If nobody died in the procurement of my gift I don’t want it
To my loyal readers,
I’ve decided to adopt a new policy in regards to Christmas presents this holiday season, if nobody died in the procurement or making of my gift I don’t want it. Now you might say that is cruel or sadistic but really what says, “I really care about you” more than the death of an innocent person? Nothing I say.
So here are some suggestions on what you can get me for Christmas.
A blood diamond- No not the DVD with Leonardo DiCaprio and the one guy that plays a native African in every movie since Amistad… Djimon Hounsou. Just a side note but how crappy of a type casting has he been labeled with? “We need a big muscular black guy that sounds like he is from Africa… Get Djimon on the phone.” The sad thing is the dude has some serious acting chops. Just once I want to see him as Joe the next-door neighbor.
Anyway back to what I was saying… A blood diamond I is a pretty sweet gift. I mean it isn’t like one or two people were exploited or killed for one of these bad boys. The diamond basically financed a war, an insurgency, or the rule of a bloodthirsty warlord so there are hundreds of thousands of people impacted by this.
Something that was stolen from a Jewish family during WW2- What gift says I love you more than something stolen from a Jewish family by the Nazis on their way to a death camp? Nothing I say.
Plus you have the added bonus of the gift probably being art that was handed down through generations of a family that was ripped apart or ended by the Holocaust. So it just isn’t a piece of art it is the end of a legacy, sweet.
Something purchased at Wal-Mart on Black Friday- You still have a few hours left but what better way to show your compassion and love for someone than to trample a man to death and cause a woman to have a miscarriage (the miscarriage note was removed from the article because apparently the mother and baby are fine) as you knock her over on your way to low prices?
That cheap blu-ray player you bought me will probably break in six months but the blood on the box will last forever and really isn’t that what the holiday season is about.
Of course if you don’t have any money to buy these gifts you can just mug someone and stab them on their way out of the store. If you are going to do that make sure it is something electronic I have enough clothing right now.
Thanks,
Bobby Finstock
What is the over/under on stories about people getting trampled to death on black Friday?
You stink…I was just writing about this for tomorrow. No Christmas present for you. Boo.
Don’t worry nobody read eve-101.com you can still write about it there.
Oh wait… I probably shouldn’t say that.
You’ve definitely cornered the market for man-crushes. There’s no denying it.
Man crushes? Huh?
I believe she’s making a pun on how a man was crushed to death.
And that’s terrible.
If you want to see Djimon Hounsou as the guy next store watch Beauty Shop. He’s Queen Latifah’s love interest and lives above her shop. Plus the movie is really funny.
If you cut my balls off then maybe I will watch Beauty Shop
Is it a problem that I am starting to get my daily news from your posts, Bobby? I had no idea this death happened until I read it here.
I am now officially as credible as Fox News…
wait a second
Probably more credible than The Daily Show, that’s for sure.
Fuck Dimitri Martin
I’ve hated Dmitri Martin ever since I saw him rip off some Mitch Hedberg jokes on his comedy special
….When I saw that article this morning, I just had to copy-paste it on facebook. I think we felt the same way.
It is just disgusting… There is a reason why I think I am becoming more and more of a shut in.
I want to have Djimon Hounsou’s love child
Does he look like the guy at the gym?
Got a bit sidetracked in your post there with L-L-Leo…mmmm Leo. My legs magically open just by the mere mention of any of his movies, sans Titantic, but including Gilbert Grape. Disturbing I know but any woman who has seen him in The Departed would understand.
And, hey, how about an ol’ KKK relic for Christmas? I’m sure I could roundz sumpin up. Or a rack of antlers? How about a FryDaddy? Those are popular down here.
Leo looks too much like a 12 year old boy for me to enjoy him
See, I thought the same thing. I didn’t even care for him, though I had begrudgingly admitted I liked him in the Howard Hughes movie, I still wasn’t a fan. Then I saw him in The Departed and, oh my, oh oh oh my! Particularly this one scene where he beats the shit out of a guy in a convenience store to solidify his rep as a hot head. Ohhhhhh my.
I think I need to watch that movie again tonight.
Great observation! I’m sure my mom is out there somewhere stabbing someone at Walmart as I type, so my gift has blood on it!
)
Wow, way to make me feel bad for owning art from the Holocaust….
OMFG…..this WAS a true story. Jeez, living under a rock sometimes I swear I don’t catch the news. But don’t worry, my gift to you didn’t come from this wal-mart store. =)
Seriously what is wrong with people that they have to get up early in the a.m., just to go to Wal-Mart and act like its the end of the world to get stuff that most people are either going to break or never use. I still dont understand why people think its a beat down to get to the last great deal, when chances are you can go online and get it cheaper.
It doesn’t surprise me… the man trampled to death.
I even understand how the first few people may have trampled over him in the “push” but according to reports, the video shows that he was trampled by “hundreds” –at what point is it ok to step on a man, b/c that is what the person in front of you did. I am sure after the first hundred people could have safely stopped and helped him up.
In some countries, people get stomped to death during frenzied moments at religious pilgrimages… It’s no different here.
