Projectile Vomiting Your Way to Happiness
My 8 month old baby boy has a very interesting way of letting his mother and I know when he isn’t a fan of a new flavor of baby food we’re trying out on him. Some babies frown, others pout, maybe even cry when they don’t like their new food. Well, not mine. He’s decided that the best way for him to get his point across…is to projectile vomit.
That’s right folks, we’re not talking spit-up here, we’re talking full-on Exorcist-style projectile vomit.
It’s like this, except, um, instead of a pumpkin it’s my son
We really should know better by now, because he usually fires a warning shot: after the first spoonful, he will make a face and gag. But we stupidly soldier on, thinking that if only he gives it a chance it will be his new favorite treat. Then, on the second spoonful, his face will turn red and he’ll start to dry heave. There’s a pregnant pause…his mother and I beg him not to puke it up, trying to convince him using chirping baby voices that it’s yuuuumy. But this portly drama queen will have nothing of it, and let’s loose with a gush of old formula and baby food.
Oh, and he’s just fine after that. He smiles and coos as if nothing happened. It’s Mrs. Donk and I who suffer, as we spend the next 20 minutes washing him down and cleaning up pools of vomit from every crevice of his high chair. It’s a real pain in the ass for us, but maybe the kid has hit on something here. If he sticks with it, maybe he can use this method to his advantage as he grows up. Can you imagine the power of projectile vomit in solving some of the following situations?
- Bullied at school? A touch of puke should do the trick.
- That pesky work presentation you have to make? Blow chunks while making it.
- Run in to an old high school classmate who goes on and on and on? Spray vomit on their new shirt.
- Prostate exam? Upchuck on doc’s gloved finger.
- Stuck at a boring party with your spouse’s “work friends?” Spike the punch with your bile-juice.
Say, Baby Donk may have something here. Starting tomorrow, I’m using vomit to show my displeasure and solve all of my problems!
On 09/12/08 at 9:16 pm
Melissa said:
Don’t knock it ’til you try it. My brother was a pro at puking on command, it got us out of paying for dinner at a restaurant one night (my Uncle forgot his wallet and we were flat broke). Kid puked on the table and they apologized up one side and down the other and let us go, gratis.
On 09/13/08 at 4:21 pm
Karl Rove said:
And don’t forget that it’s a good way to lose weight too!
Actually, it reminds me of the time I got the flu when I was a kid. I puked in my sleep without waking up. I woke to my parents cleaning the puke out of my bed. They still think that I did it because I just didn’t want to get out of bed.
On 09/13/08 at 8:39 pm
matty said:
It still isn’t better than puking and shitting at the same time, a la me on New Years Eve a few years back.
On 09/14/08 at 11:38 pm
Michele said:
a few years ago a friend of mine took his five year old son to see motocross. Apparently, they had an area set up for kids his age to ride some smaller version of these bikes and his dad wouldn’t let him get on them. So when they got home the little boy was telling us all about it and when he got to the part about his dad not letting him ride the bikes he announces “so I shit my pants so he’d have to bring me home” Ever since then, whenever I’m in a place I don’t want to be in I think, maybe I should just shit myself and make someone take me home. I make have to consider vomiting now.
On 09/15/08 at 12:22 am
supernik said:
lol! this is great!!!! i am grateful to never have experienced this…