Hey Emo Teens, Here are 5 Things You Can Embed Under Your Skin!
Sometimes I long for the good old days. Remember when it was enough for an angst-ridden teenage girl to cut herself or burn herself in a pathetic grasp for attention? Well, apparently that’s just not good enough for this generation, because now they’ve started doing something to themselves called embedding, which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like:
“Some troubled teens are embedding nails, paper clips, bits of rock, glass and even crayons in their bodies as a way to cope with disturbing thoughts and feelings, U.S. researchers said Wednesday.” – Foxnews.com
Above – Singlehandedly keeping her local Hot Topic in business
Jesus Christ the spoiled youth of America will do just about anything to get attention. And as if it’s not bad enough that they’re mutilating themselves, they can’t even seem to get creative while doing it! I mean nails? Paper clips? Crayons??? Sigh. Well I can see that I’m going to have to throw this younger generation a life preserver and give them some better suggestions of things to embed under the flesh. I mean if you’re going to do it, you might as well do it right.
1. Pez Dispenser
Just think, embed one of these little suckers in the flesh of your arm or something and leave the dispenser part of it sticking out. Mmmmm, tasty candy at your fingertips, day and night!
2. Your Lunch Money
How are those jock bullies going to get to your lunch money when it’s embedded deep inside your pimply ass cheek?
3. A Spiderman web slinger toy
C’mon, don’t be a pussy, you know you could cram that under the skin of your wrist.
4. Your Asthma Inhaler
I mean hey, your chronic asthma doesn’t exactly scream emo or goth, now does it? Well, simply hide it away under your pasty flesh for quick retrieval when you inevitably have a severe asthma attack in the mosh pit of the Fall Out Boy concert.
5. A Reporter
Hey, it worked for the Iraq war didn’t it? Embed a reporter in your skin and he can report on all the important goings on in your life. You know, like that zit you popped, or how the star quarterback you have a crush on made fun of your skinny jeans. You are obviously DYING to be the center of attention. Here’s your chance!
Alright, Uncle Donk has given you the tools you wacky teens, now it’s up to you to use em! Start embedding!!!!!
Well, the Pez dispenser idea is pure genius. But only if it is in the shape of Donald Duck, because, we all know nothing spells out Emo better than a cartoon duck with a shirt and no pants on.
What the fuck? Seriously? A CRAYON? Maybe that’s where all my crayolas have disappeared to…
I wonder if you could embed something and have a zipper. Kind of like a skin pocket. I’m tired of losing my keys and wallet.
…or maybe just a bottle opener.
that would be awesome. it would do that
ooh! how about one of those push to play music thingies that can play vanilla ice’s ice ice baby?
God that’s fucking disgusting. I hate kids these days (aaaand I’m officially old thank you very much).
I’m gonna embed my foot in their asses.
Really, I’m more surprised by the fact that making fun of Emo kids is still supposed to be funny. Talk about beating a dead horse. At least they’re coming up with new ways to hurt themselves. How about you start coming up with new ways to be hilarious?
Because they have come up with a new way to hurt themselves it brings up a whole new topic of discussion.
A really gross one. For someone with piercings and tattoos, I’m still pretty squeamish.
And to Dmitri – they will be mocked until they stop acting stupid. It’s really for their own good – *I* learned that wearing black lipliner is not hot, *they* need to learn that pseudo-cutting (scratching mostly) and having bangs does not make them cool.
New topic of discussion? All I see is the same, “Haha, Hot Topic, Fall Out Boy, You’ve-Been-Bullied-So-Go-Cut-Yourself” cheap shots that have been said by just about everyone everywhere when they see some kid walk by with long hair or a facial piercing. It’s the kind of thing that’s been rehashed so many times your own grandparents would be the one to nudge you on the shoulder and be like, “Haha, look at that loser! Why doesn’t he go back to Hot Topic/Listen to Fall Out Boy/Cut-Himself-Because-He’s-Been-Bullied?” In other words, it’s got all the freshness of a fart joke. It’s “I just flew in from Chicago, and boy are my arms tired!” It’s calling up your friend in the middle of the night with the startling revelation that “My, oh my, teens sure can be pimply some times.” It’s completely obvious, and those who are still laughing at the “Go cut yourself, you Fall Out Boy!” nonsense are probably the same people that go “Oooooooooooo!” and shift uncomfortably in their seat when two people kiss on screen. That is to say, you have just as much growing up to do.
