"Maybe it was a dream, you know, a very weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet,
detailed dream. Maybe we have malaria."


A date with Wolf-Jay

By: Bobby Finstock on 11/27/08 @ 10:21 pm

(Date number 4 had one more story that she wanted to tell. So now that you are sick of your family and need a reason to avoid them here is a little story. I will be back tomorrow with a new post. Hope you all had a good Thanksgiving.)

About five actual dates into the whole match.com thing, I was kind of over it. It really is a complete and utter ego-boost when you have all of these dudes winking and e-mailing you left and right, albeit the dorkiest and most annoyingly bland people you will ever encounter, it’s still attention that makes you feel good.

So, this guy e-mails me one night, we’ll call him Jay, and he seems okay… he mentioned having a passion for music which always intrigues me because I have a useless knowledge of music trivia that requires some flexing every once in a while. I write back and try to blow him away with my expertise in everything rock-n-roll and eventually after a few e-mail messages and AIM sessions, we exchange numbers.

He calls me and our convo is pretty good… he gets my sense of humor, he’s semi-intelligent, he’s taller than me. He loves Stevie Ray Vaughn. We decide to get together at some point later in the week.

The next night, he calls me again… we talk on the phone for almost two hours. I don’t think I have done something this insanely Junior High, well since Junior High, but at the time, we were getting to know each other and it seemed like a good idea to discuss my life’s acheivements with this complete stranger.

We meet on a random Thursday night, and have a few drinks, and have an overall good first date. He was not the brightest bulb on the tree, and was a bit overkill with telling me about his ex-girlfriend. I thought that even though he wasn’t blowing my hair back, I’d consider going on a second date. You never know… he could just be nervous and that’s why he’s constantly telling me about how wonderful his ex was… either that or he’s a loser. I was betting on the former being the case and not the latter.

Since we were hanging out in my neck of the woods, and he claimed he was a bit too tipsy to drive home, I invited him to stay at my place. I informed him that there would be no sexual contact under any circumstances which was fine with him because ‘he is really into me…’

Maybe a bit too into me… we went to bed; he wants to hold me… he wants to kiss me… he wants to massage my shoulders… he wants to run his fingers through my hair… I want to sleep. After continuing to politely push his advances away, he finally gives up the molestation attempt and we go to sleep.

Sometime in the morning I awaken and notice his arm draped across my midsection in a nonchalant spooning maneuver. In order to be able to get out of bed to use the facilities, I gently pick up his arm to be freed from his embrace and notice the abnormal amount of hair covering his hand. Did this shit grow overnight?! It was seriously the longest, darkest hair I have ever seen on human hands. I felt like I was beeing cuddled by a gorilla. It grew all the way past his knuckles, right before the tips of his fingers!!! At the sight of his wiry fingers, I gasped loudly and disgustedly, which in turn awoke the peacefully sleeping Jay, who then inquired as to what was wrong.

Wolf-Jay: Are you alright, Baby?
Me: Ummm, I have to pee.

In the bathroom, although I was still in shock that I hadn’t at all noticed the fur carpet that covered this kids hands while I consumed a multitude of T&T’s the previous evening, I contemplated how I could affectively get this beast out of my apartment…I don’t know if there was a full moon out, but there was no way Teen Wolf would be staying for coffee. His hairy hands literally reminded me of the scene in Thriller where Michael Jackson starts turning into the Werewolf. Only there wasn’t going to be a zombie dance-off in this episode. I seriously began to become sick to my stomach when I recalled him rubbing my shoulders and had to take a few deep breaths and convince myself that his furry mitts wouldn’t ever again be placed anywhere on my body if I could help it. Yeah, this kid had to go.

I returned to the bedroom and he was positioned on his side, arm outstretched, in preporation for me to crawl back into the warm bed where we could then get comfy and snuggle … boy, was I going to ruin his day.

Jay-Wolf: Come here, Baby, I want to hug you.
Me: Eh, no… it’s time for you to go.
Jay-Wolf: What? It’s like 6 am.
Me: Yeah, I have stuff to do.
Jay-Wolf: At 6am? You don’t work until 3pm.
Me: I have to change my sheets.
Jay-Wolf: But I’m laying here…plus, we planned on getting breakfast!
Me: Get up. I have shit to do.

He looked at me with horror… like I had just told him I was going to shit into a pie plate and throw it into his grandmother’s face at her 80th birthday party.

He didn’t know what to do… he just kept staring at me. I then felt a tad bit sorry for the kid and said, ‘Look, I don’t mean to be a bitch. I was thinking that maybe we need some time apart… I don’t know if I’m ready for all this.’

He totally knew this was a crock of shit. I mean, who breaks up with a person before they’ve officially started dating?! Even I had to think about what was coming out of my mouth… did I really just say that? I am an asshole, but this kid was gross… and he had touched me… I visibly cringed.

