The Fine Art of Stripper Names
In light of my esteemed colleague Bobby Finstock’s recent trip to one of New York’s finest gentleman’s clubs (see: The Chlamydia Corner), his being called out by a melanoma-encrusted, foul-mouthed bitter import stripper and his subsequent rain making in that NYC strip joint, I must follow suit with a topic I’ve often wondered about.
When my ex-wife and I were expecting our first born child some ten odd years ago, we did what all new parents would do. Other than buying that What to Expect When You’re Expecting book (Month three: You’ll be shitting, pissing and puking at the same time! Enjoy!) we had to go through the time honored tradition of picking out potential names for the kid.
So, we bought that Everything Baby Names book because we were clearly clueless as to what our child should spend the rest of their lives as.
Flash forward. I was having a conversation the other day with a friend of mine and the topic of stripper names came up. Did you ever wonder how a stripper gets her stage name? There is no book Everything Stripper Names, so how do they get them? Now, I don’t frequent strip joints anywhere near as much as I used to (or should), but I have partaken in enough slobber inducing, crunched up dollar bill extravaganzas over many years to figure out the whole name game thing.
And I highly recommend, for you ladies, to adopt a stripper name, because, economic times are really crappy right now, our taxes are about to go through the fargin’ roof and you never know when times are going to get rough and you’re gonna have to “flash the patch” to make ends meet. You might as well be prepared.
Have you ever noticed that each and every strip club in the world has an entertainer…errr…stripper named Destiny? Original or rare stripper names are uncommon. I mean, you would never hear the DJ clamor, “Put your hands together for the beautiful and luscious…Madge?” And since all strip joint DJ’s do their mandatory training at “Whiskey Pete’s School for Strip Joint Technology” (aka Whiskey Pete Tech…Home of the Raspberry Berets), they’re voices all sound the exact same, so you’ll more than likely hear something like, “Everyonemakesomenoisefor…Diamond…”
No, what you’ll hear are names like Savannah, Candy, Cherry, Roxy, Tiffany, Brandy, Lexus, Cinnamon, Angel and Anastasia.
You will not hear names like Maria, Murphy, Nancy, Regina, Wendy, Ada or Claire (a fat girls name, or a family name).
Nor will you hear such time honored classics such as Sharquita, Vshati, Sheniqua, Tekila or whatever alphabet soup some African Americans throw together for names. No offense.
So, it’s open for debate. Check it out for yourselves. I challenge you, for only the low, low cost of $20 to get in, (plus $7 per Coke and don’t forget the Red Light dance specials…only $20!), to see how many of these names are actually put into play. I’ll bet you’ll see a few, and if you clear out your bank account and play your cards just right, you just might see them all!
And if you don’t see one girl with one of these names, then I’ll personally climb the stripper pole to Prince’s Sexy Mother Fucker (THE stripper anthem) in an American flag Speedo and mesh t-shirt. How’s that one for imagery?
But that won’t happen, thanks to Destiny.
Any other cool stripper names I missed? And with those new dollar coins that are being hyped all over, where will strippers hide those, since they don’t have a ‘coin purse’ (hehehe…) and would the term be changed to “making it hail”?
Stewie says it’s time for a sexy party!
The scary part is I am sure you have an American flag speedo. As for the rest of it I will have to take your world for it as ihave never been to strip club. Well there was this one time in New Orleans…..
I imagine all of your strip clubs down there all resemble Porky’s. At least that’s what I like to believe.
Yeah with trap doors and everything.
Awesome. Is Alex Karras your Sheriff too?
i thought the rule for stripper names was the name of your first pet, and the street you grew up on?
Me, i’m Katie Church
That would make me Trixie Center. That is a good one!
I’d be Sugar Bear 3rd. Or Amelie Maple. Or Mynxi 168th NE.
Peaches Indiana
yum. peaches
Rebel 51st ?
that’s terrible
The mom’s in my neighborhood must have have high hopes for their daughters…
we have Alexis, Savanah, and Deja!
As in “Deja Vu”? Who the hell names their kid Deja? Seriously. What an asshole.
I need to tell you the song running through my head right now…
Bloodhound Gang…Lapdance song! It will make you smile.
I’d be Buddy Hollow.
Kinda creepy actually. I should probably leave the stripping up to Candy.
Buddy Hollow would be a great Gay Strippers name.
Chip N’ Dales in my future?
No, change it to Log Johnson and you’ll be fine then.
*sigh* my daughter has a stripper name thanks to her stupid father. That’s why I call her Mouse.
Offline, tell me what it is. I promise not to laugh (too hard).
Fek no. The poor kid will suffer enough anyway.
Ooooo Madge is gonna be MAD at you! Now she’s going to post blogs for a month about how Michigan men suck. Hahaha
Ummmm I would think you might see a Nancy. She would probably start out in a librarian costume, but soon you could figure out that her “last name” is Domiass, Nancy Domiass.
I think even she would admit that her name wouldn’t be the best stripper name. I think. I hope. Either that or I’ll end up cowering in the corner…again.
I like your take on Nancy, though. Never thought about that name that way.
I’m thinking ‘Cookie’, ‘Lacey’, ‘Ginger’, ‘Daisy’, ‘Sierra’ and
‘Sometimes Y’ - that’s the ugly stripper whose name is not worth remembering.
The one with the fried egg boobs and the missing teeth? Sometimes-Y. I’ll have to remember to forget her.
The whole time I was in England and kept getting single coins back as change, I would wonder how strippers dealt with it. Well, I found out they have a cup and you drop the pounds in when they do something nice. If they do something really nice, you suck it up and tuck five quid in their garter.
All I heard in my head while reading this was those guys from “The Full Monty”.
Well then, that’s just sad. I thought we were talking about boobs here.
The guys from the Full Monty DID have boobs…..
You’re not right.
I have a stripper name already, and I must say, you were the cheapest bastard I ever danced for;0
Because I paid in Canadian dollars?
One of my ex-bfs who frequented the titty bars when he was younger with his brother told me some of the most awful stories about those places. I also had a friend of mine who quit her job as a computer programmer to strip (she got lazy), and some of the things SHE told me blew my mind too.
The story that I remember most that I heard from the ex was some chick spreading her legs, and taking the dollar bill with her vagina lips. Eeeeew! Do you realize how filthy money is? Coated in germs and fecal matter and piss and jisms and and and…I could never strip, it’d turn me gay and against dick.
But if I did, my name would probably be Honeysuckle.
But, on the flip side to that, do you know how dirty a strippers vagina is? Dollar bills aint nothing for those cavernous things.
No, no I don’t. How dirty are they?
Heh.
Toxic. But usually one is so drunk they don’t even notice. So I’ve heard
Ethel.
Yikes.
I was at a strip club about a year ago and the DJ introduced the next stripper as Autumn Sky…I was mortified.
I’m not worried about my daughters, though…they don’t exactly have stripper physiques. They’ll have to use their brains to make money (like their momma).
I’ve seen strippers without stripper physiques. A crime, I tell ya, a crime.
Pets name and Street name? I’d be Midnight Hunter… I guess I could wear like a panther outfit or something…
I HATE crystal chandalier, and candy cane, and champaigne, why not be slut #1, Ho #4, Whore #3, Crackwhore #35, and sucks dick for money behind the sip and strut… #1,234
I’m Biff Malibu.
Best. Porn name. Ever.
mine is Rusty Nail.
I think the direct quote, “Anti wrinkle cream there is, anti fat bastard cream there is none.”
Moobs.