The 5 Things I Learned By Being Mr. Mom
“I’ve got something to say, I raped your mother today…”
That Misfits lyric has absolutely nothing to do with my topic today, other than I have something to say. Yay.
First things first. I have to give you stay at home mothers, or even ones that have primary/sole custody and work outside the home (disclaimer) on a daily basis, some major props. I don’t know how you do it. No wonder most of you are addicted to caffeine and Ephedra and, for all practical purposes, can be classified as “fucking nuts”.
And I say that because this morning I was, for all intents and purposes, this guy:
Which leads me to really feel like this guy:
Why? The following reasons should spell it out.
1. Five year olds need constant attention and entertainment. Yes, there is something biologically significant that occurs inside the brains of these five year olds that makes them go ape-shit from the moment they rise (at the crack of dawn) until they pass out from exhaustion at the end of the day.
My little five year old, the sweetheart that she is, got up, climbed into bed with me, made me turn on the TV, wanted breakfast, wanted to play charades, then crazy eights, then put together a Hannah Montana puzzle (complete with 20 year old swinging dick boyfriend) then back to crazy eights…all before 8:00 am.
Is there a five year olds cocaine cartel that I am unaware of?
2. Kids TV shows are the most mind numbing things on Earth. I got my annual dose of The Doodlebops, the Backyardigans and Handy Manny in an hour and a half. By the time we changed the channel, here’s what I learned:
a). The Backyardigans are all minorities.
With names like Tyrone, Tasha, Uniqua and the token hispanic Pablo, is there any question? Plus, as they were telling the story of the day, it came across like the telling of the story “Candyman” and the only other thing missing was the Cabrini Green projects in the animation. Well, that and a variated version of Disco Inferno kind of gave it away. “Share baby share…Sharing is so fun…”
b). Handy Manny is the Disney version of Bob the Builder. Only Manny is 10 times wealthier and more profitable than Bob the Knob ever was. Fucking Disney. They’re so wily! I swear, anything they touch turns to gold. I’m convinced that if they could get a hold of Ashley Simpsons kid, Brick or Queens or whatever the fuck they named that brat, the kid would be a star already. (Since Ashley and Sperm Donor are on their way to middle class…)
c). The Doodlebops make me want to smash the neighbors windows and eyeball fuck the mail lady.
3. The Theory of Relativity was written by observing a child get ready for school. Its an exact science. The quicker you need something done by a child or a child dressed, the slower they go, and the clock spins like a windmill. The same goes for driving in traffic, but stay with me here.
4. Bus drivers are a special kind of crazy. Teachers go to school and spend an inordinate amount of time dealing with the fact that their career will be handling children. The last I checked, bus drivers don’t have masters degrees from any university, so they have to deal with them for half the pay and more of the aggravation. I almost want to give them a flask full of whiskey to start their morning, and I would, if my kids weren’t getting on her bus. If it was your kids, well, that a no brainer, “yes” on the whole flask idea.
5. And finally, Dad (me) does not know how to do girls hair. And I shouldn’t have to. I have no hair for the most part. When I did, it was , “wash, towel dry, comb” and voila! a dick with ears. My son has short hair. Get it wet, comb it, voila…he has a nice round melon, though, lucky him.
My girls? They each have long, straight, shoulder length hair. And I mean straight as in Grizzly’s dick straight. They also have “they sleep on it and they get these gnarly snags in it” hair, like they sleep with Aunt Jemima syrup or something.
Now, my eight year old is a princess, so for a while now she has had the ability to brush her own hair, style it, make it look pretty damn good, all prancy in front of a mirror.
My five year old? Uh, no.What does that mean for me? Well, I got to brush it out, one snarl at a time, which for her is about as fun as stubbing a toe on a bed frame, I presume. Then I get to put it in a pony tail, or whatever she desires. (I cannot do French braids or anything (yet) because I am positive that of I tried, her straight hair would come out with her looking like Little Orphan Annie.)
Yeah, apparently a career in hair care is not happening for me.
Now, I have more stuff I could say about this, but I am too fucking tired and I need a moment. That and Days of Our Lives is on…so piss off, hosers.
So tell me, can any of you men do this? Ladies, can any of your men do this, or does it come out the same way, disastrously?
A dick with ears…that is hilarious!
Kiss My Face Kids Knot detangler spray. Nanny has spoken.
I’ll not remember that detangler spray the next time I have to do their hair. I won’t remember it because it is the last thing on my mind when I go shopping. Beer is #1 on that list, btw.
There is also some Johnson and johnsonhampoo with detangler crap in it that works well.
I feel your pain – what kinda sick joke is it to have to do something with a girls hair? Is there some secret club that gives training we men are clueless about?
