The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far…
Last night, the ex-wife and I had to partake in the time honored tradition of attending parent-teacher conferences. The time where we as parents get to see how our kids have measured up against the rest of the stupid douchebag brats they attend classes with.
I remember conferences when I was a kid. I only remember them because it was at conferences where my parents would catch wind to most of my smart-ass shenanigans would come to the surface without me there to defend myself, like that time I super-glued the teachers chair to the floor. Yeah…hehehe…not bad for a ten year old. And in the end I would get a stern lecture about how important school was and that I “shouldn’t be wasting my time screwing off and focus more on my homework” and that “I had a bad habit of being the class clown and not listening” or something like that…I don’t know. I wasn’t paying attention.
When it comes to parent-teacher conferences, what goes around comes around. I now have a fourth grader and a third grader and it was at conferences where I had to make sure I was paying attention like a good parent does.
Most people that know me know that I am a complete smartass with very little ability to focus on anything for anything longer than a minu…oohh there’s a shiny coin on the floor…and my colleagues at work, my ex-wife, my relatives, my friends, my ex-friends, the Craigslist hooker that goes by the name “Foxxy Trollop”, and my parents all know I am a complete smartass.
My kids’ teachers do not.
And I have to put on my game face every time I see them to make sure they understand that I am in the know and genuinely interested in how my kids are doing. And I really am interested in how they are doing, so I “ooh and aahh” at their art work and their math skills and whatever other stuff they do. I ask questions, I listen intently to my ex and the teacher babble on endlessly about something uninteresting, and so on and so forth.
Then it came time for my son’s teacher to talk about my son’s behavior in class.
Apparently, the kid is a “jokester with a great sense of humor and the ability to make the other kids laugh”. (Alright, kid!) “…but…he has a hard time of controlling that behavior in class and saving it for appropriate times.” Huh? What does that mean? Well, it means that he likes to make fart noises and annoying jokes and pull pranks in the middle of class, middle of lectures, middle of anything. Well, this will not stand with Daddy-Matt and Mommy Dearest. We need to make sure that he is there for the right reasons, and I assured my kids teacher that “funny behavior will no longer be tolerated in the middle of trying to divide fractions and figuring out story problems ever again. I can assure you that this smartaleck behavior will not stand and I know that both of us will be trying to rectify the issue.”
It was at this point that my cell phone went off. Yeah, stupid ass me left the ringer on. And for the life of me I couldn’t find the bastard and it just kept ringing. It happens to the best of us, right? Wrong. Because, the one that went off in the midst of my vow to make sure his behavior will get better and guide him was none other than a classic from CB4, and it sounded a little like this:
“Straight outta Locash…(Where is that thing?)…a crazy motherfucka named Gusto…(I can’t find I, hold on…) I’ll fuck your bitch but she’s a big ho…(Stupid phone…sorry about this…) I’ll fuck yo sister, I’ll fuck yo cat, I’ll fuck yo momma but the bitch is too fat…(Sorry there it is got it.)”
*Big grin* “We’ll work on it Mr. VanSchnigglemoppydungypoo.”
Did I mention that my kids go to a Christian school?
Yeah. I wonder where my kid gets the smartass gene from. And I won’t be able to look at that teacher, the principal or the Lord baby Jesus in the eye again.
At least it gets me out of conferences. Right, woman?
‘When you see me coming, you better dig a moat,
Cause I’m coming to slit your motherf*cking throat.’
I LOVE that movie.
It is an all time classic. I also have “Sweat From My Balls” on my phone.
trying going to the same elementary school were your mother taught at. when i got in trouble, i wasn’t told to go sit in the time out chair…i was told to go up the hallway and see my mom. this happen on a weekly basis.
Oohh…that would suck. I bet you couldn’t wait to graduate from that school. Then it was on!
f$%k yeah!! it was on like donkey kong in middle and high school.
In elementary school, which was also a private Christian school, I was in the principal’s office daily. Or so it seemed at the time. And back in my day??? Yeah, they gave swats. That paddle was smoothed and formed to my butt cheeks….
Now I’m a parent and I HATE parent teacher conferences. I feel like I’m putting on a show. I am interested in my children’s education, but cannot focus on a conference. Why can’t they just send an email home?
I had that same issue, my dad taught at my elementary school too, but I never really got in trouble, when I went to junior high he was parents association president and was in the school the majority of the time. I’d never know when he would show up and I’d do stupid things like sell firecrackers in school and stuff like that. Yeah not fun.
I’ve had the embarassing ringtones as well. My mom calls it “porn on the radio.”
I have a “Fat Bastard” one too. I’d rather have had that one go off, actually.
Bwahahahahahahahaha! NICE!!
I’m going to keep this in mind on the 24th, when I’m sitting in the tiny chair, across from The Boy’s kindergarten teacher, hearing about his inappropriate sense of humor. God love him, he can’t help it. My husband and I BOTH are exactly this kind of jackass, he never had a shot in hell. -And it is SO FUCKING awkward to pretend to be Betty Crocker at the school. Last night was the Chuck E. Cheese fuckraiser. I’m pretty sure the rat gave us disentary.
Charles E. Cheddars food is awful. If I can avoid that place, I do.
Get some funky ringtones and send me your contact info. I’ll make sure they go off at precisely the right time.
*snort* You’re a saint! Currently my phone plays porno music (circa 1978) when it rings. I’m looking for the perfect nasty, I’ll get back to ya.
I’m lickin’ your balls.
That might be the funniest line in the movie. “Yeah, yeah…I’m lickin’ yo balls.” I piss myself thinking about it. Or not.
It had to have been the funniest. It’s the only line I remember.
Nothing wrong with humor, more people should try one on for size=)
I wholeheartedly agree. But these people are really conservative, so I think they might full up and explode if anything really funny ever occurred.
I used to get into so much trouble in school for being a wise ass. I was a good kid, but I got straight As and seemed to think it bought me the right to be a complete jerk to some of my shitty (they were shitty) high school teachers.
My dad rescued me once. When the Teacher asked him “Mr. L, do you know why your daughter was kept after school.?” My dad fired back “Because she has a sense of humor and you make a better Prop than a teacher?”
You don’t get peaches from plum trees, Teach…meet my father!
I was a B student, so according to my parents, I didn’t have the right to be a smartass. I should quite screwing off and quit being an underachiever.
Look at me now! Still an underachiever AND a smartass.
What’s funny is the middle aged white man with that as his ring tone
Oh.My.God that is priceless
Oh, and power to the smartasses and underachievers. Life is better this way!