The Five Scenes that Ruined Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Yeah yeah yeah, I know, this movie came out months ago. This is yesterday’s news. Well I have a nine month old in the house so I don’t exactly “get out to the movies much” or “have much of a life.” So I just finally got around to watching it now that it’s out on DVD.
Let me start with this: IJATKOTCS (longest acronym ever) is not a bad movie. In fact, it’s actually pretty good. Much of the old humor and light-heartedness of the original trilogy is here, Harrison Ford is somehow still believable as an action hero even at age 64, and there are some fun action sequences. The problem is that more than the original three, this movie has several scenes in it that are so over-the-top cartoony and unbelievable that they raise the hackles of any reasonable movie goer. In the end, the following 5 scenes left me with a very bad taste in my mouth and to me ruined what could have been a solid entry in the Indiana Jones oeuvre.
1. Indy uses gunpowder to find the magnetic crate. Ugh. The movie just started and already Spielberg is tempting people’s ability to suspend disbelief. If a crate was so magnetic that when you throw gunpowder in the air it floats towards it, wouldn’t every piece of metal in the room be sucked toward it? And besides, I’m pretty sure gunpowder slowly floating through the air defies the laws of physics. Surely they could have come up with a better plot device than this.
“You, Dr. Jones…have a booger on your forehead.”
2. The Fridge. Oh sweet baby Jesus the fridge. This is the scene that seems to be written about the most. Indy protects himself from a nuclear blast by hiding in a lead-lined fridge. I may be alone in this, but I MAY have been willing to buy this if they had just shown Indy stumble out of the fridge afterwards. But noooo no no, they have to throw the fridge through the air for about half a mile, crash and roll through the desert, then end by crashing into a car…and Indy crawls out without a scratch. Retarded and pointless.
3. The Tarzan scene. For me this is the most cringe-inducing one of the lot, and more than any other should have been left on the cutting room floor. Mutt gets launched up into some trees in the jungle during a car chase. There he finds a horde of spider monkeys. Suddenly he and the monkeys are SWINGING ON VINES THROUGH A PAINFULLY OBVIOUS CGI FOREST AS IF MUTT’S BEEN DOING IT ALL HIS LIFE. To make matters worse, Mutt and the monkeys then proceed to land in an enemy car, where the monkeys attack the villains. Seriously Spielberg? You saw that final cut and left it in? Is this an Indiana Jones movie or Jungle Book 2?
“See that down there kid? It’s my credibility as an actor.”
4. Marion drives a car off a cliff and onto a tree. Marion, who apparently unbeknownst to Indy has been spending the last 20 years as a stunt driver in Hollywood movies, executes a perfect jump off of a cliff and onto a tree…which then gently lays their amphibious vehicle into a river. The scene just plays out as needless and lame. Why not just have her jump the cliff into the river?
5. The spaceship. The final insult. The Indiana Jones films have always had a touch of the otherworldly to them, but they never pounded you in the face with it. Ya know, as in, like, a giant flying saucer erupts from the ground and flies away? They had me up until that point. The Crystal skeleton people? OK, pretty cool. The inter-dimensional portals? Hm, you’re stretching it there, but I can hang. But then they had to bust out with the saucer. This has George Lucas written all over it. I can just hear him: “The ending needs to be bigger, we need more effects. I need to ruin this series like I did my other one.”
Well, you almost did George, you almost did. Thankfully, Spielberg’s genius narrowly rescues the film from being shite. I would love to see a cut of the movie with the above scenes taken out. I can almost guarantee it would be much better. Too bad they only release DVDs with added footage. God help us if they ever do that with this film. Can you imagine the bonus footage of Indy using his whip to lasso the flying saucer so that Mutt’s army of monkeys can attack the little green men? Shudder.
I was more shocked by the abcense of the Nazi’s. I don’t care if it’s supposed to be years after the fall of the Nazi’s, Indy just shouldn’t be fighting anyone else. South Park had it right with Spielburg and Lucas literally raping Indy. “Squeal boy!”
Hell it would be more believeable if the guy who got his face burnt clean off in Raiders of the Lost Ark was magically raised from the dead to have another go round than the load of crap about Commies.
But on to the reason I really had to comment, just got my bumper stickers in. Love the shit out of them. And the letter you wrote really made me feel loved and cared about. Your letter kept me from ending my life, I owe you one.
I also just saw this movie this past weekend. Okay, I’m with you on the Tarzan scene. I literally looked around to see if someone was filming my reaction at the extreme absurdity. And the alien stuff and all of it, very wtf. But the movie in general was just…off. I seriously haven’t put my finger on it yet, but there was just something about the movie that seemed uneven. I told someone the first “Mummy” seemed more like an Indiana Jones movie than this one did. A real disappointment.
I felt it was very hit or miss. There were times when it was flat and awful, like in the beginning wherehouse scene, and then times where it was clicking on all cylinders. very uneven
You are much kinder to this movie than I. Just saw it last weekend on DVD.
The 5 worst scenes: The Beginning. The End. And you can stuff the other 3 in the Middle.