My guy runs out of patience after about 30 minutes. He can do a ponytail and braid, which is usually pretty interesting but I don’t knock him for his efforts. The shows he doesn’t mind too much (Dora and Backyardigans on repeat) but the constant, “daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy…”, and the endless chattering like crazed monkies tends to get to him after that half hour point. We have three girls so he’s damn near lost his mind by now. His consolation? In about six weeks he finally gets his boy. I keep trying to explain that this won’t make things easier but he’s too excited to hear me.
My patience gets tried quickly as well. I have a helluva lot more patience now than I did a few years ago, that’s for sure.
When I was little, I actually found out that my dad could do ponytails better than my mom. Which was strange, since he never had any form of long hair.
That is weird. Is he an effeminate male?
I can’t live without caffeine, and who ya’ll calling fucking nuts?
Most stay at home/single mothers have a special kind of nutso in them. A broad generalization of course, but, mostly made from eyewitness accounts…by me.
My honey tried it for about 2 weeks, and that was when they were younger. Now at 10 and 18, I think he’s scared of them, not so much the 18 year old but the two 10 year olds…strike fear in the heart of the grown man. I applaud any effort at hair and am happy to get matching clothing.
Matching clothing is still a challenge for me too. And when my girls hit teenage years, I will be scared…very scared.
Welcome to parenthood. I am right there with you… and you are right.. being a stay @ home mother will turn you into a bat shit insane nutcase. Now where’s my Xanex?
Make sure you don’t forget your high dosage of Lexipro too.
you can hide your lakc of hair skills with a baseball cap, and the pony tail goes through the hole in the back. I have my duaghter convinced it is cool. Hope she never figures out I have been senidng her to school looking like she is just off a drunken one night stand.
Wow. The go to school/walk of shame look. You patented it, I take it.
Just a question for ya, for those dance routines in Backyardigans? When do they have time to practice all those complicated moves?
I hear it is choreographed by Paula Abdul, since she is in fantasyland half the time anyway.
nope, as a proud male I certainly can’t do better than this – so this is why I dedicate my life to find ways to get back into the womb
Or at least trying to get in there with a certain part of my anatomy with random women.
Well, my husband became a single Dad to a little girl quiet suddenly, so he had to learn quick, however, there was this time when I went to my neighbors to have coffee one morning (translation- hide from the morning rituals of getting the kids ready) my husband dressed said daughter who proudly came downstairs- in a striped shirt and plaid skirt. I asked if she thought it matched and she said “Daddy said it does cause it is all purple”. I asked if she felt it looked alright and she got all pissy and said “yes it is all purple!”. I blame him for how she dresses to this day (she still thinks if they shirt and skirt or pants are generally the same color, it matches and you can’t tell her otherwise).
Well, in my head it IS all purple, so what the fuck is the problem? Hehehe… JK
Simply another obvious example of why people shouldn’t breed.
There’s too damn many people, after all and if taking care of kids is such an aggravation, I think most of us would be best off if we didn’t bother.
Sar-casm: (noun) A keen, reproachful expression; a satirical remark uttered with some degree of scorn or contempt; a taunt; a gibe; a cutting jest.
Put another way…relax. Hell, even I recognize Matt’s feeble attempt at sarcasm.
Actually when I was little I prefered it if my dad did my hair. He did braids and ponytails and he was a lot nicer with the knots. Yeah. I’m sure your little girls secretly enjoy the bonding time.
That was a sweet post Matt E. You’re thinly veiling your soft spot
From a whole hell of a lot of childcare jobs, I absolutely HATE modern day children’s programmign though. Whatever happened to good old Captain Planet and Tom and Jerry?
I am one of those crazy stay at home moms with a 4 yr old son. To be fair, I was already crazy. I decided a year before we tried to have him that Conservative/Libertarian political art is my calling. As hard as it is to be mom, and it’s the hardest thing I ever did, it’s nothing compared to dealing with the Atlanta art community.
I love my son and we have tons of fun, but it can be exhausting. Luckily, he usually keeps it together until 4pm when he spends the next 2 hours asking for dad and bullying me to play super heroes, etc. Luckily, I always have crazy hair color going on, so I don’t have to dress up.(currently turquoise and purple stripes)
If he wasn’t in school from 9-3, I might go postal. I definitely don’t advise anyone to have kids they don’t want. If you do want them, they are worth it.
just wait till she hits puberty and you have to have the tampon discussion …. shit, i don’t even know where to begin ….
<—-crazy single mother.
Something I could relate to on pointless banter? What will you guys do next, hire a woman?
Excellent post, Matt. My five year old has this knack for turning the should be 60 second task of putting on shoes into a 15 minute ordeal. I think I have lost years off of my life over this. Sigh.