Secret Societies Just Ain’t What They Used To Be
I was driving around town aimlessly the other day pondering my existence and why I love cool whip more than whipped cream. On the radio was an ad for the Free Masons and an open house they are running in all their Boston chapters on October 18th. They even promoted a website called askafreemason.org where people could go and learn more about the “secret society”. (The masons contend they aren’t a secret society but I would debate that point. Maybe they aren’t completely secret but really just super vague.)
Hearing this commercial was funny and sad at the same time for me. I mean if our secret societies are running ads to get people interested in them where are we heading? Are we just not into joining organizations or groups, I know I don’t really belong to any. In a few years am I going to be unable to buy Girl Scout Cookies because there will be like two Scouts in my entire town? We can’t let that happen. I need my shortbread cookies damn it.
I am afraid that people just don’t care about participating in external organizations.
So in order to preserve these organizations I have decided to share my marketing skills and help the Free Masons really drive memberships. Here are some of the points I think they should bring up in their marketing literature instead of this honor and secrecy bullshit.
-Every Friday night is just like Eyes Wide Shut
Masked orgies with ridiculously hot naked women…. This would lead to the largest mass sign up of all time. In fact they might actually have to reject people, not that their standards are all that high.
Requirements to join:
- You are an adult male (18 or older) of good character and recommended by a Massachusetts Mason.
- You believe in a Supreme Being - no atheist or agnostic can become a Mason - but we are not concerned with theological distinctions or your particular religious beliefs.
- You are interested in becoming a Mason because you hold a favorable opinion of our institution; and, your decision to apply is based on your own “free will and accord” - no one compelled you to join.
As long as you are over 18, weren’t kidnapped, and believe in god you are set. It is harder to join the military at this point and they would accept any warm body.
-If you join before 2009 you can participate in a high end murder that we cover up!
Allegedly the Masons have been involved in some high end murders in their history including some in Italy that are documented. So I am banking they have their hands dirty in the Kennedy assassination, we’ve blamed everyone else why not? I have a feeling that they are going to be responsible for the death of Michael Cera, saving us from Michael Cera just playing Michael Cera in every movie for the rest of his life. Which would be the same career projection of Michael Rapaport.
-Goat Masks and Leather Chaps!
What is more fun than doing things in goat masks and leather masks? Nothing I say…. nothing.
So who is ready to become a Freemason?
Secret Societies Just Ain’t What They Used To Be…
I mean if our secret societies are running ads to get people interested in them where are we heading? Are we just not into joining organizations or groups, I know I don’t really belong to any. In a few years am I going to be unable to ……
screw the free masons. i want my thin mints. save the girl scouts….everyone except r. kelly. piss flavored thin mints are not cool to eat. not that i should know…
I will save the girl scouts… it is my mission in life.
The Freemasons and shriners in Kansas have taken it one step further. They have a “All the way in one day” program where you literally go through all of the steps and become a shriner. Other shriners look down on it because these guys clearly aren’t putting in the same level of dedication and effort but it was an ingenius way to get some young blood into their organizations.
You have to be a freemason before you can be a shriner. So, if you want to save your parades that have big men scrunched into little cars, join now!
I think I need to sign up
I tried to be a Freemason but I backed out…they are creepy…and almost like Scientology. I know it’s a funny piece but I needed to be serious for a second..
So that didn’t work out for you?
Would it work for you?
Michael Rapaport!! Now I left with his True Romance performance in my head ‘All I got is Fucking Floyd!’. And I want cookies.
Wait, what? Oh yeah, fuck the Freemasons and their ritualistic crap. Too many men meeting in secret lodges. Sounds like a circle jerk.
That might have been the peak of his career
well, I am already tecnically part of the Masonic Family.
There are other organizations other than the Masons. For example when i was younger i was in Job’s Daughters which is an organization for girls 11-20 and is based on the book of job in the bible. And in order to be a memeber you must be related to a Mason that will sponsor your memebership…although I think it was a really positive experiance. and most of the girls ended up as my drinking buddies.
oh and the shriners, the guys with funny hats that ride go-carts through parades, are also part of the masonic family.
I fear you
Besides the fact that a woman can’t join, I wouldn’t anyway. I don’t follow rules and I generally don’t like hanging with strangers as it is. However, the leather mask (minus the goat idea) makes me purr. Nice piece.
Rules… rules suck
Dude, aren’t goat masks and goat leggings requirements for PAGANS? People Against Goodness And Normalcy? Just ask the Virgin Connie Swail.
Oh, you said leather chaps. Please disregard.
Joe Friday: “Prepare the virgin”? I don’t like the sound of that.
Pep Streebeck: Let’s just hope they’re not referring to you.
A good Dragnet reference goes a long way.
The Jewes are the ones who will not be blamed for nothing. Oh and for the record, I get it on with hot naked chicks every night. Usually after murder conspiracies and whilst wearing an obligatory goat mask. You have to do these sort of things when you run a cult, you know.
True… cult leaders bang all the hots chicks