Rules to follow when picking up an underage girl
This is part of my instructions for life series.
You know I can’t say that I have ever picked up an underage girl nor would I want to. But I think if you went about it here are some of the things you need to consider.
1) While the idea of a van sounds cool it actually is a little creepy
The free candy van is just an internet joke, nobody would actually enter one. Vans without windows just remind people how the governor’s daughter was abducted at the start of “Silence of the Lambs.” On a side note whenever you are out in a bar and see an overweight girl signing “American Girl” to you just kind of laugh to yourself and think about that movie? (Is it just me?)
2) Kids don’t respond to candy or puppies these days like the used to
Back in the day it was much easier to get the attention of underage girls. A cute puppy, sweets, and dolls were usually more than enough to pick up chicks. Now kids are drinking earlier, more technologically advanced, and way smarter. So you either have to buy them booze or get them an I-pod.
3) Mustaches are automatically a deal breaker
No matter how much you ultimately want to give someone a mustache ride it is a deal breaker with dealing with anyone under the age of 35.
4) Hanging out in front of the school is probably a bad idea
While you would think the natural place to pick up an underage girl is out in front of her school it is probably a bad idea. You know with the whole law enforcement and multiple adults around thing. It is all about the mall and malt shops or that is what the creepy old guy that lives down the street told me.
5) Going over to her parent’s house for dinner is something you should pass on
Nothing would blow your cover and be more uncomfortable than going over to her parent’s house for dinner. Well unless you live in the south where it would be socially acceptable. While she might pressure you that she wants to show you off to her parents and let everyone know about your relationship you probably should curb that idea.
So there you go, happy hunting and I hope you burn in hell for breaking the law.
Any tips that you would like to share?
Don’t hang around playgrounds. Instead go to an amusement park you may find some young girl straying around looking for a lost relative or friends. LOL.
Man karma is gonna bite my ass for that. I have a little girl….
This is already headed to the most wrong ever…
There is a tingling feeling that this is not the end, nor even remotely the worst of your man-tastic advice…
Oh I have an entire series… but this maybe the worst one.
At least you didn’t mention roofies and hot cocoa.
Malt shop, Jughead?
I was just going by what the old man down the street said.
Crap, I was trying to work in some comment about the “soda jerk” making a comeback. I got nothin`. Dammit.
It was the attempt that counts.
But you don’t even need to pick up underage girls if you make your home in a community that endorses arranged marriages.
Fundamentalist Mormonism Baby!
Can we raise the roof for Mormonism?
Driving an ice cream truck is a sure way to get some jailbait booty.
The music is such a pantie dropper.
Rocket Pops make for some good demonstration tools if you can’t quite get your point across.
Plus they can act like a measuring stick
Leave it to you to impress little Susie by comparing yourself to an ice cream treat.
Go watch little pageants I guess? Tell the crazy stage mothers you are rich, one of those sick women will offer up their daughter to you I’m sure.
Pageant mothers are the scariest people on earth.
Build a zoo and an amusemtn park in your back yard and name it Neverland ?
That sounds like a familiar plan…. hmmmmmmmm
I used to work at Chuck E. Cheese and have tons
of coupons!!
The free candy van never worked but my “Hanna Montana
Free Shuttle” has worked wonders.
Coups always work… always.
>>>whenever you are out in a bar and see an overweight girl signing “American Girl” to you
I don’t know enough sign language to be able to figure that out but a heftie gesturing at me is not going to be enticing.
Wasn’t it a fat, obnoxious Senators daughter that was abducted in Silence of the Lambs, not the Governors daughter?
And yes, every time I hear “American Girl” I think of that flick. That and “It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.” which I say daily.
Two Words: Boone’s Farm.
60% of the time, it works every time.
Always have a tall department store shopping bag for your underage date to stand in when you take her into a restroom stall.
I NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHAT MEN SEE IN UNDERAGE GIRLS AND YOUNGER WOMEN OTHER THAN THE ALLEGED TIGHTER POON,
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY…I MUCH RATHER BE WITH SOMEONE WHO KNOWS WHAT THE HELL HE’S DOING BY VIRTUE OF HIS EXPERIENCE AND AT THE SAME TIME IS DRAMA-FREE.AND BY DRAMA FREE I MEAN NOT HAVING TO DEAL WITH SNEAKING OUT, GETTING IN TROUBLE FOR HAVING HIS GF SPEND THE NIGHT IN HIS DORM OR HAVING TO ASK HIS PARENTS IF HE CAN SPEND THE NIGHT AT HIS GF’S PLACE.
I COULD NEVER SEE MYSELF ENJOYING A RELATIONSHIP (SEXUAL OR NOT) WITH LIKE AN 18YR OLD OR EVEN A 21YR OLD DESPITE ONLY BEING 29YRS OLD. A ONE NIGHT STAND ON THE OTHER HAND….*WINK*
JESUS CHRIST I ACTUALLY SOUNDED NORMAL AND INTELLIGENT FOR ONE SPLIT SECOND. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?