The Night Before Christmas…Matt E. Warren Style

This is kind of long, in retrospect. But, it embodies the very spirit of Christmas as I have come to know it. Enjoy!

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It’s the Night Before Christmas, and I’m slouching at my home. The beer and rum I have been swilling, are circling my dome.

My socks have stinky holes in them, my furnace is on the fritz. I ate lots of Hormel chili today, and now I have the shits.

My children are tucked neatly in bed, somewhere a hundred miles away. I’m sure they’re so excited to get up, with all new toys which to play.

I had no worries this snowy Christmas Eve, my TV was so great. I parked my ass in front of it all night, all the while I masturbate.

Suddenly, I noticed outside there was a shitload of commotion. I popped the La-Z-Boy back into place, knocking over my bottle of lotion.

“What the fuck is going on”, I shouted across the way, “Can’t you see it’s late at night, what are you, fucking gay?”

“Don’t yell at me, you fucking dick”, the fat man said with a grunt. “I’m here ’cause I need a place to crash, and get away from that mean ol’ cunt.”

The wind and snow that swirled outside, soon gave way to him. This unkempt sloppy guy in red, showed up smelling of gin.

“Why Santa, what the fuck are you doing here? Oh, you smell of cheap purfume. That lipstick is all on your nice collar, what in God’s name did you do”?

“I got caught out in this nasty storm, you see, so I thought I’d hit the tavern. Little did I know that place, shows titties and all female caverns.

I got myself a-hammered there, and of course I made some comments crude. I just wanted to feel Zoe up, when she said ‘no’, I called her a prude.

The owner called the cops on me, that dick said I caused a riot. He said he’d kick my ass outside, I said I’d like to see him try it.

But, I am out on house arrest, you see, I cannot go back to jail. That pesky Ohio pedophilia charge, they’d deny my only chance at bail.

So here I am to come see you Matt, I knew tonight you were alone. I brought some wonderful gifts for you, some nice movies for you to own.”

“Why Santa, I didn’t really think, or knew that you existed. Shouldn’t you be out delivering gifts, instead of here with me just being wasted?”

“Shit no, my very concerned friend, presents and stuff I no longer deliver. UPS handles all that shit for me now, why the hell would I want to go shiver?

Besides I am no longer allowed to be anywhere, within one hundred feet…of children anywhere on the planet Earth, a molestation charge is tough to beat.”

So Santa, or Nick he said he liked to be called, and I sat with two cold beers. His eyes were all glassy like, he smelled of stank ass, but still he wanted to say “Cheers”.

He took a swig and opened up his bag, and pulled out two tiny boxes. I could tell they were some DVD’s, and on the cover were two very hot foxes.

“This shit you have to see my boy, it fills my days with much pleasure. You have no idea how obsessed I am with this, for time with it I cannot measure.”

“Santa, did you bring me raunchy porn, as your wonderful gift to me? How the hell did you know with myself I play, so very religiously?”

“Son, I can see you when your sleeping, and I know when you’re awake. The cops let me keep all of that monitoring equipment, boy that was their mistake.

You do it a few times a day, you do, good friend, to free online midget porn…you’re better than that my son, you see, besides your keyboard is worn.”

So, out he popped a raunchy vid, one starring hot Jenna and Janine, when he said, “now take a look at this, this is too fucking good to believe.”

“Now I pause and rewind, I tap stop and hit play. I zoom and I slow, I fast forward all day. I use my left hand to easily manage the show, let my right do the rest ’til I’m ready to blow.”

“Holy crap, my man Nick, I don’t get why you do this. Your a fuckin’ pervert, Mrs Claus would be pissed.”

“Aw fuck that old woman”, he said “She has no clue. Besides she dumped me for Jack Frost, which is why I moved to Peru.

It’s warm down there, there’s tons of drink and the chicks down there are all hotties. The North Pole and that frigid bitch, the elves, fuck them, and their tiny bodies.”

“I’m sorry to hear that St. Nick”, I said, “I can see why you feel so alone. And I now know why you have a penchant for porn, and sitting and waxing your bone.

But, really, I don’t need any of this, yet, I am quite appreciative of it. I suggest you take this back home with you, for if I get caught my wallet gets hit.

If my kids get one peek of this so called film, the one with “Jack Mehoff” on the cover, my custody schedule goes right down to zero, and the State will just want to hover.

So really, old man, you need to take this and leave, the sun will a soon come a-calling. Besides in the morning I need to drive all over the place, for without me my kids will be a-bawlin’.”

“Matt, I admire your loyalty to your kids, and making sure their wishes come true. So I’ll take leave of you now, just like you asked, let me leave just one more thing for you.”

The old man dug way down deep in his sack, and felt around everywhere on bottom. Suddenly he popped right up and said, “here take this and hold em, you’ll need these come autumn”.

I looked and looked but my vision was blurry, until one moment it became clear, why I couldn’t believe my stinkin’ eyes, “Santa, why are you giving me more beer?”

“That’s no ordinary beer my son, why don’t you peek in the box underneath it” …and lo and behold, like a sparkling pearl, there they were, 2009 Cubs World Series tickets.

I just stopped and stared at them, tears welling my eyes and said, “thank you Santa, I’m IN!” And as he stumbled and stammered toward his red El Camino, he said, “Relax, I didn’t say they’d win”.

And off he drove, in that nasty old rust bucket, loud muffler, dodging the cops for the night. I walked slowly back into my place, sat down, and suddenly everything felt right.

Nobody would believe of this story I tell, for the magic of Santa does not include gin. But, I say you better believe me come fall, because those fucking Cubs have to win.

Off to daydream I went that night, visions of bars out on Addison and Clark. Hot women, Chicago, good beer and my friends, October partying through dark.

Ahh, Christmas, that wonderful time of the year, when wishes come true one and all. This is bullshit, this time of year just plain sucks, wake me up when it’s time to PLAY BALL!

THE END

I hope that you all have one hell of a great Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hannukah, Festivus and New Years or whatever you decide on celebrating this fine season!

From Me, to You.