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OJ Simpson Can’t Go To Jail

By: Bobby Finstock on 10/6/08 @ 7:44 am

The worst thing ever happened on Friday. OJ Simpson was found guilty in his trial in Las Vegas. Personally I am a big fan of vengeance, comeuppance, and people getting what they deserve but not in OJ’s case. In fact OJ going to jail is such a dream crusher that it saddens me.

You see OJ represented the fact that if you have money and fame you could do whatever the hell you wanted. Murder, armed robbery, threats, screwing former Playboy models, and golfing while looking for the “real killers” in a mocking way that upsets all the families of the people you killed are all things that are fun to get away with. But now we see that no matter what you do it will eventually catch up with you, which sucks.

I liked to know that if I ever got rich and famous that I could get away with anything. Having that taken away from me sullies the dream of getting loaded and living above the law. My hit list of everyone that has ever wronged me (and that dick from the delivery service that didn’t bring my 2 liter mountain dew on Saturday is now on the top of the list) is now gone, tossed because I know I can’t just buy my way out of it.

Forget the financial crisis, the war in Iraq, and the general down spin our country is facing. This is the most important thing we need to be worried about, without a sociopath celebrity running around responsible with fueling our idea that the rich and powerful can get away with anything what are we going to do? We need someone to take this baton from OJ and run with it.

Here are a few people I would like to see step up and represent.

Rosie O’Donnell

We get to bust a few different glass ceilings here with it being a woman and a lesbian. This would be amazing because it would be flipping the exploitation of power onto a whole new demographic which is good. Although when she returns to “The View” and murders Elizabeth Hasselbeck and gets away with it I don’t see a major backlash.

Eddie Murphy

He needs to jumpstart his career and being a wisecracking murderer that got away with it might just do that. Or a new standup special that returns him to the world of adult humor. Actually I would rather just have him knock someone off, his sarcastic interviews about looking for the “real killers” would potentially be hilarious.

Dick Cheney

He already shot someone in the face and got away with it. Why not step it up a notch? We need to be able to keep tabs on him after this administration is over. What better way would that be than watching him get out of a murder trial. I am thinking the murder of a transvestite hooker.

Miley Cyrus

From the age standpoint and the generational standpoint there is no better pick. Plus a little tarnish to her image will be a good thing. Well I should say additional tarnish besides lame cell phone picks with her attempting to act slutty. We need a real reason to dislike her. It would be great to be able to fear and respect someone that weighs less than 80 pounds.

Who do you think should replace OJ as the celebrity killer at large?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

21 Responses to “OJ Simpson Can’t Go To Jail”

  1. Vince says:

    Well now that he is going to be in jail he can really buckle down and find who really killed his ex wife and Ron Goldman. I mean he’s going to have plenty of time on his hands.

    Or he can spend time on the web looking for more of his sports memorabilia so that he knows where to go after he gets out to go get it back.

  2. Em Em says:

    Somehow it wouldn’t surprise me if it turned out to be Martha Stewart- she seems like the murdering type. But then, she didn’t get away with inside trading so I guess she couldn’t beat a murder rap. I guess I got nothin then.

  3. clientsideshow bob says:

    I agree that it should be Miley Cyrus, of Future Whores of America. I think she is going to turn 18, get gang raped and pull a Jodie Foster in The Brave One. But, her millions of Disney-based fans will talk up her positives and it will suddenly become a “justified” type situation. Verdict: Respect the house of mouse, and beware the cast of HSM.

  4. conundrum says:

    I so love that picture of The “Dick” Cheney. It so perfectly represents him…it is like visual onomatopoeia.

  5. Meghan says:

    Whats an ‘onomatopoeia’?

    My current obsession with character Don Draper is responsible for my my nomination..not actor Jon Hamm, Don Draper. That man can do no wrong.

  6. James says:

    YOU SUCK!!!!

  7. Jeff says:

    Hmmm. This is an interesting conundrum. If I could pick one celebrity to off somebody and become the new poster child for Deep Pockets Immunity, I’d have to say it would be Vince Vaughn.

    Although if I had to pick a celebrity I think is going to end up killing somebody and get his sorry ass immediately thrown in jail forever, it’s Tom Sizemore. That guy is a homicide waiting to happen.

  8. Jack D says:

    I think Emanuelle Lewis’ career could use a spaqrk…

  9. Ally says:

    Im all for Miley, but if that doesnt work out, my vote is for Betty White!

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