I usually don’t write about politics. While I pay attention to what is going on and am an avid news watcher/reader I just stay out of it. However over the last few weeks I have begun to feel like I am watching a high school drama, there has been little talk about issues and more like a race to see who is going to be prom king. So I decided to watch movies by a man that understood High School better than anyone on the planet, John Hughes. After watching a shit load of films staring Molly Ringwald and company I have determined who fits what roles.
Barak Obama is Ferris Bueller (Ferris Beuller’s Day Off)
Ferris Bueller is liked by a lot of his classmates. Most of his classmates have no real concrete reason for liking him, they just do. I kind of feel the same way about Barak Obama, when you ask people why they like him you hear very little substance why. Both are slick and smooth and I imagine Obama could pull off being Abe Froman, Sausage King of Chicago. Plus they both live in Illinois so that has to count for something.
Joe Biden is Brian Johnson (Breakfast Club)
Brian Johnson at the end of the movie is the only one that doesn’t leave with a new girlfriend and is stuck writing the essay for Principal Vernon. I kind of feel like Biden is just left behind and forgotten compared to the other principles in the election. He is pretty much an afterthought like Brian.
McCain is Principal Richard Vernon (Breakfast Club)
Old, crotchety, and not well liked by younger people McCain matches up with Vernon well. I can imagine him saying the following:
Richard Vernon: You think about this: when you get old, these kids – when *I* get old – they’re going to be running the country…Now this is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night. That when I get older, these kids are going to take care of me.
I think Vernon would be so scared at those kids running the country he would try to stay in power to the bitter end.
Sarah Palin is Lisa (Weird Science)
You know somewhere McCain and his staff sat around like Anthony Michael Hall and Ilan Mitchell-Smith. with bras on their heads trying to create a perfect woman to run with him. Palin is a lot like Lisa, it just seems like she came out of nowhere and is everything her masters want. (well except the ethics violations and the knocked up kid) Plus I would tap that ass much like I would the young Kelly LeBrock.
The only place where the comparison fails is the accent. Lisa has that naughty british accent that somehow makes me want to sleep with Super Nanny. And Palin sounds like Francis McDormand in Fargo.
Howard Dean is The Geek (16 Candles)
Another Democrat and another Anthony Michael Hall reference. Dean just reminds me of a guy that would have to ask a woman to borrow their panties so he could show it to his friends, I don’t know why but I just get that feeling about him.
Michelle Obama is Tia Russell (Uncle Buck)
You kind of don’t like her at first. Some think she is miserable because she allegedly isn’t proud of this country. (I love how both sides can take a sound bite and manipulate it. You know like a pig wearing lipstick.) But in the end you come around on her and she isn’t so bad. Plus both have dated men with odd names… Barack for Michelle and Bug for Tia.
Cindy McCain is Caroline Mulford (16 Candles)
Caroline is the prom queen girlfriend of Jake in Sixteen Candles. Blond, good looking, WASPY, and believes that she shits gold… all three qualities that I think Cindy McCain has except she has way more houses that Caroline.
Bristol Palin is Kristy Briggs (She’s Having a Baby)
Yeah I think the title of the movie sums up the comparison. Except for one wasn’t going to be a shotgun wedding.
George W. Bush is Long Duk Dong (16 Candles)
They both butcher the English language and seem clueless half the time you see them. And I can imagine George rolling over and saying to Laura, “No more yankie my wankie. The Donger need food.”
Has American Politics officially become a crappy episode of Laguna Beach or a bad John Hughes Movie?