High School Musical Kids and One Bleached Bunger
Hey! In case you haven’t noticed, and you’d have to be knocked out on a gallon of chloroform not to, my favorite production company, the Disney Channel Original Movie company, has released yet another of what I would deem a “Theatrical Masterpiece” and named it High School Musical Three!
Holy shit! I just cream of wheated my pants. And yes, wheated is now a verb.
Now, when it comes to this HSM 3 smudge of excrement, my daughters are fired up. Of course, they are young kids, born into a generation of the Disney machine, where from birth they are bred to identify certain characters and shows and throw tantrums relentlessly for their parents to purchase Chinese made overpriced crapola. And to them HSM #3 is like, so awesome, and they HAVE to see it and if they don’t they’ll DIE! I’ll let their mother take them, because I would rather open my stinky starfish and sit on a Magic 8-Ball than sit through this two hour bit of douchebaggery.
But that does not mean that I don’t have an opinion on this movie. How can I not? I mean, Disney has sunk a few million dollars in this stupid ass thing, it’s freaking everywhere, there’s no escape. I mean, they have made billions of dollars off of this franchise, all the while paying their child slaves…errr…actors nothing. And since it is abundantly clear to anyone who has followed anything on TMZ, People magazine, Us Weekly, even on here, Disney stars of franchise hits clearly move on in their careers to become upstanding, Oscar caliber actors (see: Lohan, Lindsay and Spears, Britney). These main four characters of this flaming turd will be no different than them. Here’s how I see them and their careers progressing after this butt plug of a movie.
I’ll make it easy for you, because time is of the essence here.
After HSM 3…
Vanessa Hudgens will be in cheap porno. Miss Hudgens has already found her way nude in front of a camera at the ripe old age of 17. This couldn’t be any easier.
Her career will fade about 18 months after this movie releases. She’ll have a few run ins with the law for running over a pack of Girl Scouts while selling Thin Mints because she thinks they contain cocaine. She’ll do all of this under the influence of crystal meth, then she will run out of money after that…and after her fat fuck sister eats through it on a diet of Ho-Ho’s and Cici’s Pizza Buffet. She will be lying on her back on a dirty mattress in a Van Nuys back yard with track marks and a coke mustache by the time she’s 22.
Her book confessing her return to Christianity after “falling into the Abyss” will be released by the time she is 26.
She’ll be back in porn by 27.
Zac Efron
Zac will star in a movie about a young baseball player with a problem of wearing garters on the outside of his uniform, amongst some other cheesy, campy movies directed by Ashton Kutcher, whose own career will be falling earthbound (or has it already?). After a few years of on and off again romances with a few c-list actresses, he will come out of the closet as the “catcher” in his relationship with Shia Lebouf.
Teenage girls everywhere will immediately pop their own cherries with a pool cue…and life will go on.
“Chicken” Corbin Bleu
Corbin will go on to model for a few underwear manufacturers, yet will end up resigning in disgrace after a controversy for being caught on camera singing Barbra Streisand songs while his neighbors pet Chihuahua licks peanut butter off of his freshly bleached butthole (courtesy of Efron) and his love of killing prostitutes that look like Laura San Giacomo, because in his mind “lesbians must die”.
And finally…
Ashley Tisdale.
I like Ashley Tisdale. There is something about her that makes me want to buy a cheap bottle of wine, get all messed up and try and seduce her via fan mail. Unfortunately, I am not alone in my young chick fantasy and someone, in an attempt to get her attention, will shoot John Mayer on the streets of Seattle “to show her how big of a wang” he, the killer, has. That stunt will fail miserably, however, as the nation, instead of feeling saddened by the loss of Mayer, will wonder what took so long for someone to finally do it. Tisdale will end up in some movies, nothing major and all because of her nose job, will fade into oblivion like it did her post nose-job career ending partner, Jennifer Grey. Sadly, HSM 3 is to Tisdale what Dirty Dancing is to Grey. Boo-hoo.
There you have it. Oh, the plot of the movie? There is dancing, singing, not one bit of sexual contact despite the trampy clothing because, in Disney’s World, dancing like a retard is the end all be all and nobody has sexual organs or impure sexual thoughts…ever. (Have you ever wonder why Donald Duck never wore pants, but always wore a towel after getting out of the shower?)
Clack. That’s a wrap.
Now, we can focus on better things. Like should I or should I not go to my Halloween party as a box of Franzia wine, with the “tap” where my penis goes?
Who are these people? Yeah I live in a cave.
I say go as the box of cheap wine just becareful that Otis does want a drink
“These” people are freaking everywhere and probably more recognized amongst 8-22 year-olds than our current Presidential candidates.
And as for the costume, no males can come near the tap, only females.
See that is why I dont know them. I am old.
Thankfully my duaghter is too caught up in Ben Ten and the disney cartoons to care about HSM.
EW. That’s my review;)
If you DON’t go as a box of wine, I’ll be very disappointed in you!!!
The general sentiment is that I have to go as the box of wine. And what is so nasty about that blog? It was the Jennifer Grey reference, wasn’t it?
Sadly, HSM has touched my home and possessed my 6 yr old daughter. Do you know of any cure?
Take her to a real High School, preferably in an inner city and leave her there for an hour or so. If that won’t shock the HSM shit out of her system nothing will.
Is it allowed to use the words high school kid and poop chute in the same sentence?;)
Heh. Probably not. But I find it better than using thw word “butthole”.
I’m going to have to watch this next weekend. I would rather make sweet sweet love to Palin quite honestly. *sigh*
Now that is hot, dontcha know?
I forsee a “High School Musical: The College Years” TV show coming in a few years where somehow Screech will sneak his way in.
I was thinking both Screech AND Sherman from the American Pie classics returns. Don’t forget Mr. Belding.
You should definately go as the box of wine. You could also be a breathalyzer and ask folks to blow you.
Or a box of Kleenex and ask people to blow me. Naw, I like your idea better.
I’m ashamed to admit that I watched about 30 minutes of HSM the other night. I’d never seen any of them and wanted to know what all the fuss was about, and I have to say, kids don’t know shit about shit. What was worse was that it was some sort of sing along thing so they had the lyrics to all of the songs at the bottom of the screen and I’m reasonably certain that a drunk orangutan wrote them.
I think I can safely say that I won’t be watching any of the other movies.
Oohh, yeah. I remember seeing that part of the HSM too. While I admit that the joke is on us, because those “actors” are raking in the cake, I still picture them dancing around to silence like the retards they are while filming. Ghey.
I have never seen any of these movies, and hopefully never will.
I think in Saw 5 Jigsaw is going to be forcing people to watch all 3 movies back to back.
Did that just make anyone elses spine tingle?
Those Saw movies are the shit. 2 and 3 kinda stunk, but 1 and 4 were pretty awesome. I’ll watch all 5 in a row, actually.
That was what you were referring to in your comment, right? I don’t want to look like more of an ass than I regularly do.
Actually I was saying people would be forced to watch all 3 HSM movies over and over.
That would be worse than any series of horror flicks, I can tell you that.
I think you should got as a bleached poopchute.
Instead of the hairy brown one I go out as everyday?
Hell yes! Halloween is a special day!
Are Disney’s intentions to make me want to jam a coat hanger into my uterus rendering me incapable of mothering a child? Let alone a daughter I would expose tho their whore factory?
It is? I knew it.
Uhh…that might be extreme. Might I suggest Nickelodeon?