(Date number 4 had one more story that she wanted to tell. So now that you are sick of your family and need a reason to avoid them here is a little story. I will be back tomorrow with a new post. Hope you all had a good Thanksgiving.)
About five actual dates into the whole match.com thing, I was kind of over it. It really is a complete and utter ego-boost when you have all of these dudes winking and e-mailing you left and right, albeit the dorkiest and most annoyingly bland people you will ever encounter, it’s still attention that makes you feel good.
So, this guy e-mails me one night, we’ll call him Jay, and he seems okay… he mentioned having a passion for music which always intrigues me because I have a useless knowledge of music trivia that requires some flexing every once in a while. I write back and try to blow him away with my expertise in everything rock-n-roll and eventually after a few e-mail messages and AIM sessions, we exchange numbers.
He calls me and our convo is pretty good… he gets my sense of humor, he’s semi-intelligent, he’s taller than me. He loves Stevie Ray Vaughn. We decide to get together at some point later in the week.
The next night, he calls me again… we talk on the phone for almost two hours. I don’t think I have done something this insanely Junior High, well since Junior High, but at the time, we were getting to know each other and it seemed like a good idea to discuss my life’s acheivements with this complete stranger.
We meet on a random Thursday night, and have a few drinks, and have an overall good first date. He was not the brightest bulb on the tree, and was a bit overkill with telling me about his ex-girlfriend. I thought that even though he wasn’t blowing my hair back, I’d consider going on a second date. You never know… he could just be nervous and that’s why he’s constantly telling me about how wonderful his ex was… either that or he’s a loser. I was betting on the former being the case and not the latter.
Since we were hanging out in my neck of the woods, and he claimed he was a bit too tipsy to drive home, I invited him to stay at my place. I informed him that there would be no sexual contact under any circumstances which was fine with him because ‘he is really into me…’
Maybe a bit too into me… we went to bed; he wants to hold me… he wants to kiss me… he wants to massage my shoulders… he wants to run his fingers through my hair… I want to sleep. After continuing to politely push his advances away, he finally gives up the molestation attempt and we go to sleep.
Sometime in the morning I awaken and notice his arm draped across my midsection in a nonchalant spooning maneuver. In order to be able to get out of bed to use the facilities, I gently pick up his arm to be freed from his embrace and notice the abnormal amount of hair covering his hand. Did this shit grow overnight?! It was seriously the longest, darkest hair I have ever seen on human hands. I felt like I was beeing cuddled by a gorilla. It grew all the way past his knuckles, right before the tips of his fingers!!! At the sight of his wiry fingers, I gasped loudly and disgustedly, which in turn awoke the peacefully sleeping Jay, who then inquired as to what was wrong.
Wolf-Jay: Are you alright, Baby?
Me: Ummm, I have to pee.
In the bathroom, although I was still in shock that I hadn’t at all noticed the fur carpet that covered this kids hands while I consumed a multitude of T&T’s the previous evening, I contemplated how I could affectively get this beast out of my apartment…I don’t know if there was a full moon out, but there was no way Teen Wolf would be staying for coffee. His hairy hands literally reminded me of the scene in Thriller where Michael Jackson starts turning into the Werewolf. Only there wasn’t going to be a zombie dance-off in this episode. I seriously began to become sick to my stomach when I recalled him rubbing my shoulders and had to take a few deep breaths and convince myself that his furry mitts wouldn’t ever again be placed anywhere on my body if I could help it. Yeah, this kid had to go.
I returned to the bedroom and he was positioned on his side, arm outstretched, in preporation for me to crawl back into the warm bed where we could then get comfy and snuggle … boy, was I going to ruin his day.
Jay-Wolf: Come here, Baby, I want to hug you.
Me: Eh, no… it’s time for you to go.
Jay-Wolf: What? It’s like 6 am.
Me: Yeah, I have stuff to do.
Jay-Wolf: At 6am? You don’t work until 3pm.
Me: I have to change my sheets.
Jay-Wolf: But I’m laying here…plus, we planned on getting breakfast!
Me: Get up. I have shit to do.
He looked at me with horror… like I had just told him I was going to shit into a pie plate and throw it into his grandmother’s face at her 80th birthday party.
He didn’t know what to do… he just kept staring at me. I then felt a tad bit sorry for the kid and said, ‘Look, I don’t mean to be a bitch. I was thinking that maybe we need some time apart… I don’t know if I’m ready for all this.’
He totally knew this was a crock of shit. I mean, who breaks up with a person before they’ve officially started dating?! Even I had to think about what was coming out of my mouth… did I really just say that? I am an asshole, but this kid was gross… and he had touched me… I visibly cringed.
Jay-Wolf then got dressed, grabbed his stuff, and turned to speak to me before he headed out the door.
‘So do you want to meet up for drinks tomorrow night?’
I smiled and told him I’d call him later.
Lesson Learned #1: Closely examine your date’s visible body parts before inviting them to stay in your bed.
Lesson Learned #2: I have a thing about hands. I really don’t like excessively hairy ones.
Lesson Learned #3: I changed my sheets directly after I locked my door behind him.