I Like Spinners So Much I’m Gonna Be One
A week ago, after Thanksgiving, I stepped on the Fat O’ Meter and weighed in at 1/10th of a ton. (side note: if you don’t know what a Fat O’ Meter is or how much 1/10th of a ton weighs, stop reading this and enroll in your nearest Junior High, because you are as fuggin’ stupid as this kid.)
Needless to say I was a little distraught about the whole thing, having felt the personal disgrace of pushing the scale that high. I was upset about the possibility of not being able to see my penis without bending over as far as I could, therefore being so emasculated that I’d resort to sitting to pee.
I needed to do something about it. Even if the Holidays are fast approaching and the massive amounts of food will no doubtedly be shoved into my gullet, I agreed with my inner athlete to not allow any of the above to happen.
So, the kid here decided to step it up a bit. I’ve decided to do something about my looming front porch and exercise a tad.
Now, let it be said that over the past few years (decade), Exercise and I have had an very tumultuous, topsy-turvy relationship. I feel that Exercise is a bitch. Exercise thinks I am a pussy. I think Exercise is a naggy whore. Exercise punishes me by depriving me of oxygen when I move farther than one tenth of a mile on my own…or showering.
I’ve in fact gone so far as to live by the following mantra: I don’t run unless I am being chased; I don’t lift weights because they are heavy.
Easy sleazy in my book.
Not so anymore.
I’m going to get off my beer gut and take a spinning class.
Laugh all you want fuckers.
Now, I am aware of the fact that my instructor might bear a striking resemblance to Ben Stiller’s character in Dodgeball, complete with blow up crotch bubble.
I am aware of the fact that I will obtain migraines and potentially an aneurysm from the thump-thump of Techno for an hour.
And who gives a wet turd if I am 150% more likely to see dudes I’d label “rainbows” than legitimate pieces of ass?
I’m getting my shit together people. Bottom line.
Now, its a spin class because you need to understand that running ain’t gonna happen (read: my life mantra). Clown all you want, but, like a good referee, I’ll call it like I see it. My knees won’t be able to handle a treadmill and if you ever see me on an elliptical, feel free to make me wear pastel colored lycra and a Olivia Newton John headband.
As for weight lifting, as much as I’d like to go, get buff and be able to go shirtless for all of you horny ladies out there, that shit just won’t happen either (read: mantra).
My intentions are pure.
I’m aiming to be one sexy motha-”shut yo mouth”…
Anyone ever take one of these classes? Where can I get coral colored lycra shorts?
It’s official. You’re gay. I had a sneaking suspicion about that, all the way back to college when you seemingly preferred to shower with other men (allegedly). That, and you’d jerk off when you did.
That’s funny.
All gayness aside, at least I showered. You smelled of stale beer, reefer and open ass that could knock a buzzard off of a shit wagon from 100 yards. The ONLY thing you could do was jerk off, and even that was while crying and using your tears as lubrication to pictures of David Hasselhoff and your Toto CD that you played ad nauseum.
Better to listen to Toto than The Cranberries “Linger” on repeat…
homo.
Are you saying that my Steve is gay? He loves that eliptical. I can’t get him off of it. He’s even thinking of buying one for his house. Hey it seems to work and I think he has the right idea because he’s one of the only guys in the middle of a whole slew of women. He knows what he’s doing. *wait a minute, now i know what he’s doing. I’m gonna go hit him. Brb!* anyway, you could always borrow my lycra shorts if you wanna. I’d pay to see you in em.
My left ball wouldn’t fit into your shorts. What are they? a size -4?
You’ll probably be the only male which shouldn’t bother you much, unless you’re taking classes at the Y. In that case, don’t bend over.
And you might want to baby powder your balls before attending. I hear you get drenched in sweat in those classes. I attended one with Kelly years ago and barely broke a sweat BECAUSE I lifted…………more than a chili dog. Fag.
Well, if I baby powder them then at the end of the class I’ll end up with the shit they make paper mache out of won’t I? Would Gold Bond work better?
Ahhh, so paper mache goo was made out of ball sweat… it all makes sense now. I used to lick that shit.
And you still really enjoy it, don’t you?
shhh
Hey y’all.
What the hell do they do in a spinning class? I’ve always been curious-not curious enough to google it or anything…
I’ll pitch in with Melissa to see you in those shorts!
Brandi, it’s a half hour class full of stationary bikes and an instructor yelling for you to increase resistance then decrease resistance, then stand while pedaling, then sit while pedaling. You never stop pedaling.
I’ll be waiting for the downhill part…
Just the name “spinning” makes it sound so much more fun than it probably is.
I imagined a room full of California boob job blondes (not that there’s anything wrong with them) and sweaty-balled beer bellied dudes (not that there’s anything wrong with you, Matt) dressed like whirling dervishes.
I won’t do it unless I can wear a cape, though.
SPINNING IS AWESOME. I SPIN EVERY DAY, SOMETIMES TWICE A DAY BECAUSE IT’S SO ADDICTING AND I LOVE THE FEELING OF WALKING OUT OF A CLASS DRENCHED IN SWEAT.
I like sex and that does the same thing, doesn’t it?
ABSOLUTELY!
Well I think spinning is to extreme for me, plus there is a waiting list. I stick to walking and pilates
Weights are only heavy if you lift the heavy ones.
True story.
As I sit here munching on my deep fried Doritos, dipped in lard laden chip dip, I think you’re great! Go for it! And the funny part is, I don’t know what a spinner is, but I did the math for the 1/10th of a ton. You aren’t that bad…..unless you’re like 5′1″. Heh heh. Ok, back to my crap food. Oh, and I think I’ll drive down the block for a Surpee……..
P.S.
If I’d read the other comments first, I would’ve known what it was. Thank you Tits for explaining. =)
If you want to exercise and still be manly, I suggest martial arts. Back in ‘04 I dropped seventy pounds in six months by taking up mui thai style kickboxing. I was lean and I could kick the fuck out of just about anyone.
Barring that, hiking might be good also. Much more manly than a spin class.