Oct

The top 5 songs I sing along to that might classify me as gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that)

By: Matt E. Warren on 10/28/08 @ 6:25 am

Look. I’m relatively new here. A lot of people have made the jump over with me and know me, but I’ll go out on a limb and say that the vast majority of the people reading this site wouldn’t be able to identify me or my writing style if I were to tape my blogs to my crank and thump ‘em in the head with it.

So you newbies know, I am an equal opportunity insulter. I pick on everybody in every category, and I do so because nobody is perfect. Not even me.

And I am the first to tell you that I pick on my shortcomings more often than a high class stripper gets a Visa card swiped in her ass crack (I assume that happens a lot, right?)

So, here I am. I am going to pick on myself, and expose my potential for being ridiculed as a fairy and why? To show you people that yes, Matt E. Warren is normal and perfectly capable of looking like an idiot and giving off the perception that I like Sex and the City or Grey’s Anatomy.

Do you ever have a time while in your car, or in your shower, or at a strip club, where a song comes over the speakers and you just love it and have to sing along? Don’t lie, it happens to everybody. To some it might be Tiny Tim’s Tip Toe Through The Tulips, and to others it might be Gwar’s Pre-Skool Prostitute, regardless of what it is, we sit there and we belt out the lyrics as if we are on stage at Madison Square Garden, yelling into the rear view mirror while drivers in other cars look at you like you have an arm growing out of your ass.

I do it all the time. I am a perfect candidate for that show “Motormouth”, where hidden cameras are inserted in a person’s car and filmed making a complete furry crotch of themselves.

Without further ado, I give you my top five list of songs that when I hear them on the radio, I sing along…and singing along to these songs might, in most people’s eyes, qualify me as someones Judy (insert “not necessarily a bad thing” disclaimer here).

1. Andy Gibb - I Just Want to Be Your Everything

“Aaaaahhhh…I”…don’t know what it is about this tune, but it brings out that attempt at being a “balls yet to descend” soprano. It might be my secret love of all things Bee Gee’s, and you could probably categorize all Bee Gee’s tunes in this one. I don’t know quite why I like it, maybe it is because I dream of singing it to the perfect woman who afterward decides to ride me like the Elevated Train in Chicago. In reality, if I sang this to a woman, she’d laugh so hard she might piss herself and not care.

2. Jesse McCartney - Beautful Soul

Most pop star ass clowns that pander to the pre-teen, early teenage girl crowd immedaitely draw the ire of me, and it has been that way since as long as I could remember, which starts right around the time of New Kids On The Block. But, for some reason, Jesse McCartney got me with this one, and I had to hear it ad nauseum due to my two daughters. Again, if I were to sing it to someone via “kara-jok-ee” machine, it would elicit such responses as, “You’re a fag!” and “Nice panties, nancy boy!” which I would ignore (not hear) and immedately jump into a rousing flaming rendition of…

3. R.E.M. - Shiny Happy People

You know what? Insert your own gay joke here. I got nothing to defend this damn thing. It’s the gay communities national anthem.

4. George Michael - One More Try

Which way do I go with this one? Do I go with the “public toilet in Los Angeles butt sex” blast or the “Man, I wish I had pink short-shorts and a ‘Choose Life’ baggy t-shirt” crack? Or maybe the “I’m so coked up I just hit a traffic billboard” slap.

Nope, I’m gonna take the high road with this one, and say that I used to think of my Junior High girlfriend, but, now all I can think of is how he used to get it on with Brooke Shields and now that she is in those Volkswagen commercials looking f-i-n-e, fine, I have to have a shot at her, I mean, GM is gay and he hit that! Actually, my thinking Brooke is hot makes me not gay, right?

5. Diana Ross - I’m Coming Out

I hear this now and think of Notorious BIG and Mase and Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems, but the original with that guitar riff make sme want to put on a big nappy wig, start doing drugs and acting like a fucking nutjob. Or sing along like the bitch that I am. Whatever.

There you have it. My Nancy-boy ass just came out of the sing-along closet hairless and beaming with rainbow colored pride. Don’t get me wrong, I still love the ladies, I plan on visiting Whore Island soon, and I’ll even break out the Sex Panther (by Odeon) for special occassions, too. But…can I really defend my position here? Bah!

I’m off to blast Metallica’s And Justice For All… and read Hustler while eating chili and farting…I hear that boosts testosterone…

Did I miss any songs? List them here.