Dimitri, now who told you Bobby is hilarious? Hrm?
I didn’t write this one.
yes, I must take credit for all of these horrible, rehashed jokes. I mean, if I had a dime for every time I heard a joke about someone embedding a reporter under their skin…
Where do you get these angry people from? Digg?
This takes me way back to Love Line with Dr. Drew and some woman calling in saying that a doctor found a paperclip in her urethra, and she had no idea how it got there…fucking god awful.
Can’t these kids just flip on the radio and wallow in their underdeveloped taste and subculture to feel depressed? They have to jam a fucking thumbtack between their toes…give me a break.
Keep drawing those dark circles around your eyes…I’m going for ice cream.
How do you have a paperclip in your urethra and NOT know how it got there?! Jesus. I’m really hoping that a big piece of metal would attract some attention going in.
Sigh, Ben & Jerry’s it is.
Dr. Drew wasn’t buying either…he basically told her she had mutilated herself.
CHIP-ing at My Dark Chocolate Soul, by Ben & Jerry’s.
I vehemently disagree. I once had half of a Dorito lodged in my urethra and didn’t notice it was there for over 2 weeks.
Wow, everyday, teens of the world get more stupid.
I guess embedding a nail into your neck is better than embedding a bullet into your classmates neck.
lol
If you can figure out how I can get myself embedded under the skin of a hot 18 year old, I’d appreciate it.
Um, OK Buffalo Bill…I’ll let you know
What about a little mp3 player so they could have a walking theme tune of My Chemical Romance or Fall Out Boy.
Like that time Peter Griffin had his own theme music… that was cool…
Wait, scratch that idea. Homicide levels would increase at a rather alarming rate.
I started discussing this with my teen-ager and she suggested a switchblade. Available at all times for self defense. As a parent, I vote for tracking devices. Micro-chip them at birth and get it over with! At least my kids only want the “normal” stuff; tattoos, nose piercings, and “cool” clothes. LOL!
oooo, or how about a set of Wolverine-esque retractable claws?
How about things that light up? Like mini strings of X-mas lights with a small battery pack for your pocket? They’d be cool for rave parties too!
The TV remote would be the most convenient thing to embed. At least you would never lose it, and it would be quick and easy to turn on the TV. No hassle…well, except for changing the batteries.
I got a ham sandwich stuck in me once.
http://thingsfatpeoplehate.wordpress.com/2008/12/04/christmas-gifts-for-the-big-man/
speaking of emo kids:
http://beefandsage.com/2008/12/new-videohate/
“A Reporter” classic!
Why not create a reusable pouch? You could put your weed in there.
oh my fing god will u all get over you fing selfs.emo doesnt mean u cut…cutters cut…they just surround themselves in what we love…LEAVE US THE HELL ALONE
what the fuck r u guys talking about
you’ve actually bothered to quote something from fox news?!
[...] They are like the idiot who tells you the end of the movie, or the sooky emo teen threatening to do something weird. [...]
Then don’t fucking read it.
I didn’t write it but it was two typical jokes. You see the right button in the corner with the x… you can click on it.
A) Quit replying to my comments to talk shit to the guy who didn’t even write the article (which I found entertaining, thankyouverymuchIloveyouDonk).
There is no B.
May I suggest embedding to get your anger out?
I’m sorry, did I offend you? I’m sure you can cry about it over the new Fall Out Boy album. I hear they have it at Hot Topic.
Well that isn’t a funny joke it has been done way too many times.
i have no clue. but why on earth they would take the time to comment on something that they didn’t enjoy is beyond me.
I heard my first “hey, I’ve got a reporter embedded just beneath the surface of my epidermis” joke when I was in second grade. I’m now 32.
Get some new material, ya fuckin’ hack.