Why did you deceive me, Penthouse?
“Alright stop whatcha doin’, cause I’m about to ruin, the image and the style that ya used to. I look funny, but yo’ I’m makin’ money see, so yo world I hope yo’ ready for me. Now gather round, I’m the new fool in town, and my sound’s laid down by the (pointlessbanter.net), I drink up all the Hennessy ya got on ya shelf, now just let me introduce myself, my name is…”
Matty. Actually, it’s Matt E. — Warren for these here purposes. Yeah, I might have grown up a smidge. Splayin’ the flava of some mad, dope ass, retarded bomb shit stuff over here now. Actually, mad props to our gracious host, Bobby Finstock and to Donkeysosa for allowing me to cut in and dance wif the people.
Alright, enough of my speaking like an asshole.
I need to tell you all something that I have never revealed to any person, living or dead, but I feel I need to come clean with now. In light of the conversation I had with an old chum yesterday, it’s time.
There was, at one point in my life, a time when I wanted to be a package delivery guy. Seriously. I had a few ambitious career goals back in the day, say, when I was a teenager.
I wanted to be a writer, not some ordinary run-of-the-mill Fedora wearing phone jockey reporter, I was gonna be the next Mitch Albom, damn it.
Or I was going to be a broadcaster for sporting events, perhaps announce pro sports live or be on ESPN.
I really was going to be a second baseman for the Philadelphia Phillies.
And I wanted to be a delivery guy.
I became none of the above. I pretty much sprinkled the infield with my choices of careers, didn’t I? What an idiot.
Now my fascination with being a delivery guy had nothing to do with making money, wearing shorts or being physically fit. I could’ve been a Reno 911 cop for that. No, my reasoning was built on years of sneaking around my old man’s sock drawers and with fantasies derived from being in a Catholic School environment during my formative, “Gee, I can get a boner at any moment and have to cover it with my Trapper Keeper” days. Yeah. In my younger pervert days, I would constantly sneak a glance at Penthouse magazine. The lessons in said magazine were priceless. Tips on what the female anatomy looks like (kidneys included, wow), how to find the magic bean on a woman, that dudes with cheesy mustaches and hair all over their bodies land women with enough hairspray to single handedly melt a polar ice cap…and within that Forum section, that delivery guys get all the poonany.
I wanted poonany. I was 13 years old. A couch cushion would’ve done the trick…but a real vagina? O-face city.
Flash forward a few years. I met up with a good friend named “Randy” yesterday, who at one time was a delivery guy for a company I’ll call “You Pe-nis”. The guy was a stud athlete in college. Not much of a student if I recall, but was popular, could drink like a fish and was always game for some general douchebaggery. Fun times. He also had stories of shagging chicks like no other, using t-shirts and their pink towels for “clean-up” afterwards and never speaking with them again. Legend.
I know that he was also about as smart as a sock puppet. Meh.
So Randy got this gig after college driving a big brown turd looking thing all over the town, visiting homes and businesses and delivering their stuff. It was good seeing that fat ball of beerbelly, and after we caught up a bit with the ten years or so I have seen him, I asked him a point blank question.
“How is the getting the ladies when you were driving? Surely you have some stories!”
The answer was disappointing to say the least. And “the least” means, my “hopes and dreams of my childhood” were blasted.
There were no tales of debauchery with married unsatisfied women. No tales of making a delivery to a big house only to find a hot color-treated blonde with big cans and moist panties waiting to be bent over an ottoman. No tales of the hot receptionist at a company removing her top, grabbing his hand and leading him into the supply room to suck him like a circus seal. None of this ever occurred. In fact, he went on to say that 90% of the women he DID encounter that MIGHT be willing to do ANY of the above weren’t exactly what he would call, “that company’s best foot forward”…unless that foot includes a size ten foot jammed into a size six with mangled toenails, toejam and a pus filled blister.
Now I am crushed, left doubting my wonderment over this career at all. Stupid Penthouse Dream killers. What kind of publication are you anyway? I look for journalistic integrity and life lessons from those that have been there and are deceived? Bastards. You should all be ashamed.
