Masturbation Conversation: Dating Graveyard or Dating Gold?
I got a phone call from a good friend of mine the other day. Said friend, whom I will call “Tenacious D” or T.D. for short, due to his striking resemblance to Kyle Gass, is what I would call a perpetual dater.
He’s kind of like Finstock on here, really, minus the brown shoes and fascination with Asian chicks and blumpkin porn.
Anyway, for years I have lived vicariously through T.D. The man has never been married, has no kids, and aside from his balding, roly-poly type body, has always seemed to pull the wool as well as anyone I have ever known. He is what I call a serial dater, and his tales, which can be long winded, border on the absurd, and make me shake my head in total disbelief. He is also the best Frogger player I have ever known and, to steal a line from 40 Year Old Virgin, has more video games than a teenaged Asian kid.
So, T.D. calls me up with what he deems a “moral dilemma”. “Oohh, this ought to be a good one!” is what I’m thinking, since the man has no morals that I am aware of, yet somewhere in the deep recesses of his sub-cockles, some morals were jarred loose by some hottie he was trying to slay.
“Go ahead good sir. What’s is it?”, I said.
“Well, I was on a date with this blonde with (names every body part and prefaces it with “killer”…what a d-bag), and it was going really well, and we ended up back at her house. We were listening to music and laughing when out of the blue, she says, ‘you’re a guy so you’ll appreciate this. There have been times when I’ve gotten myself off while driving on back roads. Perfect timing, in my mind. Seclusion, vibrations…you know?’ and Matt, I tell you, for the first time, I was stumped as to what to say to her.”
My first thought was, “nice segue on her part.” I imagined them talking about the latest Guns N’ Roses release or the upcoming Holidays when she chimes in with the old, “I like to rub the nub in public” switcheroo.
My second thought was, “Well, did you get any?”
I told him to please tell me that he sealed the deal right then and there with a comment like, ‘I’ve jacked it twice already tonight to the mental image I have of your Facebook photos’. Or Phoebe Cates in a pool.
He did not, he said. He couldn’t seal the deal. They talked a little more and parted ways with a kiss and vowed that they had to see each other again…soon.
Poor guy got blue balls is what happened, but that’s not what is important here.
I have to know. Is a womans masturbatory preferences a good topic for a first date? I mean, as a man, if I were to go out with someone and break out the, “Hey, I think Vaseline is a little too gooey and too hard to clean up when I toss my schmack around. I prefer Eucerin when I am firing off knuckle children to pictures of Jamie Lynn Spears…”, that might come across as, well, “creepy”, right?
Whip it out in the car while driving? That’s what I call, “jail time with buttsechs”. So if a woman comes out and lays her prefrences on the table, is that a good thing?
I think it is, but…wait…I just answered my own question.
Disregard. Go and play with yourselves.
That’s fuckin’ teamwork.
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In my younger days, I used to bust it out while waiting in traffic.
I had no idea chicks did the same.
I didn’t either. Amazing. Maybe it’s the whole women wish they had a cock and balls theory?
I don’t think it’s necessarily first date sort of talk, but I don’t see anything wrong with talking about it. I masturbate all. the. time. So you know…
Do you have any sister’s just like you?
I do actually. A younger one. Except that she has a boyfriend.
Well, that won’t last. Chris, just tread water…time will provide an opportunity. But, you might want to bookmark a few porn sites for the wait.
Wait, I’m confused. Why does it have to be my sister?
On the first date?!
She made herself sound like an asshole. Just randomly bringing up masturbation is like talking about speeding in your car. “I went 90 the other day…look at me, I’m krazy with a K!”
If they were talking about sex and masturbating thats one thing. Peppering a conversation with open self indulgence is lame. Even if she does have a ‘killer’ vagina.
Meghan…you’re Krazy. It’s OK. I’m sure that my friend isn’t telling the whole tale. For all I know, he had it threaded out there breathing the night air when it came up (the topic, not his johnson). He’s done it before, in college, actually.
I think it’s OK. Certainly an ice breaker.
Okay, you really need to be smacked for this article, and HARD. Just because a female shares a personal titbit about her jilling off does NOT, I repeat does NOT, mean a guy can “seal the deal.”
It is not an admission she loves dick, but masturbating.
You ignant slut!
*crickets*
*cough*
Actually, I wouldn’t thread it out to seal the deal. I just know that T.D. at one point actually did…and it worked. I would expect nothing less from that slovenly, sloppy asshole.
Just whipping out that monster of yours and you’ve sealed the deal.
*Pulling down trousers*
“Well I didn’t know it was going to be this kind of party…”
This would be proper form on T.D.’s part, but he obviously didn’t get his name from reaching the end zone.
There is barely a date goes past when I do not talk about masturbation, or indeed carry out the act itself.
In fact, I am masturbating right now.
Are you on a date?
I kinda don’t see the relation between “I’ve masturbated in my car” and getting any deals sealed. But sure, why not talk about it? Maybe she sensed his sexual interest and didn’t think he’d mind a little bluntness. I’m all for it!
I DID THAT UNDER A BLANKET ONCE. THERE WERE PEOPLE IN THE CAR (MY EX EX BOYFRIEND AND HIS FRIEND) AND I BLOGGED ABOUT THAT…ARE YOU SAYING THAT IS ILLEGAL? MAYBE IN THE STATES, BUT NOT IN PERU.
I GUESS I’M THANKFUL FOR LIVING IN PERU AGAIN.
MASTURBATION LIVES!
wut
Great point. It doesn’t! So…
So what are you doing friday then Tori?
Masturbating.
Something tells me I really should’ve seen that one coming.
On the off hand, want some company?
Mind if I lend a hand, Tori? o_O