Winter Sucks and So Do You
I was told I have been “cranky” lately, which usually leads to “Matt, you need to get laid” amongst other statements regarding forms of stress relief that people abide by. Believe me, this dude abides.
But, I have solid reasoning as to why I am as miserable as a male dog recently severed from his clockweights.
Winter is here in a major fashion. And I hate winter, with a passion. Fuck wit’ me, I’ll be a-slashin’, homeless folk on they gub’ment ration…(had to do it…)
Now, I am a social person. I like to strike up conversations with people I don’t know in all sorts of situations. Situations like waiting in line, sales calls, being in a drunken stupor at a tavern soliciting nice looking blondes with great legs, or urinating in public.
The lady I was approached by at the local “Dirty Urinal Convenience Store” this morning feels otherwise. I made sure she had a crappy Friday.
Yes, I was at a store this morning purchasing my obligatory annual cup of joe that I never get unless it’s cold when, while waiting in line for the rectal thermometer in front of me to complete his purchase of a pack of gum using debit Mastercard, I was followed by a middle aged woman that was much too happy for my taste on this “testicle hiding” winter morning. I just looked at her like she had a penis growing out of her forehead when she chimed in with, “I’m so excited that it’s going to snow tonight. Aren’t you?”
Now, on the inside I was saying, “Are you fucking nuts? Do you realize that it will not stop snowing here until May, and when it gets snowy and slick out on the roads that every person around here starts driving like they are an 89 year old handicapped person, stroking out, looking for the nearest Perkins?”
On the outside, all I could muster to that query was “Absolutely not. Winter sucks.”
To which she said, “How can you not be excited! The holidays are coming, it’s the most wonderful time of the year.”
“With all due respect, ma’am, the holidays come around this time of year world wide. If I had a palm tree I’d decorate the thing if I knew that on December 26th it would be 70 degrees and I’d not have to step outside and freeze my ass off.”
“That’s crazy” she cleverly stated. “You need to move away from Michigan. Why are you here then?”
Gee…never heard that one before, Plato.
“Well, because my parents decided that it would be a great idea if we moved here from California when I was a kid, hence I am stuck here and I can’t move out of this god forsaken piece of frozen earth out of extreme guilt of leaving everyone I know and love just because I am a selfish ass.”
“Well, sorry to hear that,” she replied.
“Meh”. Yeah, I am sorry too. Now give me my Hot Carmel Cider Fruitista Monkey Spunkachino. Nay, my Venti Hot Carmel Cider Fruitista Monkey Spunkachino
I’m a regular Ebenezer Scrooge, damn it. Old man winter can lick my ball sack. Even if his tongue freezes to my hanging fruit bowl like a frozen pole (pun totally intended).
Here’s the deal: When I was 8, my parents and I moved from California to Michigan in the middle of February. The day we arrived it was -10 degrees with a foot of snow on the ground. Upon entering the state, I literally puked. My first memorable experience with snow, ice, cold and winter, I was the “chunder king”. Mile marker one on I-75, in the state of Michigan, I yakked all over my folks 1980 Chevy Citation hatchback, my Joe Montana jersey and my Peanuts comforter.
Poor Pigpen and Snoopy were never the same. It’s been a hate/hate relationship with winter ever since. (In retrospect, I might have had the flu, but, still…)
So, the next person that gives me shit about my not loving winter, I’ll not be nice, and I’ll simply state that I would kill for 90 degrees with 99% humidity and mosquitoes as large as god-damned Buicks because anyone that loves such cold as to wear fourteen layers of clothing and still shiver mercilessly, and smile, is fucking crazy.
Civilization began in the desert. I am simply following suit.
And THAT is why I am the prick I am this lovely day.
Any questions? Good.
Don’t eat yellow snow, igloo lovers.
You can come down to texas and live in my garage. I guarantee it’ll be atleast 90 in there on Christmas day.
We’re having a bar-b-que too.
THAT’S the kind of stuff I would love. Heat, humidity and barbeque on Christmas. The way the good Lord baby Jesus in his gold plated diapers intended.
8 pounds 6 ounces baby Jesus, new born, not even spoken a word yet?
I like to think of him wearing a tuxedo t-shirt, cause, it says I’m semi formal, but I like to party, too.
The question would then become who pulls off the tuxedo shirt better, Chuck Norris or Jesus?
It’s kind of cold today in CO, but not so bad. It’s maybe 40 right now. And on Monday and Tuesday it was about 70. I don’t love the cold but we rarely get/stay below freezing and it’s a good excuse to snuggle up with someone cute and stay in.
It’s 20 here. On the way to 30. Snow fall along the Lake (where I am) could be anywhere from 1-8 inches. Every day.
Here is our local forecast. “Continued cold with temps in the 30’s and low’s in the teens and twenties. Scattered snow showers throughout the weekend…into next week, the week after, fuck it, all the way to March. Bundle up, idiots!”
I’m in DC and the winter honestly isn’t all that bad but I still hate it. I don’t ski so I have no use for snow. I hate cold wet feet. I hate bundling up in coats, sweaters, hats, gloves and such as.
