Is it wrong to laugh at a pissed off guy in a wheelchair?
The following is a true story inspired by actual events. No names have been changed to protect anybody. I am playing the part of “Asshole”.
This morning, I had one hell of a Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm moment, when something so outrageous happens and I am rattled by what I have just seen or heard and don’t know how to react.
My story involves a quadriplegic, and before you all ask yourselves if I am going to attack people with disabilities (”retards” according to Borat), rest assured, I will not. I try to uphold basic human decency when it comes to the mentally or physically challenged, therefore they are off limits.
Unless they call me an asshole. Twice.
My story.
I was dealing with sunny skies, mild temps, the lovely scent of freshly run over skunk was wafting through the morning breeze…outstanding for early November, quite frankly. I was driving down a busy downtown avenue, doing my usual 45 mph in a 25 zone on my way to my office, thinking that it would be a great day to skip work and hit the titty bar and call that “work”. I approached a green light at a busy intersection. No worries by me, “I’ll just cruise on through” was my thought. And as I was about 50 yards from the intersection, holy shit! off the curb saunters this guy:
I immediately have to slam on my brakes to make sure that this guy does not become my hood ornament. Coffee spill, my tie is shot, I look like I pissed myself and very well could have. But, what was I going to say to this guy? If it were anyone else walking on two legs, I would’ve shouted some brief obscenities, laid on my horn, exercised my metacarpals a bit and been on my way. But this guy was what he was, and I just stared at him like he had a hand growing out of his ass. The guy wasn’t very happy with me though, and he stopped right in the cross walk, looked at me and said, “WATCH WHAT YOU’RE DOING ASSHOLE!*” and he went on his way, continuing across the street at a blistering 2 mph.
I just sat there quietly baffled for a moment, slowly edging forward along the road, wondering if that dude really called me an asshole for not having him become a permanent fixture in my windshield.
He did. And I was speechless. Off I went.
I get to my office. My building is under some construction, so I make my way through the dust and the Doctoral thesis students working on the drywall there to the elevator, hit the ‘up’ button and wait. The bell dings, I get on the lift with one of my co-workers, push the number “5″ and the door starts to close. That’s when I hear, “hold the door”, and being the damn nice guy that I am, I hold it, and wouldn’t you know it, it’s my wheelchair buddy.
He motors onto the elevator, and it’s clear that he doesn’t recognize me, because the first words out of his mouth are, “Thanks. You wouldn’t believe some of the assholes* in this building”.
I looked at him and replied, “Oh, I know that. In fact, you called me one just a few minutes ago, don’t you recall?”.
“Are you the guy that almost ran me over on the sidewalk?” he asked.
“Sidewalk? Dude, you were in the middle of a downtown intersection crossing at the speed of humidity on my green light…and it’s my fault?” I retorted.
“Well, I’m disabled, I have the right of way.” he replied
“Whaaat? He..hehe…hahahahaha…*snort* HAHAHA…”
And I started laughing…and laughing pretty hard. I told him that “he looked like Joe Swanson’s wheelchair competitor in Family Guy” and that he needed to “relax”.
My co-worker was mortified. Good thing she has as sense of humor…and already knows that I have zero filter. Wheelchair guy wasn’t amused and called me out with, “Are you laughing at me? What kind of an asshole* laughs at a disabled person?”
This asshole does. I couldn’t stop laughing, because I was picturing him saying it in a monosyllabic computer-like tone, “Are…you…laughing…at…me”, and by the time he reached his floor, he was steaming pissed at me, and I heard him whisper under his breath as he exited the elevator, “what a fuckin’ asshole*.”
(*That’s 4 assholes for you keeping score.)
But, what do I say to that? Of course, I know that I AM an asshole. I’ve been called that so many times, I’m thinking of legally changing my name to “Captain Stinky Starfish Brown”. I almost purposely developed an immediate speech impediment so that I, too, could say that I was handicapped. Alas, I could come up with nothing more.
