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Damn you charity, damn you

By: Bobby Finstock on 12/11/08 @ 10:47 am

I have been writing blogs in one form or another for over four years now. (I know get a life right?) Every year when Christmas comes around I bitch about the same thing… charity. Personally I am a charitable guy, I give money to the things I want to support and on occasion am more than willing to donate my time to help out. What I don’t like is being constantly solicited wherever I go during the holiday season; it makes me very uncomfortable and even a little bitter towards charity. (Screw Operation Smile by the way, facial deformities build character.)

Honestly though I sometimes feel bad because it is like I am saying their charity isn’t worth it by walking away or even worse maybe I am coming off as cheap or cold hearted. (My personal image is more important than your charity.) However I’ve been able to get over it though and function in society because the people soliciting are usually somewhat socially inept or not very good at pulling on my heartstrings.

A charity for free bush? Where do I sign up?

A charity for free bush? Where do I sign up?

This year though charities have gotten smarter. Yesterday I went grocery shopping and on my way into the store noticed a charity table ran by two really hot girls. And these women were pure sharks, it was amazing to watch them work. Men by themselves stood no chance against these two ladies as they just cut them down with a smile and a touch to the arm. I have to say the touching of the arm was a brilliant move because the guys stop for the smile and the girl but they donate because of the touch. The touch builds a level of comfort and the false hope that the lady might actually like them.

The touch though wasn’t the most genius move that they used. When couples came through the always approached the woman first. If the woman rejected them they immediately said something to the man like, “Wouldn’t this donation be a great gift for the lady in your life?” This starts the gears grinding in the guys head and he formulates this logic:

Hot girl thinks donation is a good gift… I must make donation to impress hot girl… then go home and kill my wife because she doesn’t like donation… come back and chat up hot girl who will remember me for this large donation that I am about to give.

When the wife/girlfriend starts bitching at him for giving the donation it solidifies the logic in his mind. The men just move forward with the donation while the girlfriend/wife storms out of the store. It is absolutely amazing to watch the sense of satisfaction that appears on the charity reps face when this happens.

This might be the single greatest move that a charity has made ever. Drunken bums in Santa Suits ringing a bell can’t compare to girls wearing a t-shirt and black ass pants. Looks like nobody I know is getting a gift I donated all my shopping money for Christmas to charity.

What do you think about the non-stop soliciting by charities during Christmas time?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

25 Responses to “Damn you charity, damn you”

  1. Charlotte says:

    I’ll tell you my thoughts about giving… for a small donation.

  2. Em Em says:

    The stores around here still have fat guys endlessly ringing bells. You would think they would drive themselves crazy after a while, I have no idea how they can manage that for longer than like 45 seconds.

  3. Stan Indursky says:

    The only thing I want to donate to hot chicks soliciting charitable donations is what I usually attempt to donate to hot chicks…


  4. Meghan says:

    I volunteer all year and I still feel guilty about walking away.

    It wasn’t the Holidays, like 2 months ago, but the worst move in public solicitation I ever saw was a 6ft+ tall man with a clipboard and an incredibly deep voice who stopped in Harvard Sq asking:

    “Do you have a minute to talk to me about Acquaintance Rape?”

    Ummm, no!

    • Did you at least get his phone number?

    • Karl Rove says:

      What about the guys that stop to ask you to donate money to stop racism, then call you a racist if you don’t give them $25? They’re the worst. I don’t donate $25 to a guy on the street who just happens to be holding a clipboard. Show me some evidence that you’re working for a real organization.

  5. Vince says:

    Non stop during Christmas time? Charities and organizations are out in full force year round here in DC. If its not a homless person asking for your change there is the DNC, RNC, PETA, Greenpeace and about 10 other groups walking around the city asking people for money or trying to get them to sign up for shit. Its ridiculous.

  6. moooooog35 says:

    Wow…looks like it could give my charity, “Toys for Twats,” a run for it’s money.

