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Oct
23

Rules to follow when picking up an underage girl

By: Bobby Finstock on 10/23/08 @ 7:20 am

This is part of my instructions for life series.

You know I can’t say that I have ever picked up an underage girl nor would I want to. But I think if you went about it here are some of the things you need to consider.

1) While the idea of a van sounds cool it actually is a little creepy

The free candy van is just an internet joke, nobody would actually enter one. Vans without windows just remind people how the governor’s daughter was abducted at the start of “Silence of the Lambs.” On a side note whenever you are out in a bar and see an overweight girl signing “American Girl” to you just kind of laugh to yourself and think about that movie? (Is it just me?)

2) Kids don’t respond to candy or puppies these days like the used to

Back in the day it was much easier to get the attention of underage girls. A cute puppy, sweets, and dolls were usually more than enough to pick up chicks. Now kids are drinking earlier, more technologically advanced, and way smarter. So you either have to buy them booze or get them an I-pod.

3) Mustaches are automatically a deal breaker

No matter how much you ultimately want to give someone a mustache ride it is a deal breaker with dealing with anyone under the age of 35.

4) Hanging out in front of the school is probably a bad idea

While you would think the natural place to pick up an underage girl is out in front of her school it is probably a bad idea. You know with the whole law enforcement and multiple adults around thing. It is all about the mall and malt shops or that is what the creepy old guy that lives down the street told me.

5) Going over to her parent’s house for dinner is something you should pass on

Nothing would blow your cover and be more uncomfortable than going over to her parent’s house for dinner. Well unless you live in the south where it would be socially acceptable. While she might pressure you that she wants to show you off to her parents and let everyone know about your relationship you probably should curb that idea.

So there you go, happy hunting and I hope you burn in hell for breaking the law.

Any tips that you would like to share?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

29 Responses to “Rules to follow when picking up an underage girl”

  1. Isha says:

    Don’t hang around playgrounds. Instead go to an amusement park you may find some young girl straying around looking for a lost relative or friends. LOL.

    Man karma is gonna bite my ass for that. I have a little girl….

  2. Meghan says:

    There is a tingling feeling that this is not the end, nor even remotely the worst of your man-tastic advice…

  3. Charlotte says:

    Malt shop, Jughead?

  4. Charlotte says:

    Crap, I was trying to work in some comment about the “soda jerk” making a comeback. I got nothin`. Dammit.

  5. Thomas says:

    But you don’t even need to pick up underage girls if you make your home in a community that endorses arranged marriages.

    Fundamentalist Mormonism Baby!

  6. Chris says:

    Driving an ice cream truck is a sure way to get some jailbait booty.

  7. Em Em says:

    Go watch little pageants I guess? Tell the crazy stage mothers you are rich, one of those sick women will offer up their daughter to you I’m sure.

  8. Sophie says:

    Build a zoo and an amusemtn park in your back yard and name it Neverland ?

  9. Rotten Rob says:

    I used to work at Chuck E. Cheese and have tons
    of coupons!!
    The free candy van never worked but my “Hanna Montana
    Free Shuttle” has worked wonders.

  10. conundrum says:

    >>>whenever you are out in a bar and see an overweight girl signing “American Girl” to you

    I don’t know enough sign language to be able to figure that out but a heftie gesturing at me is not going to be enticing.

  11. Wasn’t it a fat, obnoxious Senators daughter that was abducted in Silence of the Lambs, not the Governors daughter?

    And yes, every time I hear “American Girl” I think of that flick. That and “It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.” which I say daily.

  12. JT says:

    Two Words: Boone’s Farm.

    60% of the time, it works every time.

  13. renalfailure says:

    Always have a tall department store shopping bag for your underage date to stand in when you take her into a restroom stall.

  14. PsYcHo BiTcH says:

    I NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHAT MEN SEE IN UNDERAGE GIRLS AND YOUNGER WOMEN OTHER THAN THE ALLEGED TIGHTER POON,

    I MEAN, SERIOUSLY…I MUCH RATHER BE WITH SOMEONE WHO KNOWS WHAT THE HELL HE’S DOING BY VIRTUE OF HIS EXPERIENCE AND AT THE SAME TIME IS DRAMA-FREE.AND BY DRAMA FREE I MEAN NOT HAVING TO DEAL WITH SNEAKING OUT, GETTING IN TROUBLE FOR HAVING HIS GF SPEND THE NIGHT IN HIS DORM OR HAVING TO ASK HIS PARENTS IF HE CAN SPEND THE NIGHT AT HIS GF’S PLACE.

    I COULD NEVER SEE MYSELF ENJOYING A RELATIONSHIP (SEXUAL OR NOT) WITH LIKE AN 18YR OLD OR EVEN A 21YR OLD DESPITE ONLY BEING 29YRS OLD. A ONE NIGHT STAND ON THE OTHER HAND….*WINK*

    JESUS CHRIST I ACTUALLY SOUNDED NORMAL AND INTELLIGENT FOR ONE SPLIT SECOND. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

  15. Bella-Trix says:

    I taught my daughter to tell guys that hit on her & are way “too old” for her to say the following:
    “Just so you know, I am jail bait”
    I am planning on getting a T-shirt printed for her that reads:
    Property of a Jail bait!
    Keep your hands off!!!

    She is turning 15 soon…

    (I do wonder:
    Do you actually read new comments that are left on these rather ancient blogs?

    Hope all is good & thanks again for finding me on Facebook.
    Btw:
    This might really sound retarded. However I really don’t “get” Facebook; I find it rather retarded to use. It seems that everyone keeps their profile private, you can’t read anything about them, prior of deciding to add them as a friend.
    Whats the hype about a site that is (to me) beyond retarded to use?!?
    I’d appreciate it.
    xox
    Bella-Trix

  16. Bella-Trix says:

    Did I mention how truly retarded I think that site is?
    ha ha ha

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