I am coming clean right now. I Tivo’d the Britney Spears “documentary” For the Record aka a really long infomercial for her new album. After Sunday Night Football I turned it on and watched it, taking notes the entire way, here is what I learned.
Britney thinks she is smart- In one segment Spears is being interviewed by the documentary crew and proclaims that she is a pretty smart person. Of course this is contrary to this video evidence, this photo evidence, and well pretty much anything from TMZ ever.
I know this whole special is about humanizing her and a chance for her to “tell her story” while selling us her new album but trying to tell me she is an intelligent human being is going a tad too far. It is one extra line of bullshit I really can’t swallow. I mean it would be like me saying I handsome, funny, intelligent, and I have a ten-inch penis… At some point you aren’t going to buy in anymore. (I bet you stopped at handsome.)
Britney breast fed- I don’t have a joke I just wanted to share that fact.
Justin Timberlake has a special penis- I used to think that Kevin Federline had a magic penis but in reality it was always Justin Timberlake. Britney attributes her breakup with him to starting her downward spiral. Apparently when she broke up with Justin she realized her fame and felt really alone. In order to feel better she decided to go out all the time because being on the go made her not think about it. The lesson of course to all the kids out there is that drinking makes you forget.
Then she got hammered in Vegas, married, had it annulled, met K-Fed, got married, bore is demon seed, divorced, and went crazy. So Justin Timberlake your penis essentially ruined her life I hope you are satisfied with yourself.
Britney used to be fun- In one segment Spears flies to NYC for a day of promotional shit and goes out to a Broadway play. She goes to dinner after the play with a few members of the cast and in the interview that is cut in throughout it she says that she used to live in NYC and used to lead a fun life. Then B-money proclaims that she used to be a cool girl and laments that she no longer is because she doesn’t have a life.
(Note to self: Never get knocked up by Kevin Federline he makes you uncool, not the becoming a parent part just the Kevin Federline part.)
Here is what Ms. Spears wants us to know about her (according to Britney)-
1) She is just like us- Except for the millions of dollars, living out a dream, and being able to never work again if she so chooses. Oh and I can’t forget the utter and complete insanity.
2) She loves what she does- When the hardest work you do is being in a dance studio for short routines for a video I would love my job too.
3) She loves her kids- Except for the entire special she is around them once while traveling all around. Sure I am sure over the 60 days that this special was shot she saw them more than once but it didn’t leave that impression at all.
4) She works really hard- Back to point number 2, Cloris Leachman is like 8,000 years old and she made it through training on Dancing with the Stars…. So calling dance studio work hard just lost a little credibility in my book. Also when they show her in the studio it is always with a producer that is just totally sampling over her stuff and boosting her vocals on pro tools. What is hard about your job again? Oh dealing with the press, guess who brought that on herself?
In the end the special that was supposed to humanize Britney ended up making me dislike her that much more. I don’t want to buy her new album and I walked away believing that Justin Timberlake has a vagina wrecker of a penis.
You are welcome, now you don’t have to watch.
Don’t you hate when celebrities try to humanize themselves thinking you will rush out and buy their shit because you think that they are just like you?