Jay-Wolf then got dressed, grabbed his stuff, and turned to speak to me before he headed out the door.

‘So do you want to meet up for drinks tomorrow night?’

I smiled and told him I’d call him later.

Lesson Learned #1: Closely examine your date’s visible body parts before inviting them to stay in your bed.

Lesson Learned #2: I have a thing about hands. I really don’t like excessively hairy ones.

Lesson Learned #3: I changed my sheets directly after I locked my door behind him.

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

48 Responses to “A date with Wolf-Jay”

  1. Tits McGee says:

    Sorry but you sound like a complete and utter bitch.
    There I said it.

    • James says:

      Im with Tits on this one. I also dont think this is the true story.

      • Patrick D. says:

        That’s three for ‘bitch’.

        • Fiona says:

          Make it four. Talk about hot and cold.
          If you’ve just shared a bed with someone they deserve a little more tact, it’s not like he masturbated in your bed like the lady below.

          • Tits McGee says:

            That is what I was thinking, why wasn’t he on the couch?
            And I’m with James- it sounds a bit contrived. I mean, how do you not notice hands that hairy when having drinks?

            Christine below: Jealous? Ohmahgawd! Like, I sooooooo could have had lunch with Kev at a titty bar in Atlanta. *flips hair*
            I’m not jealous, trust me. I just call em like I see em, or read em in this case. :) Maybe I’m wrong, then so be it, but I don’t see you claiming anyone in agreement below my comment is jealous, and Fiona totally gets hard nips over Kevin.

    • Adam says:

      Bitch may have been a little strong, there. I would go with ‘retard’. If she is turned off by hairy hands, thats cool. But was he sitting on them all night? Hair doesn’t grow that long over night. Physically impossible. (and if I’m wrong, this dude could make a fortune selling his DNA to rogaine.) And women that are as picky and snobby as this chick is tend to be especially observant about body and behavior. So yeah, either she’s high, retarded or a liar. Something doesn’t add up.

      alright, fine, bitch works too.

  2. PsYcHo BiTcH says:






  3. Mallory says:

    I would’ve done the same thing. That’s just… disturbing. I have a weird thing about hand hygiene.. dirty nails are also a biiigg no no.

    Worse story :: I had a couple friends stay the night after drinking too much one night, and after the guest bed, couch, and floor were taken, I offered to let a really close guy friend of mine to sleep in my bed. He KNEW there was not going to be any sexual contact.. he was like my brother. Gross. Not to mention this fool was goofy looking.. just sayin’..

    Well when he woke me up at like, 6 am, wanting to do the deed, I of course said no. I woke up about 30 minutes later to him jacking off in my bed. I told him he was a sick fuck and made him leave. Then immediately changed my sheets.. and threw up. The next morning everyone wondered where he went, he was their ride. It was an awful experience.

    I would’ve taken hairy hands.

  4. gail says:

    I don’t think she is a bitch I have a 3 date rule. That is I can break it off with a guy for any reason and it dosent matter what.

    One time I stoped seeing a guy because his phone had a good charlotte ringback tone.

    And another guy because he dident drink beer out of a mug because it was too heavy and he always asked for a pint glass

  5. Christine says:

    That was funny and very entertaining. Thank you for sharing. Glad you’ve decided to upgrade. I don’t think you’re a bitch and don’t understand why anyone would think so. I believe Tits might be jealous. ;)

  6. Susan says:

    I don’t think you were an utter bitch – I think “Tits” just may be the hairy man you got rid of :)

  7. Augusto says:

    Amusing story but lacking some credibility – unless you were drinking in a pitch black darkened bar, how could you not see his hands all evening. Plus, was there no sofa or something thick like a sleeping bag to put on the floor?


  8. Chris says:

    That right there was a fail.

  9. Rinse & Repeat says:

    Wow. You should have at least had breakfast before kicking his ass to the curb. Hairy freaks have feelings too.

    Speaking of hairy freaks, has anyone seen Bobby’s hands and feet lately? He just might be a fucking gorilla.

    Manscaping – Boys, look into it.

  10. Simple Mindz says:

    Ouch. I would be afraid of letting him stay in my apt. The extra hair is is nasty! I would be gagging just thinking about it.

  11. Meghan says:

    Oh stop calling her a bitch.

    I had a friend that did this often…invite people over to our apt and just boot them if she so much as noticed a fluff ball stuck to their jacket. She was a lot too put up with. Fickle.

    I’m more grossed out about him calling her ‘Baby’ than I am about the hair. But that’s what she gets for letting the drunk guy sleep in her bed.

