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Why MMA is the lamest thing ever

By: Bobby Finstock on 10/10/08 @ 8:46 am

I pick the sports I follow carefully. I refuse to get roped into what the latest fad is. When NASCAR became popular I recognized it for what it is, a bunch of rednecks driving around in a circle for people that have an IQ of a squeezable ketchup bottle and who find watching paint dry entertaining. I’m sorry but watching moving billboards chase each other with the potential of a horrible crash isn’t my idea of a good time.

The next big fad that has hit over the last few years is MMA short for Mixed Martial Arts. It is a combination of the grandeur of fake professional wrestling with the combat of multiple fighting disciplines like real wrestling (you know the sport where people get ringworm from unwashed mats and cauliflower ear), boxing (the most corrupt sport on the planet), and crazy ninja shit (I have nothing ill to say about crazy ninja shit).

A few of my friends are into MMA and I tried to watch a few of the PPVs with them. My friends talked up these cards as brutal fights, really enjoyable to watch and you have the added fun that you can gamble online. All it turned into were guys rolling around on the ground trying to work in a punch. It was really boring and pretty lame. Although it did get some bonus points because Joe Rogan is an announcer:

However I just couldn’t get into it. Plus when I looked at the fan base it just made me think of professional wrestling fans with a little more bloodlust. I don’t mean to judge but it didn’t seem like the most intelligent group on the planet. In fact it made Philadelphia Eagle’s fans seem like rocket scientists. You know the same group of guys that booed a potentially paralyzed player, chucked batteries at Santa Claus, and have a court room with a jail built into their stadium.

Last week I decided to give it another chance and watch a show on CBS on Saturday night. The company that was running the fight was basically a minor league company compared to the main company that puts these on, UFC. However this card offered up the internet fighting sensation Kimbo Slice. Known for videos on YouTube of him fighting in backyard brawls knocking the crap out of people and his history of working as a bodyguard for rappers and porn stars. Here is some of his work:

On the undercard of the fight was a women’s fight staring the infamous Gina Carano. Now I am all for women having the ability to have any job a man can have and doing anything that we do. But I have to say watching women fight, unless it is in a hair pulling catfight like way, is utterly disturbing. Even more so when one of them is good looking, it really is horrible to watch.

I have to say that I like my women fighters to look like men or Ellen DeGeneres.

Anyway, the time had come for the Kimbo Slice fight. His original opponent was a 44-year-old fighter named Ken Shamrock that used to be one of the toughest guys in UFC and went on to fake wrestle in the WWE. Shamrock hadn’t won a fight in something like six years and is considered washed up. Sadly instead of watching that would be bloodbath, Shamrock was not allowed to fight because he opened up a cut while training that morning that required medical attention. So it left the organization scrambling to fill that slot and found a guy named Seth Petruzelli who was scheduled to not even be on the show but on the undercard before the event went televised. Petruzelli ended up knocking out the internet sensation and what a lot of people were calling the toughest man on the planet in 14 seconds.

However that isn’t the best thing about it. On Seth’s MySpace page he says that he is a “goofy homo” and is a fan of the cock. (not that there is anything wrong with that) Here is a selection of pictures from his photo album:

The thing is there has been very little coverage of his sexuality because in this big tough world of fighting the last thing that these organizations want released to the public and to your less than open-minded fan base is that the “toughest man in the world” got knocked out by a guy that wears nipple clamps on occasion.

If I were this organization I would be putting a microphone in front of this guy and have him say that the fight was FABULOUS in the biggest lisp ever. (even though he doesn’t talk that way) Every redneck would be paying through the nose to watch the rematch and plus you would draw the GLBT crowd in a major way. But alas they don’t have the balls to market it this way making MMA even lamer.
Who wouldn’t want a gay “toughest guy on the planet”?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

38 Responses to “Why MMA is the lamest thing ever”

  1. Em Em says:

    My brother did two MMA fights, they were hard to watch. He’s a nationally ranked wrestler (the ringworm kind)and his sponsors actually made him give up the MMA stuff, apparently, they don’t like having their guys participate because of the injury risks. His first fight was in a podunk town in our state, lots of skinheads at the bar (which made for an uncomfortable hour before the fight until a bunch of people showed up)- none of them were gay- I SOOO wish one of the fighters would have been gay and the toughest guy in the room to see the skinheads squirm a little more (they already didn’t love it when my brother won)- it would have made the night even better.

