"Maybe it was a dream, you know, a very weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet,
detailed dream. Maybe we have malaria."


I would like a vanilla milkshake with breast milk from a brunette please

By: Bobby Finstock on 09/26/08 @ 9:47 am

When it comes to PETA I can really take or leave them. I get their passion and they do stand up for some good causes but once and awhile they just cross that line from reasonable discourse to a complete WTF moment. They did it again the other day with a request to Ben & Jerry’s to move away from using cow milk in their ice cream to human breast milk.

PETA cited a Swiss restaurant that switched their dairy products to human breast milk and the raving success it has been. PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman says. “Everyone knows that ‘the breast is best,’ so Ben & Jerry’s could do consumers and cows a big favor by making the switch to breast milk.”

At first I really looked down on the idea but I could be wrong. Maybe there could be great benefits to this program?

First of all think of all the mothers they would be able to employee. Instead of having cows hooked up to crazy milking devices they could have stay at home moms or other women looking for a career change. Sitting around and watching “The View” while having your breasts drained has to be vastly superior to whatever else they could be doing. (Mind you they would have to be paid minimum wage to keep the cost of ice cream down.) The presidential candidates talk about change and jump-starting our faltering economy, this could be it! I guess we really could prime the pump literally.

Think about the options you could have when ordering various products. We all know that chocolate milk comes from brown cows so it would logically mean that African American breast milk is chocolate. (Which explains the case of high heart disease rates for that race.) This program would reach across racial lines and get everyone involved! It has affirmative action naturally built right into it! No political wrangling needed!

So does that mean whole milk would be overweight women, 2% for women under a certain weight, 1% for slightly thinner, and skim from waifs and/or heroin addicts?

Cows can be freed from giving up their milk and doing more important things like grazing, walking through their own shit, and doing whatever else cows do. Really the comfort of the cows is the most important thing here. Ignore how this idea is completely illogical and impractical idea that we can somehow get enough breast milk to produce a major percentage of our dairy products.

We need to think about the cows.

Now that I have thought about it a bit maybe this is a horrible idea. I mean I like the movie “Lactation Nation” as much as anyone but this is going a bit far.

Doesn’t PETA just shoot themselves in the foot every time they do something like this?

(Note: Here is the description of Lactation Nation according to a video site: “Milk and sex are two great tastes that go together like milk and cookies. It is as it should be: give a squirt, take a squirt. The sex in the Lactation Nation is wet… dripping wet… with sweet milk and cum mixed together. Yes, it’s sloppy and it features some of the best lactating scenes in Totally Tasteless Video history. If you like leaky tits, this tape is for you.”)

How it didn’t win the best picture Oscar in 1992 I will never know.

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

3 Responses to “I would like a vanilla milkshake with breast milk from a brunette please”

© 2008 Pointless Banter - All Rights Reserved || Designed: E.Webscapes || Social Media Consulting: Comedy Central Sound