  7. AJH says:

    I personally would rather give my money to the homeless guy on the corner at least you know exactly who, how, and what the money is going for.

    • mistaken says:

      Hoe Hoe Hoe

      The gal on the corner rang her bell in hopes to earn a dolla bill
      Day and night she did ring and oh what a scream she received once she came.
      Some has to do it.

  8. Jessica says:

    I drop whatever loose change I have when I leave Wal-Mart into the bucket with the dude ringing a bell next to it, and then tell everyone else I’ve already donated that year, so they can shut up and leave me alone.

    Then I go to Salvation Army and demand free stuff because they’ve accumulated at least ten dollars in my change for the last holiday season and I want a gift card for that amount, thank you very much.


  9. Arjewtino says:

    Is there no level charities won’t stoop to?


  10. PsYcHo BiTcH says:


  11. Jordan says:

    Long time listener, first time caller.

    I used to work in a grocery store as a cashier and the store was always raising money for some charity. So we were *required* to ask people if they wanted to donate money to So and So’s charity. It was logged and annual evaluations were graded on your performance. It was really embarrassing.

    So embarrassing that I stopped participating, straight up refused, and when my boss asked about it at my evaluation, I said that I was a cashier and I wasn’t hired to raise money for the company to earn as a tax write off.

    She said she appreciated my convictions but marked me down, year after year.

    That and people were always running donation tables in front of the store, ask for money donations for every thing you could possibly think of.

    God I hate what Christmas has become.

  12. Selena says:

    In all seriousness… I get where you are coming from but I’m supportive of charity and giving at Christmastime. I am a social worker and I know the importance these organizations that get most of their funding through solicitations at Christmastime (and most of the credit for what they do year round being actually acknowledged). Support your bell ringers who are probably living in a rescue mission! Give a dollar, 5 dollars, your spare change, etc. it’s going to a good cause! They don’t take any state or federal funding so that they can hold church at the mission therefore they pay all their own utility bills, etc. The local rescue mission here pays about $3000 per month on the utility bill alone.
    OK I’m off my soap box. People can now debate everything I just said and call me names behind my back. :0)

    • I totally understand it but there is a point where it becomes intrusive. I shouldn’t be asked to donate at the checkout, then at the door, then inbetween stores, then in another store…. It gets to the point where it is too much.

      I donate money and I will usually donate change to these place but after getting asked 10 times in a trip to the mall it is a bit much.

  13. Marcie says:

    I think it can get a little ridiculous, I work at Wal-Mart…the dreaded place I do not even shop at, but since i have to go there 5 times a week, I see people at the doors, the drunken Santa’s with the bell, and it’s EVERYDAY. sometimes i throw in pocket change, but I do not even carry cash most of the time.

    the hot girl thing is a good idea though, I bet if they had nipple rings with bells attached charities would get tons of donations.

  14. matt says:

    i hate chrity unless it is really for a good cause, http://www.savematt.webs.com

  15. socko says:

    Sorry I got to this one late. I fn hate hate hate charities and all these socialite women who are trying to save the world. Half the time they really don’t know the nuts and bolts of what they’re trying to raise money for. And when does taking everyone’s money and giving it to ‘a worthy cause’ make that person a saint? Wouln’t bank robbers giving to strippers be included in that definition? And if all these people need THAT much money every year and it still isn’t enough, shouldn’t we be smart enough to recognize we’re trying to sweep the desert with a broom and try another method? Also, isn’t giving my money to some ’cause’ indicative that I have no solution or ideas and that my input is nothing but a blank greenback? If I can’t solve the problem why do I think someone else can with only part of the money I hand out (since a portion must go to the process- salaries, overhead, etc.)?

    This is a round world, resources are finite. I’d love to see everyone have a share of the blanket to stay warm but the blanket never was big enough in the first place. I think I’ll keep my patch of it where it is- no hard feelings.

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