Life lessons for the ‘youts’ of America (but, really for boys only)

In light of my son’s 10th birthday last weekend, I was thinking there is going to be a day where he is going to come up with some situations where, as nice as it may be to be very vague and use all those “I learned everything I know in fucking kindergarten” deals, I won’t be able to.

Expansion into real life lessons will need to be had. Lessons in dealing with the opposite sex for the most part. Because the other life lessons you can learn through trial and error, like “make sure to have good credit”, “don’t sleep on the job” and “the strippers never really like you”.

These will not apply to my daughters because in all honesty my intent is to defer all female type questions (i.e. He told me he loved me…sob! and Why am I bleeding from there?) to my ex wife, or “mom” who could give some crazy insight into us creepy folk with penises.

So, the conversations I intend to have with him, and any young male that wants to know will sound an awful lot like the following. And they are true pearls, people, lessons learned the hard way…from the school of “I Just Got Screwed…But Not Literally”.

You might want to write this down.

Never Dip Your Pen in the Company Ink

Here is a DVD called Disclosure. Watch it.

In this heightened environment of sexual harassment and other unsavory behavior, I’d like to motion to stay the hell away from any and all coworkers when it comes to romantic/sexual involvement. Because only one of two things an happen…and they’re both bad. You could a). end up in a long term relationship with the woman, making the office a place where your dirty laundry and perceived inability to get a woody while drinking Hot Damn will be prominently aired, regardless of how “hush-hush” that relationship is. Women talk amongst themselves…a lot. If you think that it won’t get out…it will.

Or…

b). You’ll break up and the dirty circumstances will come out full bore with highly elaborate details of which 40% might be actually true. The work environment will be hell and you’ll eventually get fired for screwing the bosses secretary. Either that or you’ll have a harassment lawsuit on your ass faster than Mama Cass engulfing a Ham Sandwich.

Never Get In an Argument with a Drunk Chick

You know what? Never get in an argument with a woman period. Its that drunk chicks are much worse. More fun to antagonize, which is a small victory in and of itself, but bad overall. Women travel in packs of like 4 to10, and should you try and argue/fight with a drunk one, you’ll have the other satellites all over you in any way possible, emasculating you and making you feel like you’ve been hit by a Mack truck whether you are right or not. So, remember, as a guy, you cannot win. Ever.

Should you get into an argument with one you know, worse yet, are dating/sleeping with…I urge you to purposely lose. Even if you are right and Einstein himself comes out of the grave to tell you so. Just lose. Why? Well, arguing and losing means you only have to worry about jerking off in the bathroom with the JC Penney’s catalog and baby oil for one, maybe two nights. Try to win and actually pull it off? It’s at least a month. Is that shot worth it? Not a chance in hell. Your choice, kiddo.

There will be a day where you’ll have to be a “wingman”. Deal with it and lose your high expectations.

Yes, it’ll happen. You and a buddy or two will go out trolling for Red Snapper and your friend will land Miss Perfect…for Tonight. And, like I said, those women travel in packs, which means that you’ll have to divert the attention of said clique ladies in order to allow your friend optimum time in the field laying his game.

Now, in most cases, the friends you’ll be attending to are, how shall I say it politically correct…gnarly. Not the type you’d ever go for yourself. Maybe she has a wandering eye, a bigger gut than Michael Moore, sores on her mouth, a goiter the size of Rhode Island…whatever. You lost the initial race to the prize, now the age old “guy code” dictates you must, by law, help him out. Because her friends are going to cock block the living shit out of your buddy and if you want to earn the respect of him down the road, you need to do this. The plus side dictates that a) you might get lucky yourself. Nothing you’d ever want published, perhaps, unless you are indiscriminatory, then cool. and b). what goes around comes around. Or as my old boss once said, “give, give, give…come back!?” It always does. Karma, son. A lesson for another day.

That’s all for today’s lesson, kid. There is plenty more lessons where those came from, but I am out of time and I can’t be giving away free advice all damn day. I’m busy. Get me a beer.