  2. Melissa says:

    When NASCAR became popular I recognized it for what it is, a bunch of rednecks driving around in a circle for people that have an IQ of a squeezable ketchup bottle and who find watching paint dry entertaining. I’m sorry but watching moving billboards chase each other with the potential of a horrible crash isn’t my idea of a good time.

    I love you. Seriously.

    But on the gay front, Iron Mike had the most unmanly voice ever and his sexuality was never really in question, sot his guy could have the basso rumbling of the background vocalist from the Oakridge Boys. Yes, that was a bad, bad reference. Even I am wincing.

  3. As a native (and, after a long time away) current resident of Philly, I feel like I should respond to your dis of my city’s football fans. However…people around here are always complaining about not winning championships, and even claiming there’s been a curse on the city ever since the first skyscraper went above William Penn’s hat in the 80’s (long story). Nonetheless, when I point out “well, maybe if Philly fans didn’t boo their own top players so that they decide to leave,” what do I get but “they deserve it….”?

  4. Meghan says:

    I would hate to see the beauty getting pounded in the face (insert BJ joke here).

    They could hold the rematch, it would either result in a riot in the streets, or a giant love-in seeing as I think most of the current fans are already repressed homosexuals.

    • It would explain their love of men rolling around and touching each other.

      • Meghan says:

        It might be entertaining when someone breaks their nose walking into a door drunk. Not so much watching them get their faced smashed in.

        Men loving to watch other men, conquer other men while half naked? How Man-tastic of them. You just know if somebody in the crowd yelled out ‘Fuck ‘em!’ someone else would yell back ‘Yeah! Fuck ‘em’!.

  5. marcie says:

    thank you for the pictures….although disturbing lol….he did an interview online saying he IS NOT GAY this just helped me clear it up haha…

    i never heard of either one of these bozo’s untill the fight..im with you on how stupid that shit is to watch

    • I guess some of the gay remarks on his MySpace page were removed. Even if he isn’t or if he is hiding it… the premise is still damn funny.

      • Keefe says:

        Seth is married, so he’s either screwing around or swings both ways.

        I’m a fan of mma, so I’ll give it a bit of a defense here. While most people find the grappling (the gay shit where guys are rolling around), I liken it more to a chess match than the chaos that the casual channel-flipper sees. I do mma as a hobby, and have a healthy respect for the skill level that is necessary to compete at the highest levels. When matches seem boring on the ground without a lot going on, the guys involved are usually both extremely skilled.

        It’s not a sport for everyone, especially if you like lots of action in the form of striking (kicking, punching, knees). Still, the guys who compete at the highest levels probably shouldn’t be likened to WWE wrestlers. Guys who compete at mma at the highest aren’t just tough-guy goofs. They’ve trained very hard and are very good at what they do.

        I enjoy the competition of mma and grappling which is why I participate (I originally started with my sons to keep them in shape after wrestling season). While I’m a lowly nobody amateur, I can easily submit (have my opponent tap out) any young tough guy who walks through our doors to try it out. I mean, it’s rare that it’ll take me 30 seconds regardless of a guy’s size or strength.

        I’m not saying that to prove my toughness or beat my chest (like I said, I’m a nobody). It’s only to demonstrate the skill level necessary to compete.

        By the way, Kimbo never had a chance in that fight. He’s a street thug clown who was facing a legitimate fighter. Seth will never hold a belt, but he has enough skill to be a one-dimensional guy like Kimbo. That fight was over before it started.

