WalMart: Real Entertainment Value
This post was supposed to be put up a few days ago, before my esteemed colleague Mr. Finstock posted how Staples is the entertainment capital of the retail world. I’m gonna have to disagree with that, while appreciating that Staples is a great place for threesomes. But, in reality, the only people that patronize Staples are:
- jelly-filled, power hungry, PMDD having “office managers” sent there to make sure that Office Depot isn’t charging $0.01 more for a pack of Bic pens, and…
- the clueless business owners that sent them there, hoping that buying a Thermos on special with the latest laptop will make a good Christmas present.
Nay, the real entertainment, a true microcosm of sheer idiocy that only mainstream society can provide is located at none other than Wal-Mart.
Ah, yes. Wal-Mart. Stale bread, three year old DVD’s, people that smell like monkey butt and Chinese manufactured crap available to the masses at the lowest cost around can only do one thing…bring out the eejits. People like:
The overweight, sausage smelling, hairy upper-lipped piece of shit woman insisting that she ride a Rascal haphazardly all over the store.
It’s one thing to be physically disabled. Maybe you have a wracked vertebrae, a diabetes infested leg that smells just south of cheese, a goiter large enough to throw off ones sense of balance…those people require some assistance. I don’t have a problem with them using a Rascal to do their shopping. I am referring to the people that clearly have the ability to walk under their own power but are just too fuggin’ lazy to do so.
The funny part of it was that I saw this woman walking into the store with no issues, only to see her 10 minutes later sucking back chicken wings from the Wal-Mart deli, with the remnants left in her cart while she drove like Ricky Bobby through the housewares section looking for the perfect deer antlered place mats. I’m pretty sure that I saw her take out a Mexican family like they were bowling pins, and knock over that stack of Jonas Brothers posters that had 14 year old girls sopping in their “Juicy” labeled panties. I really wanted to run at her like she was Dallas Clark coming over the middle to my John Lynch* and knock her clean on her ass, then take a wicked piss all over her rats nest she calls “hair”.
The grown men that actively argue about children’s toys. Hey guys. I know it was clever that Steve Carell’s character in 40 Year Old Virgin had unopened boxes of toys that made him a ton of money even though he hadn’t sniffed a vagina, well, ever. But in reality, two grown men arguing over whether or not Optimus Prime was better at battle than Megatron in the toy aisle of the store is a recipe for two things…living in momma’s basement and serial killing.
Really, I didn’t know quite how to react to listening to this shit, this side of taking out a Jeff Gordon tree ornament and breaking it while insisting that it’ll fit inside the one guys asshole. Leave the arguing over 1980’s toys to the 10 year old’s of today, virgin.
People that insist that NASCAR Christmas ornaments are wonderful, time honored things to possess.
People really buy this shit? Nothing says, “Yay, a little child born of the Virgin Mary in a manger” than a Martin Truex stocking hangin’ from that thar mantle. Whoo-wee! Is that a Kurt Busch car set of lights? Get me a Budweiser and we’ll light that bitch up and pray to baby Jesus! Hallelujah…retard.
So, there you have it. Now, you may ask, ‘Why do YOU go to Wal-Mart, mister high and mighty people hater?” I only go to Wal-Mart because, well, I am so broke that even people with welfare checks and WIC coupons laugh at me and recite, “If you ain’t got no money take yo broke ass home…” and I feel shame.
*sigh* Can’t win ‘em all. At least I have seen/played with a vagina before. So, I got that going for me.
Happy Festivus everyone!
I live in the true south and resent the constant insults hurtled at our region. Like it is all wonderful in Michigan.
Actually I havnt seen the nascar stuff in walmart but have seen it at Target. And why in the world woudl you want to make fun of the handifat? They can’t help it that they are fat – oh wait I guess they can. I swear I actually saw a person taking deepfried, breaded wings and dipping them in cheese dip and drinking the ever present large diet coke.
Oh, I wasn’t taking a shot at the South per se, aside from the drawl on NASCAR. Yeah, we have a lot of issues here in Michigan. They’re just as bad here, I assure you.
Handifat. Ha!
Walmart ALWAYS provides hours of entertainment.
ALWAYS.
You got that right.
What about the grown men who buy up all the McFarlane sports figures and leave the sucky players for the kids? The basements of my thirtysomething year old friends look like NFL locker rooms while my nephew’s toy box looks like the NFL’s unemployment line.
Good call. I didn’t mention them because I only witnessed an actual conversation between two grown men over Optimus Prime and was just mesmerized by the sheer “no pussy gettin’” smell radiating off of them.
But, you’re right. What about dudes that have fatheads all over their walls and many jerseys of other grown men in their wardrobes?
I can introduce you to about 100 of those guys in my neighborhood, and it’s sad to say, I claim them as friends.
i can deal with all the handifats, 25+ year old virgins, and such. what i can’t stand are the parents that don’t watch their kids. little sally mae and billy joe running up and down the aisles with their heelys on bumping into buggies. laquanda and le’monjello tripping over old folks and shit.
i can’t stand that shit. i get the sudden urge to just trip those kids up whenever i see them
Line them up and drill them like my football player reference.
Le’monjello? Excellent, Kate. Just excellent.
le’monjello. that’s hilarious.
i got molested by a kid like that once when i was at walmart.
i was standing at the photo kiosk having some photos printed and minding my own business, when a kid that was running around and was also probably hopped up on pixie dust ran right into me and hit my ass. naturally, i was shocked at what happened.
but the cougar in me thought it best to just let him go and run back to his mom.
Walmart–the best place to play redneck bingo!
you got that right, even in the suburbs Wal-Mart still brings out more mullets and mustaches then anywhere else.
I’m sorry you both have it wrong.
The french are the way to go
Target (tar jay) is both international and cheap
Optimus Prime. Hands down.
I got to Walmart everytime I need to feel superior to the masses. And taller than the masses. It’s just a sea of black hair to me . . .
Well fuckme I left a comment and it didn’t show up. It was damn funny too! Well at least to me it was.
There is a lag between when comments are being posted and when they are showing up because of heavy traffic today.
Luckily ‘My’ Walmart is too far away for me to be bothered with. I do, however, have one of the most dirty and repugnant Target’s on the planet within 2 miles of me.
Only go if you’re looking for a case of ringworm. Boston also has Building 19…I’ll never step foot in that place AGAIN!
What’s Building 19? Besides of course one of the least creative names of a store I’ve ever heard.
I saw all of this while trying to find a snuggie/slanket!! Merry X-mas fuckers!
I shop at Wal-mart because I too am broke…
You know you’ve made it when you can afford to avoid Wal-mart!
Once upon a time walking to my car in the Wal-mart parking lot I witnessed a couple of guys having a heated discussion on D & D. They were arguing who should be the dragonmaster.
In Wal-mart I’m the mom who makes the kids hold on the side of the cart and not run in the aisles or anything else that could be considered fun in a busy crowded wal-mart. So, then I get nasty old fuckers, wanna be pedophiles saying, “Ah mom they’re just kids. Let’em have fun.” WTF? So you can grab them you nasty old dude, no way…
That’s all… Missy