That’s my story. Is that wrong of me to do? I could call it what it really was…
The perfect start to a hell of a day. And I didn’t even need to go to the titty bar.
What would YOU say?
Good Lord, that was the most amazing thing I’ve heard all day!
-I think I can relate on a smaller scale. A few months ago I was strolling around my college, like a cool kid on campus, and this dude in a motor-scooter zooms by like his speed was set to “rabbit” or something, and I had to jump out of the way. Me, being the angry person I am, shouts “What The Fu.k”! Buddy didn’t like that I was almost roadkill and gave me the finger as he rolled down the hallway. I don’t understand, if we’re nice to the disabled, they get all pissy because we’re “pitying” them, yet they’re allowed to be total douchebags?
They are. Like this asshole said, he has the right of way. Why? He was in a speedy Gonzales Rascal moving at the speed of frozen shit rolling uphill, that’s why.
Next time, elbow him in the head.
“set to rabbit” ROFL
Ahhhaa.. The only encounter I’ve had with an asshole disabled person was once upon a time in middle school, I was in ISS [in school suspension], which is where I spent probably a total of 90% of my school days, and we had this sub-of-a-bitch teacher. She had to use a walker, and put those ridiculous cut tennis balls on the front legs so that she could “move more smoothly”.. well. Fuck that. She proceeded to so something that mad me and a fellow iss-er pretty pissed, [Couldn't tell you to this day what it actually was] so we super glued her tennis balls to the floor. Yeah, we were rebels. She couldn’t move for the rest of the day. We got suspended. But whatever, it was pretty funny then..
kinda lame now. Oh well. Thats my story.
You, Mallory, are an asshole. Congratulations! Good to meet another one of us, eh?
“…at a blistering 2 mph.” That made me crack right up!
I once lost it at a totally young and able bodied man who did the SAME THING. I was out my window yelling:
‘Thanks for getting out of my way dick shot! No really SLOW DOWN! You’re moving so fast there’s smoke coming off your fucking heels you idiot!…’
I was in a hurry and sometimes my mouth gets away from me!
Dick Shot? I’ll have to remember that one. So, you’re saying that you have the mouth of a sailor, eh? No way. That’s wicked awesome!
I think you should have stalked Mr. Disabled-Chip-on-his-Shoulder later that afternoon… and run him down. Just b’cuz.
I was once on a crowded public bus and offered my seat to this cute little old lady who got on. She didn’t hear me, so I gently touched her hand and repeated my offer. Psycho Grandma turned to me and screamed that I was a fucking bitch and to leave her the fuck alone. Everyone around me freaked… and then did that uncomfortable laugh thing… and she screamed and pointed “yeah, just laugh you fucking bitches! Fucking fuckers. Fuck.” as she shuffled off down the center isle of the bus.
So now, not only do I NOT offer my seat to anyone elderly. I stick my foot out and trip them as they walk past me, hoping they break a hip and thinking to myself “yeah take that, you fucking fucker.”
I should have walked in front of him and meander ever so slowly so he couldn’t pass me and act like I couldn’t hear. That’s assuming he didn’t know who I was of course. Next time for sure.
Some jerks need to be laughed at. It builds character.
Great words to live by.
>_< oh man i cant stop laughing.
I finally did, but it was hard to stop in front of the guy.
<blockquote cite=”My story involves a quadriplegic, and before you all ask yourselves if I am going to attack people with disabilities (”retards” according to Borat), rest assured, I will not. I try to uphold basic human decency when it comes to the mentally or physically challenged, therefore they are off limits.”
Why? Us cripples are no different. Why should we be off limits? Well, I could see leaving actual retards alone, but non-retard cripples should not be off limits, asshole.
