Rain Man’s Brother Must Have a New Flick…
…coming out because I’m already tired of his fuckin’ mug all over the damn place. The Today Show, Good Morning America, US Magazine, People Magazine, Field and Stream, Sperm-In-A-Cup Monthly, Crazy Religious Fanatic Weekly. Worse yet, now he is bringing his sperm donated brat with that hot ass milf Katie Holmes into the whole discussion.
Listen people. I’ve said it once, and I’ll probably end up saying it again and again, because you are all as dense as a 1970’s Playboy Centerfold’s triangle carpet…
Nobody really cares about your fuckin’ kids. Really, none of us do. I don’t pretend for one second to think you care about my awesome, cream of the crop, super intelligent offspring, so don’t think I give one “squeaky top of the ass crack” fart that I care about yours.
(This includes all of you whack job mothers that feel the need to grace us with that Holiday letter about your seed each and every year. Here’s a hearty, “eat my ass” for those flaming piles of peanut-filled shit.)
Well, Jerry Maguire apparently hasn’t received word of my dislike for his immaculately conceived child. In addition to pimping his latest Hibachi Turd of a movie, he was quoted as saying to some People Magazine reporter, who clearly should have it in the cards to kill herself, that his daughter Suri is one hell of an intellectual being.
“Watch out Harvard! She’s not even three years old”, says the report, “but little Suri Cruise is a bona fide brainiac, boasts her proud papa, *closet gay actor Tom Cruise*.”
“Her vocabulary is incredible!” Maverick told PEOPLE outside the New York premier of Valkyrie. “Still his favorite words to hear are “I love you, dada” and “I love you mama”.
That shows her vocabulary skills? No specific examples of how incredible her vocabulary really is, Cole Trickle? C’mon. I want to hear Suri say, “I am really enthralled that my father decided to stretch his thespian wings by playing perhaps the most courageous individual ever to attempt bringing down Adolf Hitler’s Third Reich.” Then I might say that at 2.5 years old she has an incredible vocabulary.
Instead, she has the ability to say, “I love you dada” at that age. Sorry, Brian Flanagan, that only proves to me that she is not functionally retarded. Hell, my kid, when she was five, in her awesomeness, wrote a short story about a pig named Gunter Schnitzelgong, whose best friend was an Alligator named Alphonso Funktastic, so I guess that means she is going to win the fucking Pulitzer, then, right?
Until then, leave the predicting of the future of your daughter’s intelligence to his lord and savior L. Ron Hubbard and just continue making mediocre, “kinda gay” movies like you have been since 1986.
And Katie? I don’t live that far from Toledo, in case you want to visit your family. Then come over and get a deep-dicking courtesy of me. Lord knows you aren’t getting it from Eyes Wide Shut, wherever he/she is now.
Mazel…good things.
* Not actually added to the article in People Magazine
I have forgiven Tom since watching him (and begrudgingly loving him) in Tropic Thunder.
There has yet to be a genius celebrity child, and I have a feeling she wont be one either.
Well, I haven’t seen that movie yet, so I will have to take your word for it on that one.
And how can you not say that Jack and Kelly Osborne aren’t geniuses? I mean, they had to learn a new language to understand their father…
While I agree with Tits that he was not too bad in Tropic Thunder, he still gets on my freaking nerves as do most celebs these days.
He gets on my nerves more than most celebs do. I think it was the way he was a total bitch to Brooke Shields over whatever it was. Nobody treats my childhood masturbatory fantasy that way and gets away with it.
tom was pretty good in tropic thunder. as for saying suri is a genius…i’ll believe that when my shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbet.
For the love of crap. What IS that “smells like sherbet” line from? Help me…I know it.
super troopers
Stan probably hasn’t seen it. He’s too absorbed into his porn collection to notice anything from the Broken Lizard Gang.
My insider gay info on Tom Cruise and his sexual exploits only adds to my hatred of the smug look on his scientology ridden space face. And firefox is telling me ’scientology’ is spelled wrong in this little comment box because it shouldn’t exist.
And we all know that Firefox is the answer to everything out there.
I think Tom Cruise is a fake person..he’s not like that in real life…he tries to look so protective with his kids , he wants to be a model for other persons. But i think this is just a mask his wearing. All of it it’s fake.
Anyway…I don’t care about your kids either Mr. Second Hand Actor.
In tropic thunder he had a small role, there was not much to screw up there, thats why he was good, and also take into account that he didnt need to smile
I have a prediction. Little Suri is the next Paris Hilton. She will be famous and all for being the nut stain or her rich dad.
I cannot belive, growing up everyone AND their mom’s and their gay uncles thought/think he is SOOOO hot…
I don’t see it.
This is my fave blog of yours ever. Thankyou for your comment about children. I like other people’s children, really I do. I politely ask about their children, partner/husband, and I am interested. What I can’t stand is because I am single and don’t have any, it seems I am excluded just because I don’t have one. Polite conversation in a friend’s home with her husband and baby is just that, I happy that you enjoy being asked and talk about it. It doesn’t mean I am interested in your husband, because it the only conversation that exists. Even at a Christening, as the only single person and Godmother of my nephew, it is so uncomfortable and I am a relative! I promise, when coupled up and if I ever have any children to have booze available for anyone who desperately needs it. No baby showers, Kitchen teas or Bridesmaids. As fate has it I am no longer able to drive = trapped. You think the festive letters are bad, try family blogs, every time a child blinks. It is blogs like this that warm my heart http://whywomenhatemen.blogspot.com/. I have no problem being single and childless, but constantly being made to feel shitty about it is amazing. Just some polite chit chat back once in a while would be really nice, when if you don’t really mean it. I love children, it’s other parents I am afraid of. FB status announcing a 7 year anniversary (of a twice married and at some cheating that I know about) I congratulate. Other couples also indicate they had theirs, but pointedly 6 months earlier. Is their no end to this competitiveness? Forgive the long winded rant, but thankyou. I have no doubt your kid is a darling, your attitude is so refereshing. Thankyou~!