I guess I can always become a pool cleaner. Please dear God tell me they still get ladies in bikini’s whose tops mysteriously fall off next to a hot tub and a bottle of champagne…
Is there anyone out there that has a tale where this stuff actually happens? I’m all ears and taking notes.
Congrats.
Or something.
Or something is about right. Now bookmark this bitch already!
Yes. I drive a limo and get more ass than a bike seat. I am indiscriminate with my poking and it’s all in the name of creating good hook up karma. If you pass on a fatty, a dimepiece may pass on you at a later date. That said, I’m filling all holes like spackle.
Good times.
I forgot about limo drivers. I can imagine that you have some sort of camera installed back there that are the basis for those voyeur porn sites, don’t you?
At least that’s what I’d do…taking the good with the bad. Mostly the good though.
We have cameras but no access to what they record. The cameras are only for “insurance purposes” but I have discovered a way to position my BlackBerry to catch some action.
Fuck bang bus.
I am still waiting for the pizza guy’s clothes to fall off when he delivers a pie and reveal one hot salami;0
And it will be put through a hole in the bottom of the box, too. That trick never fails, I assume.
But have you asked a Fed Ex driver?? The dream could still be alive!!
*not telling*
I have not asked the FedEx driver. I figured one sample was enough for a true test.
Do tell???
All the nurses, that I’ve worked with, wear tear-away uniforms and give naughty sponge baths.
Oh, Lord. I love nurses.
I thought you were supposed to lose your bikini top when the pool boy shows up!
That’s law in Southern California, so I hear. I know you aren’t there, but so you know. Just like it is law to have a dirty mattress and cameras in the backyards of homes Chatsworth and Van Nuys.
Actually, our Delivery guy is really perverted! My employers online shop like mad and he’s there 2 times a day with weird comments!
Maybe he’s waiting for his big screen break.
Has he ever come to the door with a “dick in a box” as a special delivery? And by “big screen” do you mean a video gateway on, deliveryguycock.net? *fake site…I think*
He says ‘Want me to bring these in for yah?’…and all I hear in my head is ‘SHAFT! You damn right!’
That guitar riff before it is unmistakable.
LOL I know what you mean… I have yet to be propositioned by a hot plumber or the delivery guy… I am still waiting tho…
Bring it on!
If I can borrow a brown uniform from my delivery pal, even if it will be a tad “loose fitting”, where are you and can I proposition you? Think of it as a role play. Hehehe…
I’ve never been overtly propositioned by a delivery guy- wait, maybe that one when I used to work at the mall- but, I did have a guy at the gas station offer to “pump it” for me. In case I didn’t know what he was talking about he so kindly then emulated the gesture to make sure the point was driven home. But as tempting as he made the back room seem as he pointed to it, (and boy, isn’t doing the nasty on a pile of old beer boxes and beef jerky wrappers tempting!) I decided to pass up the opportunity. He made sure to let me know it was my loss, though. I haven’t yet decided if I regret it or not. Maybe in twenty or so years if I’m real hard up, I’ll look back and wish I would have taken him up on that offer.
I have a feeling you just passed up Mr. Right. But, his credibility increases with this question: Did he put the gas pump betwixt his legs and ride it in order to demonstrate it? Because that is the key to success with that maneuver.
So I’m told.
Sadly no, he was behind a counter and could only grab his own balls for effect. I suppose he lost 8 credibility points for that.
I wanted to be a meteoroligist- until I realized that was to hard to spell on a resume’.
You are a hoot!!!
Oh and by the way: The act of expressing joy or acknowledgment, as for the achievement or good fortune of another. <—congrats!
You still spelled meteorologist wrong.
But, I’ll let it slide and accept your congrats and compliments and hope you get your butt back here!
ya, I kinda meant to spell it wrong!
ha!
I subscribed it.. said no new mail if there were no new posts.
By the way- I can hear the UPS truck a mile away. I salivate like a dog.