Noted. Going forward, I am an equal opportunity retard basher.
ok ive got a “special person”story for you, and really almost the same situation….but eh you can be the judge
about a year ago, i was living in my hometown in nebraska pop-6,000. and i know that there are some people in this town with a few screws loose. and i really dont know what disabilities a person needs to have an electric scooter….but from what ive seen on tv and in wal-mart i know that old people are too weak to roll a standard wheelchair, and well fat people are lazy.
anyway im driving down a “busy street”(by that i mean it has 2 stop lights. and i see someone driving one of those electric scooters in the oncoming left turn lane start to make a turn when im about half a block away from the intersection……luckily for me the speed limit is 25 and stoping isnt that bad of an issue….
but what i see being pulled by the electric scooter….this middle aged, overweight woman was driving and pulling a wagon(really similar to the red flyer type but larger) with a plywood platform on top of which was an equaly fat man in a lawn chair….and i stoped and just had one of those moments like WTF.
Holy shit! Where is the picture of that one? That is hilarious, Gail. Probably funnier looking than my tale.
damn, i never carry a camera. and it always bites me in the ass!
Not a cripple story, but a “jerkoff in the crosswalk story.”
Driving through the mall parking lot at my shitty mall job about 12-13 years ago, and as I’m pulling near some shitty store, I notice two people (husband and wife) crossing at the sign. Bear in mind I’m a solid 100-150 feet from the crosswalk and slowing down from my cruising speed of 20 to 0. All of a sudden the guy pushes his wife out of the crosswalk (impending danger at 100 feet), waits the 5-6 seconds before I stop, and proceeds to start screaming at me for a good 20 seconds. Until I put it in park and revved the engine. He moved after that.
Some people just luuuurv to find drama in their mundane every day. I’d bet cash that the jerkoff spent his day telling his loser friends how he “saved” his wife from eminent automotive danger, stood strong in the face of adversity and let you have it. And I’m sure they had crazy you’re-my-hero sex later. Which is just gross.
I’ll second this. Especially if the couple was old, then the hero sex is just what you say it is…gross. Wrinkly gross.
If you are ever in an elevator with a douchebag in a wheel chair again I think you should bend over in front of him and push out some nasty gas right in his face. I mean really what is he gonna do? Stand up and move to the other side of the elevator? (Just make sure it is just the two of you in there)
What makes you think I hold my gas in any other time?
I was staying at a hotel here for a few nights not that long ago, at breakfast we noticed there was a disabled lady at the table next to us. Well, she was the most foul mouthed bitch I’ve ever met. She was cussing her husband because her food wasn’t perfect, and when I politely (you know that was a struggle for me) asked her to tone it down because there were children around, she blast me.
Oh what restraint it took not to shove her down the restaurant ramp which conveniently pointed towards the swimming pool……
We say her several other times during our stay, and she was always cursing someone.
Assholes can be disabled too.
I’m seriously thinking about seeking more of these stories out. Might make a good shitter-reading book, in the handicapped stall, of course.
I, too, laughed at a disabled man last week. I was visiting my grandpa in the physical therapy hospital, and as I got onto the elevator, I turned around and there was a guy in a wheelchair right there wearing a T-shirt that read “That’s How I Roll.” I fucking lost it.
HAHA! That would make me laugh as well. Gotta appreciate a good sense of humor in light of a shitty situation.
I would have prolly ran him over if I was in a berry mood;p
Even if you weren’t in a berry mood you would have. Just a hunch.
I ACTUALLY SAW THE EPISODE OF FAMILY GUY AND KEPT FEELING GUILTY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, ESPECIALLY WHEN HE “BEATS” HER AND “MAKE-UP SEX.”
BUT THEN AGAIN I’M THE TWISTED ONE HERE…AND SO ARE YOU, MY DEAR.
That was a funny episode. That guy is hilarious and I am a sick mf’er. Boom-shakalaka-boom.
Bwahahahahahaha! No, just like any moron who would claim he had the right of way when CLEARLY he did not, this jackass deserved to be laughed at. Asshole;)
I wouldn’t have been able to picture anything but the wheelchair guy from Family Guy, either. LOL