How about THIS Fat Bastard
Fat people take a lot of crap in this country. I mean, they are abused verbally, they are picked on, they don’t get a fair shake when it comes to McDonald’s Value Meals (seriously, ONE Big Mac and an order of fries is enough? Pshaw.) and front seats of vehicles are no match for these gravy-laden, mouth breathing weeble-wobble land mammals…sorry, see? Verbal abuse. I meant to say, gravy laden, mouth-breathing weeble-wobble Americans.
(He isn't American, but you get the idea)
In reality, most obese people are not happy to be obese, it’s just the way that they are. Somewhere along the way, their metabolism slowed to reverse, fat cells decided that procreating was the way to pass the time and, you know what? I’m not going to get on track of offering excuses. It happened, you’re obese, try using the stairs.
But I have to admit, despite the many disadvantages “truffle shufflers” have in the world today, there are certain advantages that have to be acknowledged. Things like: using Rascals at Wal-Mart (or anywhere walking is required), having two seats on an airplane, Sumo Wrestling, using bags of flour for sexual purposes and, after reading a certain article, hiding contraband while serving time in prison.
It’s this latter that has me laughing, because imagining two human Manatee’s going at it using a bag of flour and finding a wet spot (only one?) in order to have sex is pretty gross. (What happens afterward? Do they make sourdough bread with it? *dry vomits*) But in prison, I guess people will do anything to get their stuff on the inside.
A man who is a prison inmate in a Jacksonville, Florida prison was recently caught trying to sneak a whole bunch of contraband into the prison using his stomach fat rolls as a carrying case. He was asked, while a random search for contraband was being conducted, to lift his shirt and according to the police report, when “Grimace” raised his shirt, cops found two bags of reefer and tobacco hidden in his stomach fat. The 290-pound prisoner is being held on drug trafficking and forgery charges, and now faces additional charges in light of his latest attempt.
First of all, I find this rather ingenious. I like his thinking. I like it in a “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade…and a whole bunch of swamp ass” kind of way. Turn his disadvantage into something that will benefit him and others, perhaps prevent him from being shanked like a large pork roast while in the can. I get it.
What the story fails to mention is that also found in his doughy ripples were: Seven sticks of butter, a live chicken, a can of Ragu Chunky Style sauce, a bottle of Wild Irish Rose, a 16-year-old Chinese prostitute and a 1991 Honda Civic.
Now the rest of the tale tells me that’s just plain taking advantage of the leeway fat rolls provide. I mean, it sounds like a hell of a time and all, some weed, good food, cheap booze, Asian gymnast hooker sex, a smoke afterward and a reliable escape vehicle. But that was pushing it. And that sounds pretty selfish to me.
Some advice, fat bastard?
Smuggle a Geo Metro. They’re a tad more compact and you’d have got off scott free.
Poor guy. Anyone else heard any ridiculous smuggling stories lately?
It’s too bad we can’t all be a the Adonis of the human physical form like yourself. Thanks for the humor. I think.
Oh, I am no physical specimen either, I assure you. I’m making some fun of my fat self here too. I strive for equal opportunity fun poking, especially when stupid things occur.
Will you publish your hate mail for this one? Please?
The problem is he got greedy. He could have tried just a few smokes and a joint or two. Dumb fuck.
Oh, the hate mail is rolling in already. People need to realize that I am no Adonis here myself. I make fun of myself all the time.
I’ll agree that he got greedy. But I love his trying to take advantage of what the good Lord gave him. Kudos for that.
Pointless banter gets hate mail? That’s crazy talk!?
Ingenious! It’s better than hiding stuff in your arse-hole.
I’d hate to be one of the cops who had to frisk him, though.
I hope they were wearing rubber gloves and not smelling of Whoppers.
full body cavity searches = good times!
I know the Border Patrol and the OPP along the US-Canadian border think so too. Not from personal experience, though.
Hey could’ve gotten a geo metro and a ford pinto in for the space of the honda.
See? He should’ve known that. Poor planning on his part.
I knew a man back in Jersey who got busted for selling cocaine, they found it taped under his gut, and moobs and ass. Yes he was on fat man. How did a coke head get so fat? Wel he ordered 3 large garbage pizzas and 2 sausage calzones, a sub and 2 2liter bottles of ironically enough, Pepsi.How do I know this? I took his order’s a few times a week at the pizzeria, by phone of course;0
And delivery was the only option for him, surely.
Was his name Silent Bob? Did his friend call him “tons of fun”?
No, his name was…….actually, I can’t say for he maybe reading this in his double wide prison cell. Al I can say was he was a mook;)
Prisoners love this site…. so it is good to be careful. It is huge in most minimum security joints
How is it in female minimum security joints? I’m wondering if I need to post some conjugal visit/huge crank posts is why I ask.
I am not getting the flour bag sex thing . . . ’splain it?
As for the rest . . . a live chicken . . . HAHAHAHAHA!!
OK. You throw flour all over their bodies and the idea is to find the wet spot and stick it in there. Get it?
Buk-buk…BUGAWK!
