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An example of a kick ass Match.com profile

By: Bobby Finstock on 11/6/08 @ 8:25 am

(Knowing that I am not moving to NYC for months and being totally bored out of my mind. I decided to rejoin match.com to chum the waters and see what the hell is out there. We will call this my social experiment part II. I wanted to share my profile, which is pretty much like my about me section but a little different. Here is what my profile is….)

Here is where I am supposed to describe myself so total strangers can evaluate and judge me. I believe we are the summation of our stuff, our tastes, and our knowledge, now having said that I want you to know that I know all the lyrics to “The Humpty Dance” by the Digital Underground. (And I didn’t realize that Shock G and Humpty were the same person until like three years ago. This was the most outdated pop culture reference ever. Sorry.)

I would like to think that I am not a very complicated person but after reflecting on what to write here I have discovered that I am a train wreck. Damn these profiles! Instead of sitting here and writing a really long and boring story about my life I decided to just give you a bunch of random facts about me:

-I can’t snap or whistle but I can blow a mean double bubble.
-I can roll my tongue but can’t cross my eyes but I wish it were the other way around.
-My sister and I were born on the same day three years apart, which I still think is the worst birthday present I ever received.
-I have scored a basket in basketball, a goal in both hockey and soccer but have never hit a home run in baseball during a game (bar league softball does not count) but I was hit twice in the thigh in the same game. I think that is personally more impressive because what are the odds of that? It did land me in the sports section of the paper.
-I started out going to college at the second largest concrete structure in the world (the pentagon is first and SUNY Albany is second, if that doesn’t turn you on well you are out of luck)
-Reading the Snapple fact of the day from the cap of a bottle of Snapple makes me happy.
-I can nail just about any movie quote. Proving once and for all that I know everything about nothing.
-One time I tried out for Jeopardy and doing so actually proved that I don’t know everything about nothing so ignore that last statement.
-There is nothing better when your girlfriend leaves your apartment but it still smells like her (note: I am talking about general odor not well…um you know)
-I think I am solid poker player or at least I like to think I am
-One time I fell down a flight of stairs in the middle of a lecture center while coming in late to a class in college.
-I am a good DJ but I have NO other musical talent, and not even spinning. I can just change cds with a good music selection. So after further thought, I guess I don’t have any musical talent
-I think “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” was horrible. Seriously it was not funny. Furthermore, “Lost in Translation” was grossly overrated. There I said it. I did not like Lost in Translation all that much. I would also like to point out that the works of JRR Tolkien are vastly overvalued.
-Parents and animals love me it’s their daughters/owners that are the issue
-I think MTV is really the downfall of American youth culture, bad music has been pushed on people to a level that is unheard of even surpassing the disco era …… but I can’t stop watching “The Hills”. (Kidding I don’t watch The Hills… no really.)
-Fox News is evil
-Question: why do people write checks in the fast lane at the supermarket? I hate that.
-I hate the smell of theme park water
-I have an irrational hatred of Paris Hilton, JJ Reddick, small dogs, and Wilmer Valderrama

Actually in all seriousness I am a driven guy with lots of good things going on in his life. I have been told over and over that I am a “keeper” but I haven’t found someone that I have felt worth sharing my life with. While I am funny and kind of a smart ass I still have goals, which I have worked really hard to achieve and will continue to do so. I hope to find someone that I have chemistry with and that wants to share in my life or that wants to dress me up as a cop and have me “arrest her”. (Either one works for me.)

If any of this interests you or want to learn more, drop me a message. (I can’t believe you actually read that entire thing.)

Results so far: In one day I received 12 messages. Apparently women like photos with guys replacing picture of their ex girlfriends with a giant blob.

Tomorrow: How to pick up a stripper without even trying and then wait too long to call her because you pussied out.

Have you ever joined an internet dating site?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

25 Responses to “An example of a kick ass Match.com profile”

  1. JT says:

    If that profile doens’t find you a winner, then I’m at a loss.

  2. Fiona says:

    No, I have never joined an internet dating site. All the Bajans that join those sites are poon-hounds looking for imported meat. *shudder* Or prostitutes.

    Yup, that’s dating gold right there, good luck.

  3. Mallory says:

    I did once upon a time, till I saw this (seriously) 450 lb guy that lived on my street on the same site.. I realized MAYBE I wasn’t the ‘online’ dating type.

    But good luck Kevin, you’re going to be knee deep in hoes, I know it. If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll get a kinky stalker or something.

  4. I will follow up with my own blog about how I don’t think anyone on Match or Yahoo Personals even exists. If they do, it is only at a 10% rate. 90% of the people are made up. It has to be fact.

    I threw two no-hitters in High School, will that get me some puss?

  5. PsYcHo BiTcH says:


  6. clientsideshow bob says:

    Great profile, but what is there left to say on your first awkward date outside a Krispy Kreme (so it’s in public, don’t you know)? Maybe that’s when you break out the scary mole on a stripper story.

    And why didn’t you use your favorite basement dweller pic in your profile? Surely you’d be the reverse of all other site dwellers, someone who is actually better looking in person!

  7. Em Em says:

    You tried out for Jeopardy? Did you memorize things that start with the letter Q?

    • Nice white men can’t jump reference…. and no I did not… I actually blogged about it like in my first year… I don’t even know if the post in on here.

  8. Meghan says:

    That’s a great profile, your readers wouldn’t kick you out of bed.
    I think at the bottom of your seemingly honest bio you should add that part about how you know how to pick up a stripper. See what that does for the reply count.

  9. Marcie says:

    lol im wondering if this was a re-post I almost think you wrote this or something simular before. either way good luck! ;)

  10. Isha says:

    So basically you put everything that was on your myspace page….am I right??

    I’m almost tempted to move back to NY when you get there, just so I can ask you on a date….

  11. Serenity says:

    That is a kick ass profile! I’m personally on Match.com and I’m soooooo tired of reading the same regurgitated crap about “walking in the rain, love to give back rubs, no drama” bullshit. Give me something original to read and I’ll at least wink at you.

  12. Stephanie says:

    How the heck do you hate the smell of theme park water? Is something wrong with you?

  13. patrick says:

    damn after reading this, I think i would hit it and iam not gay

  14. Selena says:

    If I wasn’t married with a child, another one on the way and on the other side of the US then I’d totally want to date you! :0) This profile is a WINNER!

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