My Kids are Cool. Your Kids Suck.
My name is Stan Indursky. If you know me, you’ll know that I am no bullshit artist. Well, as far as you can tell I’m not. I call ‘em like I see ‘em. I’ve been in the business world for over 15 years, working my way up the ranks and making some coin along the way. I don’t have time for farting around, time is money, so every now and again, I get cranky and need to spew some verbal turds.
Don’t like it? Tough crap. If you want touchy-feely garbage that makes you all warm and fuzzy, I suggest you go and call your mommy and have her send you that stupid ass woobie you used to have ’til Junior High until your flat as a board girlfriend in the sixth grade ratted you out and you listened to “Blame It On The Rain” by Milli Vanilli over and over again…you pussy.
Mazel, mazel…good things.
OK. These holiday seasons are killers. Yeah, yeah…I know the holidays are for the kids and what seems like retarded adults that act like fuckin’ kids. I know this because I have two kids. A boy, he’s 12 and a girl, she’s nine. Cool kids I have. Always have been cool. The problem I have is with everyone else’s kids. Your kids suck. Wanna know why?
My brothers kids are little assholes. Thanksgiving was a few days ago. I had my dipshit brother, his milfy wife and their two spoiled little brats over for turkey, stuffing, Jameson whiskey and all so I could see my sister in laws nice rack held up by a wonderbra that was all wonder and little bra. Mazel…good things.
I swear to the great big poof in the sky, if their four year old little twerp spills any more of her fucking Juicy Juice all over my new carpet and then not tell anyone about it, just run it over with her goddamn big wheel again, or hide it with broken crayons, I’ll piss on her in her sleep next time.
Seriously. What is it about four years olds and their inability to keep anything liquid or otherwise off the damn floor? Is gravity that hard for them to understand? My kids don’t have issues with it, but my brothers kids are the anti-Isaac Newton…what goes near them hits the fucking floor. And who gets to clean it up? Not them, lazy pricks. They just stand there and look at it like the little retards they are and whine about not being able to eat Cool Whip from the bowl with their tongues. Bastards.
Then there are my neighbors kids. Whoa. Two of them too. The youngest, he’s seven, and might be the biggest pansy this side of the Mississippi. Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick. If one of my kids even looks at him wrong, he shits tacks and starts crying. Starts whining that he doesn’t ever get to win.
Or that he never gets to play with the good toys. I just stare at him and stop just short of saying, “shut your fuckin’ trap you shitball. The Barbie Hip-Hop Jeep is over there, little faggot. Now stop before I poke holes in your arm floaties and throw you in the deep end of the pool.”
Don’t get me started on the kids at the mall, the movies, a restaurant…all spoiled little ballsacs, “I want Ice Cream…I want that toy…but mooooom!…I don’t love you anymore…WAAAAHH!” and you parents enable these little jism-dribbles to act like shitheads and when someone, like ME, looks your way with an ass-fist of a look, you protect little dingleberry and act like I am insensitive.
I have your insensitivity right here…swingin’.
Face it people. Unless those kids are mine, more than likely, they suck. They’re poorly behaved banshees. Some are cute, yeah, I’ll give you that, but most are ugly as fuck, so I don’t want to see pictures them at the playground, or eating cake, or taking a dump in their diaper on your Facebook page or anything either.
But my kids fucking rock. Believe it.
Mazel.
Hey Stan. Good to see you on here. It’s been a long time.
Your candor, while refreshing yet blunt, is a good thing. But I highly doubt that your kids are better than mine. In fact, I’ve known your kids for years and find them to be pretty obnoxious.
Your boy is 12 and already locks himself in the bathroom jerking off to JC Penney’s catalogs and trying to hump old toilet paper tubes for hours on end while people are visiting your house “allegedly”.
You daughter is nine and her taste in clothing can best be summed up as a cross between “a tad skeezy” and “straight up whore”. I expect to find her on the corner of McNichols and Woodward soon.
Other than that, yeah. Good kids. Mazel.