Matty, your comments are my effective diet yet.
Umm yeah. *most* effective . . . see I can’t even post a comment through all of that dry heaving.
Nobody can say I am not descriptive. Looks like creative writing class in Junior High has paid off in spades.
well..Im glad I weigh 100 pounds…but then again i get picked on for being too skinny. and unfortunatly I wont be able to smuggle anything under my fat when i go to jail in December….dam it how do i gain 200 pounds before dec 4th?
What the hell are you headed to jail for? Whose ass did you kick now?
The only smuggling story I have is from MSU working nights at the door…watching 2 completely blazed potheads through the window rolling up their bag of weed into their sweatshirt while laughing fucking hysterically about not getting caught.
They were approximately 3 feet away from me.
Duuuude…she didn’t even see us, brah…hehehe…
Sparty on.
Ok this is some funny shit. My friend Andrea has got to be at least 350. She is a big woman! With HUGE titties! So we go to Bennigans one day and order drinks. She got a short vodka and cranberry and I probably got a bottle of beer. I was ready to go and she hadn’t finished her drink yet. She says “Hold on one minute.” So I’m waiting and talking to my other friend that had showed up. She says “Lets go” and we go. I saw NOTHING in her hands. When we get outside to her car, she’s got the fucking drink. Still 3/4 full. That crazy ass put that drink all up in her titties-without spilling it-and made it to the car! I could not believe my eyes! It was hilarious! And she’s one of them big girls that doesn’t give a fuck. She knows she’s big but let me tell you-she has landed some really fine men!
I love women like that. Ones that don’t give a fuck and aren’t offended, they are who they are. Fun as hell to hang around, I can tell you that.
I DID AN INTERNSHIP WITH THE DEPT OF CORRECTIONS IN FLORIDA AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING…WHEN WE DID CAVITY SEARCHES ON THE NEWLY ARRIVED INMATES, I WAS AMAZED AT WHAT PEOPLE WERE SMUGGLING IN AS CONTRABAND AND HOW THEY MANAGED TO DO SO.
OBESE OR NOT, I’VE SEEN WORSE…AND BY WORSE IMAGINE HAVING SOMEONE SQUAT AND COUGH 5 TIMES ONLY TO SEE A LIGHT BULB COME OUT OF THEIR ASS AND BREAK JUST AS THE PERSON IS ORDERED TO COUGH AGAIN.
GROSS.
I’d be more impressed if one of those light bulbs went on, though. But, gross is right.
He forgot the strawberry jam!!
About six years ago I went to Ozzfest with the guy who became H and a couple friends, and when we got there everyone whipped out joints and started trying to decide how they planned to smuggle them in. About two minutes into brainstorming, H’s best friend looked at me and grinned- and then proceeded to talk me into hiding them along the underwire of my (huge) bra. We got them in with no problem, but I was rather disappointed I didn’t get felt up.
a). how many joints and b). none of our guy friends offered? That is disappointing.
Coming from weeble-wobbleland mammal….I had a guy I was dating ask me if I could hide a couple of kilos of coke, one under each breast, so we could transport it. First of all, I wasn’t that big breasted, C cup, and second big knockers don’t make me a lard ass.
No, we did not have a second date. roflmao
Well, first of all, I’ve only known one Branwyn in my life, and there is no way in hell she is large, so if this is “you”, Branwyn, how the hell are you?
If not, c-cups definitely don’t make you fat, well proportioned actually.
Ok, I’m not exactly shaped like “Fat Bastard”, but I’m not a waif either….So, I’m probably not the Branwyn you know. Also, Branwyn is my Wiccan name and is an excellent screen name,=).
And thanks for the c-cup comment. They’re a d-cup now. I’ve given birth 4 times….Gravity and children mess you up like that. *sigh*
I am more amazed that you went from a C to a D then. I thought babies kill boobs and make them shrivel to fried eggs.
“Do they make sourdough bread with it?”
I totally just threw up.
Anyway, I can’t smuggle anything in tummy fat because I’m not that fat, however, since not exercising for like the last year — I know I could smuggle a doobie under my ass cheek. Does that count?
*did I just show my age by saying doobie
How do you walk? I imagine you trudging along all stiff so that the spliff doesn’t drop while walking.
Most of the absurd prison smuggling stories I’ve heard have involved putting things in one’s “jailhouse wallet.”*
* — that’s your asshole
Jailhouse wallet…outstanding sir!
back in my senior year of high school, my econ class went on a prison tour. one of the guards told us about this one dude that had 3 packs of cigs, 2 lighters, 6 ounces of crack, and a bag of weed shoved up his ass.
Now this I wonder. If he had farted, would the lighter light up? And if so, what kind of fireworks show would THAT be?
Okay, I’m not anywhere near that size, and I’m shrinking almost daily, but…did you think that maybe this guy got fat on purpose just so that he could land the prime job of jail smuggler? Now his career is bust and he has to live with his ex-bosses and be reamed (no pun intended) for his failure to do his job. Poor bastard!
Well, I never thought of it that way. Now he is out of business, just like the rest of America.