8 Things That Newspapers Can Do to Lure Their Readers Back
The Newspaper Industry has been bleeding readers for years now. But it’s gotten particularly bad this year, with overall circulation down almost 5%. Many people blame the Internetz. How could this be? I mean, why would anyone want to read up-to-the-minute postings loaded with video and hi definition pictures for free when they can get day-old news and fuzzy color photographs that rub off on your hands for $20 a month?
You’d have to search the web for seconds and seconds to find this much news
Call me puzzled. But the reality remains – newspapers are failing, and failing fast. Lucky for them I am ALL OVER THIS ISSUE. Here are 8 easy ways that newspapers could lure back their readers almost over night. And for a consulting fee of 10.5 million dollars, I will gladly help them implement them.
1. Draw little doodles on the pictures
Hell, it made Perez Hilton famous, why not take a page from his playbook? Who wouldn’t want to see Nicolas Sarkozy with a cum dribble on the side of his mouth, or Janet Napolitano with a penis drawn on her crotch?
2. More tragic news
People are sick and tired of you telling us about how great everything is. We GET IT newspapers, life is grand and people are inherently good. What we want is blood. Sweet, sweet blood.
3. Replace the comics page with Manga porn
C’mon, let’s be honest, no one really cares about Garfield anymore. What we want is hot animated action.
Can you guess what’s happening to the mom from Family Circus in this frame?
4. Have an all celebrity editorial page.
Can you imagine the insights to be gained from such stalwart minds as Lil Wayne, Britney Spears, and Gwen Stefani? The mind just about boggles.
5. Print Your Newspaper on tasty fruit roll-ups.
6. All pics, no text
Fuck it, just give the people what they want already. Blah blah blah, nuclear proliferation blah blah blah, recession…just shut up and show me a Natalie Portman nip-slip pic, k?
7. Write all of your articles in txt speak
Sample Article:
PRSDNT-LCT BRCK OBM HS PCKD GP RP. RY LHOOD OF ILLNS 2 BE HS NMNEE FR TRNSPRTTN SCRTRY TW SOURCS TLD CNN ON WDNSDY.
TW DMCRTC SOURCS ALS SAID OBM WLL TP MRY SCHPR 2 HEAD TH SCRTIES AND EXCHNG CMMSSN.SCHPR IS CEO OF TH FNNCL INDSTRY RGLTRY AUTHRTY TH LRGST NNGVRNMNT RGLTR FR AL SCRTIES FRMS DNG BSNSS WTH TH U.S. PBLC. SH IS A FRMR SC CMMSSNR AND SRVD AS CHAIRMN OF TH CMMDTY FTRS TRDNG CMMSSN IN 1994 DRNG TH CLNTN ADMNSTRTN.
8. Beg
Fuck it guys, this is no time for pride.
haha, nice! all your suggestions could be a hit
if I was a newspaper publisher I’d consider embedding a “scratch” lotto ticket somewhere within each issue; and it would justify bumping up the newsstand price
Or even better – scratch and sniff articles
Didn’t the New York Daily News and the New York Post do that?
I’d totally buy the paper if it was made of fruit roll ups, it would save time because I wouldn’t have to stop to pick up breakfast.
Of course the downside is that this country would get fatter than it already is.
they should print them on Egg McMuffins if they really want to increase their circulation
that is wrong. Fruit Roll ups are in fact FAT FREE.
i would buy it if it was printed on tasty fruit roll-ups!
That text speak has be spinning. Its another language, might as well be fuckin’ Madarin Chinese.
Soon all of our papers WILL be printed in Chinese
Um…number 6 already exists…it’s “The OC Post.” They advertise themselves as “the newspaper for people who don’t have time to read.”It’s almost entirely pictures and graphs.
Isn’t it also called the USA Today?
Wait, they still publish USA Today?
‘Sup Donk? Long time… are you up to your armpits in dirty diapers? haha
I’m a dinosaur, I read at least one newspaper almost daily. But I like the idea of fruit roll-ups.
The collapse of the news paper industry is kind of troubling, actually. It’s not that I’m a particular fan of paper but rather that the news available on the internet isn’t as good as in quality newspapers.
Sure, there’s lots and lots of news, and a vast sea of vacuous commentary available for free online. The problem is that most of it is short, poorly researched and so concentrated on being up-to-the-minute that there’s no time for real investigative reporting or meaningful analysis.
On the cheap-fast-good triangle, the web has two locked up but it’s the third that’s most important.
If they started putting prizes in the newspapers like Cracker Jack boxes- only cool prizes, not crappy red decoder plastic things that show you a picture of a stupid sock in a maze- I would totally buy the paper. Oooh, or if I knew that one in every 20 newspapers had a five dollar bill hiding in it, I would spend the $0.85 a day for a paper, because I might win $5, and who wouldn’t want to win $5 for spending $0.85- and even if you don’t win, well, you still get the news, I guess.
It’s sad that I can read that Text Speak (and I never text).
This was excellent. Laughed out a few times.
Well done. Was there supposed to be a Family Circus cartoon graphic in here?