The woman didn’t miscarry, they were both alive and in the hospital.
it was noted in the post….
you forgot the two pricks that killed each other in a california toysrus.
you spelled Leo’s last name wrong, and Blu-ray too.
Thanks… corrected
Love the article. I was contemplating writing something like this.
You spoke for me.
Funny post! But for some reason it makes me sad…
you spelled bluray wrong
ignorance…
a good way to celebrate christmas is to not buy anything at all. many many many people do not deserve a gift, including the author of this stupid article.
looks like you are getting coal this year
I have a ps3. lol
How about the bible? Millions of innocents (and not just people) have died because of it. Would that make an appropriate gift?
my sentiments exactly
No content, low quality article, attempts to be shocking but ends up being otherwise dull and does nothing but repeat the news of the day. Inaccurately at that the woman didn’t have a miscarriage.
When this was posted the article stated that she did have a miscarriage.
So crappy comment… adds nothing to the post. Is kind of a jackass. Typical digg user.
That’s a really lame comment Jared. I’m sure Bobby isn’t going for the Pulitzer prize here. You’ve completely missed the point in your haste to self-profess your authority on internet blog composition.
I liked your article Bobby. I bet no one who left Wal Mart that day connected that poor mans death to their extreme consumerist behavior evident under their Christmas Tree this year.
And yeah, I got that the lady and her baby are fine. Unlike those other critics who are so quick to comment before reading it through.
Amazing
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/nov/29/wal-mart-blackfriday-shoppersstampede
“A 28-year-old pregnant woman was taken to a hospital, where she and her baby were reported to be fine. Police said criminal charges were possible in the case, but said it would be difficult to identify individual shoppers. Authorities were reviewing surveillance video.”
The news reported early and the NY Times removed the miscarriage line because it wasn’t true.
Jesus… we got that… We understand that. This is a satire blog not a news source. When it was initially reported when the post went up it said she did, then I noted it was removed. I am not checking it 50 times a day to correct a humor blog.
When I submitted the correction, no other comments showed up on the page. The entire area below the article was clear except for the submission box.
I wasn’t being rude, just offering a correction. Don’t take it personally man.
sorry about that… I think I had my period yesterday
Then this isn’t a humor blog worth reading!
If you want to see Djimon Hounsou as the next-door neighbor (he’s still somewhat African, but not “native”) watch In America, where he plays a New York artist. I have the greatest respect for his acting, and I would say that’s hist best role.
I will check it out… I think he is an excellent actor as well.. Thanks for a truly useful comment
Dang son,
Congrats on getting on Digg again. This is seriously a crazy world we live in. To save a few bucks we kill!@? Man, I was talking to family over the holiday. We said we were afraid Black Friday is going to take over the importance of Thanksgiving. Scary thought, because that means more people are going to die. Did you read about the two guys who shot each other to death in Toys R Us?
Yeah I heard about that last night… it is amazing… ugh.
And thanks for the props.
wow. it would be a bunch of black people at the doors.
Fucking savages walking over someone and then getting pissed when the police close the store because you trampled him to death.
The woman didn’t have a miscarriage, her and the baby are fine.
Oy vey.
In other news, I signed up as a site member, but I still can’t post with the cool little avatar and whatnot. How do I do that?
You need to go to gravatar.com and sign up there.
I was the reason that fat mother had a miscarriage.
some of the posters above seem to have the same empathy for your blog that the crowd had for the trampled man.
Those posters have the same IQ as the crowd as well.
I Think it’s pretty cool when you have your closest friends and family read and comment on your blog
DIGG SUCKS
Just wanted to point out that Djimon Hounsou plays an african immigrant in that b movie with queen latifah so yea… nice try but not matter what continent he’s on this dude is typecasted as african
SERIOUSLY…TARGET IS WAAAAAY BETTER THAN WALMART.
I WAS PLANNING ON GIVING YOU MY VIRGINITY FOR XMAS.
Unless it is sticking it in your ear I don’t think you are a virgin in any other capacity.
Um wasn’t this my idea? I think so. K love you bye.
Uh I think we were discussing it… and it blossomed.
As someone who suffered first hand at the war in sierra leone, the place blood diamond took place, i can say that i fully agree with this article. We (my parents, grand mother, aunt and i) where ambushed in our own home and heald under gun point for over an hour. They took everything. yet for some reason they spared our lives. Its a memory that haunts me still all these years later. I can say that societies petty obsession with such petty things as diamonds and gold, things with no real value other then that which we place on it, will continue causing such harm and suffering for many more decades to come and it makes me sad.
[...] That fact that someone lost their life so a bunch of fuckwastes could “get their savings on” is beyond disgusting. What a pointless death. I really hope the individuals that actually stomped out that persons life, clawing and climbing over each other to save $25 on a George Foreman grill are charged with manslaughter. As soon as the doors came off the hinges, someone should have said, “whoah guys, maybe we should calm the F down.” I guess BluRay players are the new blood diamonds. [...]
Mmmmm, no…I was referring to male readers having hetero crushes on Finstock. It wasn’t a well played jab, but not a suggestion that I am in to innocent shoppers getting trampled.
Geez.