequent dollar stores live in rat infested holes complete with 70’s style hot plates, a cardboard roof and a “nightstand” made from a jar of piss and feces.
With that being said, my kids love dollar stores. Why? The only theory I have is that a). they don’t really have an income that hits the double digits and b). they’ll spend money on anything because, well, they have to, even if it is on a one legged hooker doll by the name of “Sacramento Sindi”. And the only place one can find Sacramento Sindi is…
Dollar Dumpster…or whatever they name these shit holes.
I happened to be at a dollar store the other day with my kids. Apparently, they didn’t get enough mind-bogglingly expensive shit for Christmas, and they each had four dollars, so we “had” to go. Reluctantly, I took them, but only under the promise to them that we wouldn’t stay long because it’s been known that the Arab traders that run these joints abduct little kids that loiter in their stores and sell them to the sex slave market.
But, I have to admit. I did get a good chuckle out of the one we went to. I mean, aside from the piles of randomly placed shit in wire shelves (cheap detergent right next to a Scarface mirror? Genius!). I certainly learned one thing that celebrities might want to understand going forward. These places will inform you if your career is headed to or already in the shitter simply by seeing if you are on the dollar store shelves in any capacity.
Here’s the proof you need.
The Backstreet Boys Photo Card Set.
The Backstreet Boys haven’t been relevant to anything in show business since 1997, and I’m still amazed that they were relevant at all. However, teens and twenty something in the late 90’s had soppy panties over them, and soppy panties = cash in the mind of the entertainment executive, so, fuck me, eh? (If only I could be so effective at making panties sop, instead of creating the usual wretching noise associated with smelling a nasty chili fart.)
Seriously, Achmed the Dollar Store owner, how hard did the vendor you bought these cards from to sell in your store laugh at you when you spoke in broken English, “I need ten packs of Backstreet Boys photo cards”? My guess is he pissed in his Dickies.
Desperate Housewives “Dirty Laundry” Board Game for a $1.99.
My, how the mighty have fallen eh? It was only a few years ago that Wisteria Lane crud was everywhere, and the bat shit crazy women of the world were relishing the fact that random whoring out to neighbors was socially acceptable. But, if seeing this on the shelves of Dollar Dingleberry’s across the nation doesn’t convince ABC execs to cancel this show and finally put these senior citizen women to pasture, I don’t know what will.
Grey’s Anatomy Posters.
I actually liked seeing this sign that the load of unbelievable crap that is known as Grey’s Anatomy is in it’s death spiral. I know that it’s Hollywood and I know that it’s supposed to be fiction, but Grey’s Anatomy is about as conversation worthy as the latest load of shit Tyler Perry is anal easing out on TBS under that “Medea the Hostile Honky Hater” franchise. Memo to retarded women everywhere…Grey’s Anatomy is not real, would never happen in a real hospital and the fact that a lot of you actually believe that you can fuck a ghost proves to me that I have not been trying hard enough to convince you all that you need to have sex with me.
You know what? I changed my mind. I will become a regular Dollar Store shopper. It’s only a matter of time before I can buy a Hayden Panettiere semi nude cheerleader poster licking something like it is my cack, and that is a good thing.
Anyone else notice this phenomenon in Dollar Stores?
I’m still proud of myself for never seeing a single episode of Greys Anatomy or Desperate Housewives…
I’ve seen Hannah Montana hand sanitizer…seriously. So hopefully that means she’s on her way out.
In Boston your cack is a cawlk.
I’m proud of you too for that. And yeah, I saw a Hannah Montana thingamabob there also. But it was random crap that grandmas buy kids to make it seem like they are “with it”. Hopefully, she (Hannah, not gramma) goes away soon.
stupid banter
Julie Arlana Roller please leave your name when you comment.
Julie Roller does realize that this is a humor blog, right? I mean does “pointless banter” not give that away? At least she is reading, so we got that going for us.
you forgot the dollar britney spears condoms … though i hear they’re mostly ineffective
lol, JD. Good one. I saw an Ashley Simpson karaoke disc too. You don’t even need to sing along to it…HEY YO!
The dollar store here.. everything is one dollar.. Even the preggo stick tests. I have pictures.
Those are some reliable ass preggo sticks if you can get them at the dollar store. Hey! They wouldn’t happen to be next to those Britney Spears condoms would they?
If you can believe it… and try to believe it, those test are more sensitive then the ones you pay a lot more for… so most women who are trying to get pregnant stock up on the $$ store ones!
Please tell me that’s not really shit in piss floating in that jar.
I dont know why but whenever I have gone into dollar stores I feel like I’m going to get lice. Not a cold, not the flu, not TB…lice.
I have no idea why. Needless to say it keeps me far away from them.
I think that’s piss and shit in that jar. I didn’t inspect it that closely. I was really looking for the jar that Anton Jackson used in “In Living Color”…you know, his “facilities”?
haha! Anton Jackson.
“May your liquor be cold, your women hot and your problems slide off like snot.”
You’re out of order…he’s out of order…
ok, as a former hospital worker…
That stuff does, for the most part, happen in the hospital.
It’s just that the people are not that HOT!
As for the ghost story line… whatever, I keep hoping we find out that she has a brain tumor… if not, I will have to stop watching that show.
I’m going to start frequenting these places only if to determine whether I will be out of a job anytime soon… The moment I see a Hayden poster, it may be time to start sending out the ole resume.
I really like dollar stores. Mostly because hilarity ensues when you start really looking at crap there.
Matt, This was on Jimmy Kimmel the other day…Jay Leno was his guest and Jimmy, trying to convince Jay that he should really focus on more writing, traveling and a renewed career in stand up. He then came up with a newspaper circular for a dollar store that has copies of Jay’s lame attempt at children’s lit “If Roast Beef Could Fly”, .99 cents, Limit of 5 copies.
I shop at the dollar store. I do! I reek of cheapeality. More correctly, my paycheck reeks of cheapeality! But I can buy a small Kraft ranch dressing for 3.50 at regular grocery store or I can buy Kraft dressing (a bigger bottle, mind you) for $1. I was raised thrifty.
However, I have noticed that after weekly shopping trips to said dollar store and food maxx I am seriously depressed for the rest of the evening and wash my hands like you jerk off.