It wasn’t AWFUL. Not as bad as a Madonna movie, or that Andromeda Strain piece of garbage I tried to watch a couple of months ago.
The whole scene in Area 51 was the worst, though. It felt dull and plodding, to me anyway. I started booing and rolling my eyes a lot. Once Indy was back in his classroom it started picking up for me a little. Oh, how about that “jocks vs the greasers” ploy in the coffee shop? Pee-ew.
But all in all it was ok. I turned to my boyfriend after and say “Eh. It was entertaining.” And he said “Exactly.
the opening scene was definitely flat as hell. it almost felt like they were trying to get back in the swing of things after 20 years. bad way to set the tone. jocks vs. greasers: lame and cartoony.
Now I definitely don’t want to see it, thanks!
i live to serve
I didn’t think it was a bad movie, but it’s been too long since they made a film… and THIS is what they make. Who knows.
exactly. lucas obviously applied way too much pressure because his shoddy ideas are all over this one. my expectations were actually rather low after some things i’d heard so i didn’t think it was half bad.
Haven’t seen it yet, Donk. I don’t really plan to until 2009. I’m still catching up on flicks from 2007.
Anyone seen “American Pie Presents Beta House”? I hear that one was Oscar worthy.
I have seen it. it is an american masterpiece on par with citizen kane.
Meh…I still haven’t seen it. I launched a protest the second I couldn’t find any internet leaks that Shia Labeouf had been accidentally killed during filming.
Please tell me this was sparked by the most recent South Park. Which by the way was hilarious, even the remake of the deliverence rape scene (the original rape scene gave me nightmares for years).
I was not happy with the movie and the fact that they are going to continue the series with Labeouf just makes me want to punch kittens.
Labeouf may be the worst thing to happen to hollywood since Kirstie Alley. If he ruins one more movie just by putting his stupid face into it I say we roadtrip down there and punch him in the taint.
You’re right I shouldn’t be taking it out on poor defenseless kittens I should be punching him.
No. The kittens still deserve it.
agreed. fuck the kittens.
ya know, i didn’t even know about the new south park until i was poking around on the internet last night while writing this blog. MUST SEE IT. BTW – Lucas has said that they will NOT continue the series with Labeouf. apparently even george lucas does the right thing every once in awhile.
I haven’t seen the movie, but I think I’ll skip it – I will never stop thinking of Shia Lebeouf as that annoying kid from Even Stevens. My annoyance with him trumps my love for Harrison Ford. I’ll just go get the old ones.
sounds great. wanna fuck?
You forgot the ants…giant ants, that can devour a man in 30 seconds and pull him down a hole.
What’s up with that???
yeah, that was really lame. but i figured i could live with it, but just barely. the ants actually seemed like a pretty typical indy-type plot device. the problem with them is they just looked so damn fake.
Yeah, everything you just said. I’m glad I’m not alone. I saw this in the theater and had a problem with everything you mentioned. I think it was all George’s fault!
george lucas should be carried away by a horde of CGI ants
I saw it in the theater and made the mistake of blurting out “A frige?!? You gotta be shittin’ me!” Only to be told very coldly by the uppity ass next to me that it was “a movie.” Um, yeah, no shit. Badbadbadbadbad.
Funniest part, my dad is a HUGE Indy fan so I rented the DVD. His comment? *pause* “Isn’t that that whipped pussy kid from Disturbia? He’s going to be the next Indy? Give me a break.” After watching the whole thing with many stops to throw the screen the bird and roll his eyes and gag, even he declared it utter dreck. He was mostly irritated by the psuedo-Brando look cooked up for LaPoofter and the annoying hair combing thing. My thoughts are if you lived that generation and that crap turned your guts, it was epic-fail-bad.
Glad you agree about the Tarzan scene. I don’t talk during movies (in a theater, at least) but the scene at the end where LaBeouf almost picks up Indy’s hat made me say “He better not put on that fucking hat!”
Also, not that it matters much, but my Myspace account got deleted, so I started a new one. I know you don’t really use your Myspace account anymore, but I sent you a friend request anyway.
Lucas has some DRP (Deeply Rooted Problems).
The audio dubbing in this movie seemed unrealistic, with Indie seemingly forced into saying lines that he would have never said in the originals. Anechoic chamber dialogue over CGI – doesn’t get any more fake than that. WTF.
What’s up with the damn swords in this movie?
All the ancient legends and real archeology and they had to come up with this crappy alien plot.
The only thing positive in this movie left to the imagination was the years in between where Indie served during WWII. Now, that would have made a better time period to shoot in. Come on, make-up and a little hair dye and they could have set the movie 13 years earlier and came up with something realistic.
CGI has ruined movies. So has Lucas.
i agree with everyone this movie had so much expectation and following that they might have well just made it 30 mins with all the best bits of the first 3 and we would have got over it and still be more happy with that than this peic eof rubbish they seemed to have made on a computer in someones shed. Shia LaBeouf for god sake, did they not learn from transformers that he should just be a kids entertainer in a circus where hopefully he will fall from the top rope. why why why why did they let this out of the cutting room is beyond my belief.