Does One Have To Be A Lesbian to Have A Variety Show?
This article should, I hope, have no bearing on my status as a friend o’ lesbians, but it was a trend that I recently noticed within this “unoriginal entertainment” world we now reside in.
The one thing about the holidays that occurs at no other point in the year is that I watch more television than I would normally watch. I mean, I watch a lot of TV. It’s cold outside, it’s the middle of the day, I’m too fuckin’ fat from eating enough leftover turkey and fixin’s to feed Darfur…you know the drill. I’ll watch anything on these days. Football, TV shows, British Comedy rip-offs on DVD, “Dirty Dancing” for the 10,783rd time and crappy children’s programming with big headed kids, shitty laugh tracks and were written by the chimp in the movie “Ed”.
Well, I saw quite a bit of ads for a few variety shows as well. And between Rosie O’Donnell’s “Rosie Live!” on NBC and Ellen DeGeneres’s “Ellen’s Even Bigger Really Big Show” on TBS from Vegas, the ads took up more space and time on my idiot box than my frenetic attempt to beat Jesus playing “One” by Metallica on Guitar Hero for my Wii. (That Jesus can shred, man).
So, I ask the question. Variety shows went bye-bye years ago with the passing of Rowan and Martin’s “Laugh In” and The Carol Burnett Show. Sure certain rejects and attempts have some and gone, like Dolly Parton’s show in the late-80’s and that ratings smash, ABC’s “Nick and Jessica’s Variety Hour”, but none of them had it right.
In order to get a variety show, you have to be a lesbian right? But, not only just a lesbian, but a “once-funny, really pushy, dance like a white dude and annoy the piss out of North America” lesbian…of which to my knowledge there are only two in the world…Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O’Donnell.
Now, Rosie’s show tanked big time, and she announced by her blog. Whatever. How she still gets work is beyond me, gay or not. Ellen’s, well, that dude just isn’t funny. So, who’s next?
I have ideas…
How about The Food Network putting out Camryn Manheim’s Eat Like You Got A Pair? where people come on the show and create just a pant load of fattening foods for bad moods…
Or MTV’s putting out Samantha Ronson’s If I Just Lie Here Looking Like I Play With My Balls, Will Lindsay Still Love Me?
…which should nicely compliment MTV’s heavy line-up of, Made, The Hills and The Hills Live Wrap Up Show.
Let’s not forget the Oxygen Channel’s soon to be not a hit starring Sex and The City’s Cynthia Nixon called, Thank Goodness for Gay Men Writers Giving Me A Career. (Special guest appearances by Mario Cantone necessary.)
See? They could all be winners. And I am sure that a small portion of half-of-half of the world would watch these…kind of like how the same amount of people watch anything on CBS.
You know what? Screw that. Is it too much to ask to just want a job as one of these cats?
It’s because they’re funny…maybe it takes being a lesbian to be funny. I mean, we have like, what, three female comedians out there who are actually funny?
At least Kathy Griffin likes penis.
I was going to throw in a Paula Poundstone joke too, but thought that might go too far. And don’t forget Wanda Sykes. Wait. She’s gay too, isn’t she?
You’re right. KG is the only one that likes the cock.
She is gay now that Prop 8 passed in California. Before that . . . well we could only speculate.
So, I guess that is why I’m not funny. And here I was thinking I was just too boring….
Shall I recommend to the top brass at Nick for you to get your own variety show? Lord knows my kids watch that crap enough, I’m bound to find out who to talk to.
Yeah…uhhh…I second the above.
can’t believe you watched it…am hoping you had a gun pointed at your head was the reason;)
I didn’t watch that shit. I just saw enough promos for it.
Please. I was making sure they put Baby in that corner once again.
Statler and Waldorf! They always knew best, and my favorite Muppets ever…that and the guy that used to throw the fish.
Statler and Waldorf are also my favorite Muppets. Them and the big blue eagle. Can never remember his name.
Statler and Waldorf are great. I love’em. But I love Rizzo the rat and the talking shrimp more.
That rat was pretty good. What about the Electric Mayhem band?
pepe isn’t a shrimp, he is a KING PRAWN!
still a shrimp to me…
I love Beeker.
“Mee me me Mee me me.”
That’s approximately 113% better than the dialogue on today’s childrens programming.
Is it too early to say “Beeker, King of the Muppets!”
I can’t believe there is no Animal love happening around here!
And what about Chef?!?
Lew Zealand was the muppet with the boomerang fish…he was quite awesome! And the big blue eagle was Sam
Nice work! I was too lazy to do the research.
I wish I was a lesbian.
I rather watch Ellen than Rosie.
Agreed. But I’d rather watch neither.
Apparently I’d rather watch Amateur Ukrainian Porn…
I noticed that.
Well what about the dewey cox variety show?
Wait…that wasn’t real?
Shit.
No, but it was funny.
Hey! Lisa Lampinelli likes the meat stick too! But then again she isn’t that funny either . . . SRonson’s got a sack? I was pretty sure the only limp dick she had was that smoke she had dangling from her lips 24/7.
Lisa Lampanelli gets annoying really fast, and my guess is that she’d tear off a meat stick and make fun of IT.
SRonson is a guy. Can’t you tell?
HOW DO I BECOME A TRUE LESBIAN?
ANYONE?
Ah Matt, unfortunately I have to agree. I thought Rosie was just plain mean, and EDG just seemed pointless. If it weren’t for the fact that they’re gay, and grrls like me are so desperate for entertainment that makes us feel included, I wouldn’t have watched.
Good talk show? Denton’s “Enough Rope” in Australia is a standout.