Now I should come clean and say right off the bat that I have never snorted coke nor done it off the ass of a stripper or hooker. But a shitload of people have never played professional baseball yet write about it every single day. So why can’t I write about this?
Here is what you need to do:
1) Procure the illegal narcotic
To obtain cocaine you need to find a place where young, money hungry, business type people hang out. I understand if you buy it in the ghetto that it is usually what people refer to as “crack” cocaine. For the purposes of this exercise crack cocaine will not work.
2) Procure the woman
There are multiple places where you can find the proper female counterpart for this. Due to the use of illegal narcotics you may want to avoid any upscale adult gentlemen’s clubs because they may frown upon it there (well except to fuel the girl) so if you are interested in a stripper you may want to hire one through a private service. Instead you should turn towards Craigslist or any bar that is run down and still uses the word “lounge” in it. The lounge usually is near a motel or has a poorly lit parking lot.
3) Make sure you have the rest of the proper equipment
In the movies people are always cutting up cocaine with a credit card or a playing card so I supposed you will need that. Also in the movies they use mirrors but since you are going to be doing it off the ass of a girl you will not need to get a small handheld mirror.
Additionally you may need money to roll up so you can snort it. (It is more of a style issue.) Usually the dollar bill is the way to go but I think depending on how you want to present yourself you would want to change the denomination. If you really want to be a true player I would recommend getting a hundred dollar bill. Nothing says class like running some pure Columbian coke past the ongoing gaze of Benjamin Franklin.
4) Apply the cocaine
There are a few different ways you can go on about this depending on your economic status and the amount of blow you have.
If you are swimming in product you can go the Jack Nicholson route from “The Departed” and liberally toss it around. Much like you toss flour at the vagina of a morbidly obese woman to see where to insert your penis. (Although I have never done that I have read about it on Richard Simmons’ Blog.) You don’t need to be accurate and the girl doesn’t need to be in any specific position because you are going with the “throw it at the wall and see what sticks” method.
For the other half with meager economic means you will have to make sure the target is bent over in a preferred location. From there you will dabble the line of cocaine onto the ass in a spot where it will remain steady long enough for you to partake. You want to look for a flat location and not the back curve.
5) Snort away like an anteater
Depending on how the narcotic is applied you may just go in for the snort or go with the rolled up dollar bill. Really it is a choice of style. Using the dollar bill is like drinking tea with your pinkie sticking out, classy. Going right in for the snort is a very animal type reaction and visceral.
Now you have completed your conquest and probably will have trouble looking at yourself in the mirror for at least 5-8 days.
How many people are going to be doing this tonight?