Yeah, I think it is the brown that is a turn off. Cuz I would totally do the Fed Ex guy. Twice.
And three times on the weekends? Although, brown is the color of chocolate, and I hear that some women like chocolate, so isn’t it possible that some women (heifers) might want a piece of that hot chocolate lookin’ ass?
Ummm . . . UPS Brown is not the color of chocolate. At least not good chocolate. UPS Brown in the color of Beer and Taco Bell shits. And I don’t think even the heifers want any of that action.
It was the shorts, admit it.
I’m still holding out hope for the pool boy fantasy… and hopefully I’ll still be under 50 when I can afford to buy a house, any house, far less one with a pool!
By then your bikini top will double as a belt. Isn’t that what happens with boobs as you get older?
If I had boobs big enough to sag, yes, you would be correct.
Makes me wonder what kinds of opportunities I might have passed up when I turned down that job at UPS.
According to my pal, not many, unless you like ‘em looking like old gym socks.
Hmmm…never was one for gym class.
Although I might go hit up FedEx, for the sake of science of course.
For science, of course. You may even qualify for a government grant. Call that goofy ass question mark suit wearin’ Matthew Lesko cat.
I have no tales of this but damn it I’m trying! Trying to make a memory for myself. Lets see, there was the Loomis Fargo guy in Arkansas that I would have sucked that one like a circus seal. The DHL guy was smoking hot too. Nowadays…all I have is a married uniform delivery man come by here, and I’m not interested in that. Is sex at work the hottest thing ever or what?!
Jeebus, Brandi. Do you need some assistance?
I too had heard that package delivery (pun slightly intended) guys got alot of action. But I’ve yet to encounter one that gave me thoughts of testing out the stairwell in my office building.
Hmmm, maybe it’s just propaganda instigated by the delivery companies to lure young men into applying…conspiracy anyone?
Pun received. Are you saying that most of your delivery guys are stair testers as well? I mean, they’re fat.
You peeked at Penthouse too?! OMG we’re soul mates. I used to read Penthouse Forum and confuse myself further on how grownups would “do it.”
Some of those UPS guys are studs! One of them from my hometown was on Donahoo as best looking UPS guy. Bahahah! There’s a goal.
I thought for sure you were going to share what your put your penis in to pleasure yourself at this age.
“Gee, I can get a boner at any moment and have to cover it with my Trapper Keeper”
unless it was the trapper keeper…:D
Hello there soul mate! I always took a peek at Penthouse. Much more educational than Playboy…all fluff and Barbie dolls. As for what I put my penis in for pleasure, what I CAN tell you is that it isn’t a cheese grater or a glory hole. And I don’t take pictures of it
That’s ok. I’m still waiting for the day that the guy comes to install my cable and ends up “installing his own cable”. Sadly, the cable guy is always bald, and always old, and never good looking. Stupid Penthouse forum.
But oh how I love reading them aloud in the form of a straight news read.
I would PAY you to read it aloud like a news read during the 90’s at Night. Remember, controversy equals ratings, but also may include you getting canned. Meh. Nevermind.
All those stories about hot nurses giving you sponge baths was bullshit, too.
Why do you do this to me? What’s next? If I stick my penis in a hole in a bathroom it WON’T be fellated by a hot woman on the other end?
The FedEx guy at our office has the best looking calves I have ever seen! I’d totally let him take me over the copy machine! Speaking of copy machine, our receptionist laughs because I have a thing for the copy machine repair guy with a perfectly squared tie too! Mmmmmm. Of course, this may all be the distance and time of separation that my husband has been away. I can’t walk by the produce section without eyeballing those cucumbers and feeling shivers down my spine and started writing a really saucy journal of things I’d love to do to…..damn it, here I go again! Where the hell are those needy delivery guys????
*ding dong*
Pizza delivery guy with your cucumber and salami special!
Wasn’t it great when you would get a boner in school and the teacher would make you go to the chalkboard? I would just sit there while everybody looked at me like I was crazy.