One Last Halloween Wrap Up: Things I Hate

I have to get this off my chest as a final wrap on the pagan holiday known as Halloween. I realize that this is probably old news, but, hey, it was over a weekend and I had shit to do.

I’ve always been a fan of the Halloween fanfare. I think back when I was a kid and the idea of running around from door to door dressed as something other than the good Catholic School boy I was, eating cheap candy with possible razor blades inside sounded appealing.

Of course, as I got older, like, say college, I ditched the trick or treating piece and settled for hitting parties and dressing up as something clever, all the while paying close attention to the closet whores becoming inebriated on Zima and wine coolers who were dressed up as something I wanted to put my johnson inside of. Standard fare.

Now that I am older yet, with a modicum of maturity, I enjoy Halloween if only to recognize others’ creativity and have an excuse to go to a party.

But, let’s face it, Halloween is for the kids. And that is essentially the way it should be. It’s about them going out, dressing up, begging for tooth rotting crap and subsequently getting hopped up on enough sugar to turn a Rhino into a diabetic, or bring down that dude from the View, Joy Behar.

But, this past weekend, I witnessed some of the things that piss me off about Halloween. Things that I’m sure most people would take issue with. See if you agree.

1). If you are a full fledged teenager, have a deeper voice than I do or are taller than me (I’m six-one), you have no business trick or treating.

In my neighborhood growing up, if you were in High School and out going door to door for any reason other than selling crap, you were considered a tool with a standing reservation on the helmet-required short yellow bus. Of course, as I was out with my five year old, her neighbor friend who is also five and his father, we ran into a group of teenage boys that were clearly too old to be doing this. It wouldn’t have been so bad if they weren’t more obnoxious than Tina Fey’s increasingly old Sarah Palin impersonation, and that is obnoxious. I say obnoxious as in they were going well out their way to act “cool”, knocking over kids to get to doors, disrespecting homeowners, just acting like no-pussy getting rejects late for their time with Dungeons and Dragons. I think you all picture what I mean.  In fact, if I weren’t with my five year old, or if she had been in the path of these rejects, I would have done something to them. Like jam an air horn up one of their asses and hit them with my car rendering them as my siren/warning of who not to become. Who am I kidding. I am all talk. Still. Knock it off , assholes.

2). No propaganda literature of any kind should be passed out. Yes, it is an election year. Yes people have their opinions both politically and religiously. Kids’ Halloween candy bags is not the place to spew your bullshit

Fact. My kid received in her bag a pamphlet that stated that “Halloween is evil” and “do you want to be a child of God?” Not candy, gum, pennies, a pencil, or other stuff that is immediate grounds for retaliation. but “Jesus Is Lord” palaver. No joke. That’s worse. In my ‘hood, that was grounds for taking a monster shit on their front porch, kicking their dog and impregnating their teenage daughter. Look. If you have a problem with Halloween, turn your light off, go to dinner or go to church, but don’t be a Bobby Bummer and try to give my kid a religion lesson. Do it and I’ll be on your porch Christmas morning wearing horns and a tail carrying a trident babbling endlessly about Beezlebub’s call to do his handiwork, while pissing on your Nativity scene. Remember, I know where you live.

That was about it. Halloween other than those two scenarios was pretty cool. I loved seeing my kids dressed up, wear their chocolaty smiles that their dentists will love all the while making my fat ass walk two and a half miles.

I just need to remember to bring travelers in the form of beer for next year is all.