Your kids aren’t so hot either, clown. If I remember correctly, your boy picks his nose as a way to capture an entire meal, or rubbing boogers in his sisters hair because you’re too cheap to buy hair glitter.
Has your one daughter gone full blown hooker yet?
Don’t even get me started on that dog of yours…I mean “ex” dog of yours.
Well, the dog, despite the fact that it was a pain in the ass, could smell an asshole a mile away, which is probably why he was stuck to you like stink on shit.
And, if I recall, your ex-wife gave my daughter some of your daughters clothes when she outgrew them. I should’ve known to bleach them and place a blacklight on them to look for Junior High semen drop, but that semen might have been from the mop up job from your ex-es penchant for lowering herself onto anyone wearing a pair of overalls and a John Deere hat.
Mazel.
Two shots of Jameson whiskey laced with arsenic for bringing my ex into it, however true it is. And it was the “NASCAR Hat Du-jour” by the way. Get your facts straight, homo.
OMG, so right. My kids SUCK. I keep trying to ditch them at CVS in the toy isle, but the police keep bringing them home. And then I have to do that whole “Oh no! I’ve been so worried!” thing so I can keep my MILF membership current. It was way better back in the day, last month, when the kids didn’t know their last name.
Finally, someone who gets it. Next time leave them at the mall. Or hire a Hispanic Migrant worker to steal your white van and take off. Hold off on the Amber Alert. You should be golden.
This was markedly inappropriate yet entertaining.
My boy can stick his tongue in his nose. He’s the coolest, or will be amongst the ladies.
Top that!
What’s so inappropriate about telling the truth? Don’t you agree? You believe other people’s kids are awesome? I call bullshit. My argument stands.
Although, if your boy can stick his tongue in his nose, that is pretty damn cool. I like his getting laid prospects in a few years. Like you wanted to envision that, right?
I would gather the neighbors and family to explain your plans of a field trip. Tell them you’ll be visiting the zoo and your plans to be the sole chaperone. Unbeknownst to the other parents, the field trip will end in Nebraska where the children will be dropped in front of the state building with their lunch boxes.
Lunch boxes? Those slobs can have brown paper bags like I had.
And I like your idea, but Nebraska is a little too close. Wyoming works better.
Any child that I Nanny for is automatically better because of me. I get to infuse them with my good sense, morals, humor AND give them back at the end of the day and pray to the powers that be that their parents don’t ruin them and the work I’ve done until I return.
They should all be put in pretty plastic cases when I’m not around.
I’ve made my peace.
Leave it to the parents to fuck ‘em up. My brother is such a turd and a pushover with those snots. They need someone like you to shape them into something other than my wanting to kick them in the ass.
Eh, you can buy my kid for 2 bucks on ebay if you want…. you can buy my mother too.
laugh!
There is no kid worth two bucks. Dollar fifty maybe.
And I will refrain from cracking on your mom. The way you set it up so beautifully for me might be tough for other people to resist, but I will. It was too easy.
So, when you say your daughter is an angel, is this the same “thoughtless little pig” daughter?
PJ,
a). I get the joke. Nice. That phone call was funny.
b). I never said my daughter was an angel. I said she was nine. And cool. I know, I’m splitting hairs.
I fucking hate everyone’s kids. My kids are only cool because they’re fictional.
The end.
Your imaginary kids have nothing on my real ones. In fact your fictional ones suck too. Unless you had them with me. Then they’re the shit.
No way. I heard about your ex-wife – your babymaker gets nowhere near mine.
*SHUDDERS*
WHY ON EARTH WOULD ANYONE WANT TO HAVE KIDS.
okay so this is my first “stan” reading I TOTALLY AGREEE! my kids are awesome but what the fuck! the word “no” is not a death sentence, my kids have actually learned when they hear “no” they say “yes ma’am” and call it a day! its awesome! and the friggin baby pictures of ugly kids, honestly do you think they are really cute? are you blind? wth! *i’m hooked can’t wait to read more “stan”*