But I am happy with 75 degrees without the humidity.
Cheers
I have been to DC in the winter. Not to shabby. But with all that hot air up on Capitol Hill, is it any wonder?
Yeah, I’m not a big fan of winter. I went from Hawaii to Massachusetts when I was three, and snow was awesome then. After 41 years, though, the glow kind of wears off.
It does fade into a dull yellow, doesn’t it? Or is that piss?
It didn’t start getting cold until this week. Monday – Wednesday it was around 33-40 degrees. And yesterday, God decided to be a smartass and make it 62 degrees and now its like 34 degrees outside right now. I miss the past couple of weeks were in the 60-70s sometimes 80s.
I’ll take 34 if it means no snow.
at least you get snow. 22 years in south carolina and i can count how many times it actually snowed on one hand.
Snow sucks ass. Trust me. I’ll take four days of “cold” weather that you get any day of the week. Wanna trade?
Im eating ice cream with a tempeture of about 32° C. I think i should buy a palm tree for this Christmas…
Ugh! Pittsburgh is expecting 3 to 4 inches by day’s end and people wonder why we drink so much. We have to worry about black snow on top of yellow snow because of the permanent mark left by the steel mills.
*Begins to daydream*
Michigan sounds like paradise.
Even our snow is unemployed here in Michigan, so you have it better, I assure you.
I hate those people. My neighbor loves to shovel snow, which is the reason sometimes I leave our shared driveway alone the day after a big storm. Here’s hoping we have one tonight, crazy woman.
Right. I’m gonna have to be the douchebag that says I love snow.
Sorrrrrry. I really don’t mind the cold so much as long as there’s snow on the ground.
I just spent the last 4 years in Alberta, and let me tell you… an average winter’s day might be -25 or -30, so cold the insides of your nostrils freeze up after a few minutes, and you have to blink repeatedly so your eyeballs don’t feel like they’re freezing.
But if it’s sparkling white outside, and I can chuck snowballs at people or skate in boots on my street, or hop to the mountains for a day of snowboarding, I’m a happy chick.
1) Cold weather causes “healf prob-lems”
and one of the few things I dont miss about Chicockgo.
2) I like to masturbate in the snow. Seal this!
3) Here the highs lately have been in the low 70’s, high 60’s
4) I wore flip flops to pick up my kid for the last week
5) Seal this! Oh wait I already said that.
And that dog- puggle! Such cute dogs.
That pooch looks miserable. Ergo, why I chose him…poor guy.
Boy, do I agree! I HATE winter. As soon as I gotta wear my winter coat I am pissin & moaning.
I can tolerate winter till Jan. Then it needs to get the hell out.
Unfortunately, Mass does not allow 1 day spring/summer till freaking May!
I grew up in this horseshit weather in Western New York. To this day I curse my folks for not moving someplace warm, and I curse myself for … well, for not moving someplace warm.
Ahhh, Michigan… I’m so glad I made the wise decision to move from Lake Effect Snow to NorEasters that bury 26inches onto the top of my car.
Look for me to relocate to Montreal or The Alps next. I was kind of hoping to get more pale.
You should move to neither.
I hear Tibet is pretty nice…
The getting laid part is irrational too in these winter times. After the deed is done you still have to go home through the winter landscapes, which right now is sporting a grey sky and horizontal snowing madness (not leaving my home willingly today), and when you get home all soaked and annoyed, the blissful getting-laid-ness suddenly maybe wasn’t worth it.
I make it a policy never to curse at the elderly, but I can barely stifle a big old ‘F- You!’ when the retired ladies in my women’s chorus rhapsodize about how lovely the snow is. Shut up. You don’t have to go anywhere. Except to the airport when you leave to do the snowbird thing wherever the heck it is you do that. I hate you. See you in April.
The only thing worse than sub-freezing temperatures and snow year-round is… RAIN.
Forecast for Eugene, Oregon… 40-50 and rain until next June. Have fun and prepare yourself with sandbags when the annual flooding hits.
WOW!!! I live in Michigan and I feel the same way. I would love to up and leave but the people I loved are here. I hate the snow, I hate the holidays, and I hate the happy people who don’t stop smiling or singing Christmas carols!
American society glorifies this weather with all these cutesy snowmen. Frosty The Snowman is really the White Devil.
That beady-eyed ,moon-faced , carrot-nosed douchebag!
wow, finally someone who hates winter as much as I do! I live in Rochester, NY where there is currently about 8 feet of snow on the ground. I just had to shovel – yes, shovel – snow off my car for 20 minutes before I could drive to the store, which is 1 mile away, for 25 minutes in the freezing cold on ice-covered roads – to finish xmas shopping. Most wonderful time of the year my ass. I am moving to Florida in June, leaving behind all my friends and family, because I am a selfish ass and I don’t care. I don’t feel guilt, if anything, they should feel guilty for being stupid enough to stay here.
Sitting here in frozen Buffalo NY and typed “fucking winter sucks” into google and your blog came up…man I couldnt agree more with you…wish I could but move but the family etc…
Your blog made me laugh my balls off…thx
Trick question. Me.