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Who would win in a knife fight?

By: Bobby Finstock on 12/9/08 @ 9:19 am

Some questions in life aren’t important. Things like “should we bail out the auto industry”? The often asked “is there a God”? Or even “when a girl says no does she really mean no”?

Then there are questions in life that require you to spend half an hour thinking about it, two hours trying to create a simulation in a video game, and another ten minutes writing a half baked blog like “who would in a knife fight: my elderly wheel chair bound landlord or my five-year-old nephew”?

Let’s break this down.

My elderly wheel chair bound landlord

Advantages: A heavy electric powered machine of death that he is strapped to. Also he speaks with a heavy Italian accent combined with what I think is a slur from a stroke making him incomprehensible to understand. These two combined would scare the shit out of most five year olds.

He has years of experience and has a certain toughness bred from being bitched at by his wife at least 4 hours of day. (Which I hear on a daily basis but can’t make out half of what is being said because it floats from English to Italian.)

Disadvantages: He is pretty much crippled and moves awfully slow. If the fight is prolonged the drool from his lower lip could short out the wheelchair leaving him in a prone position. I think he would have trouble holding onto the knife unless we tape it to him then this would fall under the advantage category.

My five-year-old nephew

Advantages: He his quick, smart for his age, and hard to get a hold of. His constant watching of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the Star Wars movies have taught him how to wield weapons. I believe his child like innocence could be taken from him once the old man made a run at him with the chair and he could turn into an ultra violent killing machine like one of those kids from “Lord of the Flies”.

Disadvantages: He is still like awkwardly uncoordinated like most kids. Is terrified of the dark so if there is a power outage or the lights go out he is done. Also he has never actually used a sharp knife so he may be easily distracted at his new found responsibility.

Personally I am at a loss… Who do you think would win?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

35 Responses to “Who would win in a knife fight?”

  1. Thomas says:

    I can’t comment on this particular pairing. I did spend years contemplating who would win in a full on bare-knuckled smackdown:
    Stephen Hawking or Christopher Reeve?

    Sadly, Mr. Reeve’s defeat by Doomsday has made empirical verification impossible.

  2. marjorie says:

    It could be either or, depends if the old man can use the clapper quick enough to turn off the lights quick enough. Or if the kid just out runs him until the wheelchair dies. Either way its bound to get awesome.

  3. Meghan says:

    I have a 6 yr old nephew and I prefer to think of him as a Ninja…especially during the Holidays…I don’t know what he’s capable of!

    I do know he’s got the power to make me drive all the way to Michigan at the last minute…and he loves great white sharks.

  4. Jane Says says:

    The 5 year old, hands down. Wheelchair guy wouldn’t stand a chance.

  5. clientsideshow bob says:

    It all depends. Is the wheelchair motorized? Cause then he’s got a huge advantage as the 5 yo looks at the something shiny.

    Otherwise, I’d go with the kid. He’ll stab once, think it’s a game, do it 10 more times, get sick of it, throw the knife away and play his Nintendo Wii.

  6. Matt E. Warren says:

    The old man has medals. Ergo, experience. Game over. Your nephew will end up pissing his pants. The old man might piss his pants too, but, he has a diaper on.

  7. Vince says:

    This is up there in the same realm of who would win in a fight a gorilla or a Bear.

    I’m going to go with the 5 year old because they have endless energy and will be awake for a quick killing at 5 pm while the old man is sleeping.

  8. moooooog35 says:

    I’m taking crippled guy.

    Stab him in the legs? No biggie. Guy can’t feel this shit. He’s almost invincible from the waist down.

  9. PsYcHo BiTcH says:


  10. Brandi Shae says:

    The kid. No question. I have a little brother, well he’s not little anymore but I know what kind of damage y’all boys can do. Especially under the age of 7. Ornery fuckers.

  11. Tits McGee says:

    How about who would win between Date Bitch No. 4 and cute redhead nephew? :D

  12. kate says:

    i got 5 on your nephew.

  13. Arjewtino says:

    Your landlord. He looks like a man who once knew what it was like to choke another man to death.

  14. Kristina says:

    The kid’s downfall may be his ADD – if he does, in fact, have it.

    So I’m going with the old man.

  15. Isha says:

    I’d put money on your nephew. I have a six year old and I’ve seen him take down my 205lb mom just tackling her. ::sigh:: he watches way too much wrestling. And believe me, my kid is extremely uncoordinated. So if your nephew has a tad bit more coordination than my kid, he can do damage, kinda like Mortal Kombat.

  16. bishop says:

    I would say that your nephew would win hands down. He may lack real world fighting experience but would make up with the wild energy all 5 year olds have.

  17. Stephanie says:

    The 5-year-old nephew…definitely. All he has to do is knock the landlord guy out of his wheelchair and he has an easy win. I’m so cruel and brutal…

  18. Melissa says:

    Dude, he’s a ginger kid, don’t you watch South Park?

    Seriously, after watching my son at the age of five break the nose of a twelve year-old wuss in Power Ranger gear while screaming “MORTAL KOMBAT!!!” – I never underestimate small and scary. Especially after he stood over the sobbing kid saying, “flawless victory” leaving me to stare down the pissed off daddy in the Marine Corps shirt. McDonald Playland’s are brutal places, my man.

  19. gravity_smh says:

    Is that the same nephew that you ran over with your bike (or something) last year? Or was it the other way around? Whichever…

    I’d still take the old man; he DOES look like a man who knows what it means to choke another man.

  20. James says:

    All the old guy has to do is kidnap the stuffed Clifford Dog. Thats your nephews kryptonite.

    Old Guy wins.

  21. Jeff says:

    I’m going with the kid. Give him a couple of Pixie Stix and he’ll be all hopped up, going apeshit on Gramps.

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