  12. Date Number 4 says:

    Ok, ok! It was a bitch move, I’ll give you guys that. However in my defense, there are a few points that I must remind you all of:

    -This was the VERY FIRST TIME I had met this character and in the dimly lit bar where we were having drinks, I had not noticed the amount of hair on his hands… I was way too busy getting to know the guy and what his hands looked like was not a priority.

    -He was talking about his ex-girlfriend (not me) during a first date with a seemingly mutually interested party (me). Girls, help me out here; if a dude talks about his ex the first time you hang out with him… in excess… don’t you feel a little put off? I mean, he is trying to get to know who YOU are, right? That’s the idea of a first date.

    -I was not about to let a drunk guy (no matter how much I thought he was just meh) drive home when he said he should not. That’s just rude… and it could be dangerous. We were at a bar in walking distance, so I offered for him to stay with me… and by the way, I do not have a couch.

    -I totally could have had breakfast with him, but I would have probably would lose my appetite if I had to eat sitting across from him; his hands were THAT BAD! Plus, who wants to lead somebody on? The faster you let it go, the faster you move on… I’m not in the business of wasting anybody’s time; other, more insecure, girls do that.

    P.S. Tits, you really DO want to be in my shoes, eh? At least I get to go on a second date with Mr. Finstock. You, however, can only post shit on his blog…

    • Tori says:

      I would have told him to get a cab after the ex-girlfriend talk, but I’ve invited more than one less-than-appealing guy to stay the night. I used to have really low self-esteem and a hard time saying no. I think, while it was a little bitchy (and so what?), it was definitely the right move.

      Oh and I about fell out of my chair laughing at the P.S.

  13. Tits McGee says:

    Hell no I don’t. I think you come across as a self-righteous, egotistical bitch, who in reality is only putting on a show for the masses yet whimpers uncle at the first slight against you.
    *thumps you hard on the head with my dick*
    You attack me yet there are five others who agreed with my assessment. Talk about showing insecurity. Tsk, tsk! Your game is not only bullshit, it’s not even believable bullshit.

    Get real.

    • Date Number 4 says:

      Well, thanks so much for the compliments, Tits.

      I am most definitely self-righteous and very egotistical, but am also completely honest and extremely secure… I am not afraid of telling people what I think of them and can take reciprocating criticism constructively. There is no game here… sorry; try again.

      And do you honestly think I was attacking you? Ha! I was merely adding fuel to the fire when it comes to calling out your obvious jealousy. You have posted nothing but nasty bitchiness on every blog I’ve read here… and that makes people not take what you say seriously. I know I don’t.

      And as a sanitation courtesy, please keep your dick to yourself…

  14. Tits McGee says:

    What I don’t get is why are you all up on my shit? Because I said something that half the forum agreed with? Oh my bad, over half? I notice you aren’t attacking any of the other commenters, and that’s odd, isn’t it? I mean we all know you apparently do not see very well, but jesus. You offered up this story and received opinions back on it. DEAL.
    Not even Bobby acts as if he was kicked in his vagina when people disagree with him and call him out on it.
    Count to ten. Go wax your muffin. Wash your hair.

  15. Jessica says:

    I’m on Date Number 4’s side… just a little late coming to the game. I can’t stand hairy hands, either, but I would’ve told him to get a cab or something if he didn’t think he could make it home. And I’m OCD, so I would’ve paid close attention to some other part of his body – especially if he was talking about his ex the entire time – to find something worth keeping him around.

    Other than that, I’m on her side, and I’m looking forward to more of this!

    • Jessica says:

      Lemme clarify: By “some other part of his body,” I mean other than his face. At least that way, he might have gotten the hint that talking about his ex wasn’t cool.

  16. Branwyn says:

    I’m with Jessica on this. Body Hair? EWWWWW *shudder* I’m not even a big fan of my own and shave off as much as socially acceptable. LOL! I would’ve had him sleep on the couch though. Letting him in the bed and then kicking him to the curb is a little harsh. But hey, what woman hasn’t suffered some of her own harsh accounts? Just giving back to the community! I understand and if that makes me a self righteous egotistical bitch….I’m sorry.
    (I do happen to have my very own hairy beast here at home, and he does his very best to stay trimmed/shaved/and cleaned up. He can’t go “body bald”, he’s military and that would raise questions. I had to work very hard at not being queasy around his nakedness…but I’m a bitch right? At least he knew up front)
    Lets talk about the guys who will “give you a call”…Dickheads. LOL!

  17. kate says:

    I’ll believe ya when me shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbet

  18. Fiona says:

    My tits don’t compare Tits ;) Anyway, the only thing I get hard nips over is shoes. Sorry Kevin. lol

  19. Liar…

    An all out groundswell against date number 4… I haven’t even posted my recap of our first date.

    This could get interesting.

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