        • Keefe says:

          Oops. Please excuse a couple of my typos above.

          Just wanted to add that while we have several women training at our gym, I really don’t care to watch women beating the crap out of each other, either.

  6. Erin Happycamper says:

    I’m scared just by the last two pictures you selected for this blog. You are a sick and twisted man, btw!

  7. Erin Happycamper says:

    I call bull-$hite on that last one.

    “once you read it, you can’t unread it!” –your words, my man.

    You know, you were the one that taught me what a donkey punch and a strawberry shortcake are. There some of my youthful innocence I can’t recover! ROFLMAO!

  8. Tori says:

    I personally love his nipple clamps. But that’s just me.

    More nipple clamps, less words!

  9. Darcie says:

    Men do martial arts (any form) because they are scared of getting beat up. I refuse to date men associated with any martial art.

  10. James says:

    How did you miss Gus Johnson calling the knockout “the most incredible victory in the history of mixed martial arts”? That should’ve set you off right away.

    Because you missed that, YOU SUCK!!!!

    • Honestly my brain went numb watching the guy with pink hair run around the ring and laughing to myself that I just watched a company go completely out of business because of one fight.

      • James says:

        I KNOW!!!!

        You know UFC guy Dana White cackled with delight when he saw that. Dan Wetzel for Yahoo Sports wrote all about this fight and all the issues about the replacement, money, bonus’ etc etc etc. Look it up.

        Its all good, hockey season has officially started. Fuck all these fringe sports.

        You dont suck as much today but you still suck

  11. Hold the presses!
    Philly sports fans have redeemed themselves!

  12. Kate says:

    My brother is into this MMA crap and he got a staph infection on his leg from the mats. It was disgusting! It took lots of drugs to clear that junk up.

  13. Aram says:

    After looking all over the internet, I have finally found a half intelligent discussion where I wasn’t the only MMA-disliking minority. Quite difficult to find, what with the strangely violent and rude fanbase and all, but well worth it. I’m a bit of a hobby martial artist myself, as I have been studying Shaolin Kung Fu since age 5 (I have trained under buddhist monks), and I can tell you, it is not for fear of being beaten up, as was said above. I have always thought of it as an art, like painting, or music, and for physical exercise. What gets me is that I was always taught that fighting in general, you know, hurting people, especially for fun and profit, was slightly unethical. Even with all my dedication, I meet MMA people, and they treat my 20 years of shaolin training like nothing, and whats worse, they talk down to me while wearing sleeveless shirts and pajama pants, asking me to step into “the cage” (WTF, yeah, like I want to be thrown into a cage and hurt someone I don’t know). I can’t go anywhere without seeing and hearing about this new fad, and frankly I’m sick of it. I am sick of the endless self-masturbatory youtube videos talking about how MMA kills all other other martial arts (Sure, pick on the buddhists), how every bar and grill has saturday night UFC nights, and I just have to say this: If you really want “ultimate” fighting, get rid of the rounds, get rid of the rules, and fight to the death, however, both Kung Fu and MMA both agree that this is too brutal (though kung fu doesn’t even, for the most part, have tournaments or competitions because violence for personal goals is frowned upon), so I guess its not really “ultimate” is it? And regards to the jujitsu(the rolling around on the ground “humping” part), it is a legitimate combat system developed for use against ARMORED SAMURAI, not people in boxing gloves, wearing no shirts. So, in short: chess game, yes,really stretched from its original intent and boring to watch, also yes.

  14. Zack says:

    All this hatin on MMA. I train MMA and i have hair, no tats and i go to college and am becoming a teacher. Its just like nascar how you think everyone is a redneck. Not everyone in MMA is a meathead. Oh yeah i live in Montana so im a redneck too ha. Plus i could probably beat you up, but i have morals and i train for love of competition and the discipline and the ladies like the bod too.

    peace & piracy

  15. I would have to get a dish… but I am moving in like 6 weeks probably so that isn’t going to be worth it.

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