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How much is that doggie in the window?

By: Bobby Finstock on 09/10/08 @ 9:39 am

This post over at Eve-101 reminded me of a story that I don’t think I have ever written about. When I was little my mother used a leash on me when we went to large public places. I had a tendency to wander off and also I had no fear of strangers, which I guess is a bad combination. (How I didn’t end up in a van with a guy offering me free candy is beyond me.)

When we were out in California one year visiting my Uncle in California we went to Disneyland. My Mom and Aunt had to use the restroom so they left me in charge with my Uncle.

Now my Uncle has a reputation for pulling stunts on my mom. Long before there was Punk’d there was my family. One time when my mom went to visit my Uncle he had his friend Spike (a former NFL Defensive Lineman) dress up as a monk in a giant hooded robe. When my mom arrived at the airport and got off the plane Spike followed directly behind her with his face covered mumbling weird chants. It was kind of freaking my mother out but she just kept walking. He kept getting closer to her before he got right up behind her. My mom was panicking at his point and wondering what to do. Spike kept the odd chant going and then threw in, “Ummmm… (my mom’s name) is here in California to get laid.”

Of course it took my mom a second. She wondered why the monk knew her name and why he was saying inappropriate things.

Anyway… Back to the story. So with my mom and my aunt in the bathroom I was left in my uncle’s care. I was on the leash and he decided to take this opportunity to have me do dog tricks. Sit up, beg, roll over, speak…

Being the attention whore that I am I lapped it up. I was doing everything on command and was even building a little crowd. Well the little crowd turned into a larger crowd and people were clapping and laughing.

When my mom exited the bathroom she noticed a massive crowd around the bench where my uncle and I had been sitting. This scared the ever-living shit out of her, she wondered if something had happened to me. If I had fallen, gotten injured, or choked on whatever treat I was eating. She fought through the thick crowd only to find me doing tricks and people applauding.

Needless to say the leash was shortly retired after that.

Did your parents use a leash on you or do you use a leash on your kids?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

20 Responses to “How much is that doggie in the window?”

  1. Carolyn says:

    that is fucking priceless

  2. Caroline says:

    That is an awesome story . . . attention whore.

  3. Isha says:

    hahahaha that was great! Attention whore at such a young age, who would have thought….lol.

  4. Natalie says:

    Before i had my son, i thought that they were cruel. Like, how could anyone treat their child like an animal? Of course post-kid i saw the brilliance behind it. But i never used one, and Disneyland was a nightmare without it.

  5. Em Em says:

    My daughters have long ponytails, I don’t need leashes, hahaha. And after the Katt Williams bit on kid leashes I I now find much entertainment in them.

  6. matty says:

    I needed a leash for my ex to keep her from turning tricks.

  7. Branwyn says:

    My youngest daughter has ADHD in BIG way. When she was about 4, maybe 3, we took her to the fair. When we got out of the car we took her picture, for later indentification purposes, and I warned her that I had a leash in my pocket. Which I did. I told her if we had to go after her once, we’d put the leash on her. I told her if we had to show the picture to security, I’d beat her with the leash! (ok, I’m kidding. I would never beat my child in front of witnesses! how dumb would that be? jeez) However, she’s now 11 and your story is exactly what I need the next time we go in public!! You should write a parenting book! LOL

  8. Jay says:

    My mom used to use the leash all the time. She finally had to stop when my little brother found out how to take the strap off his wrist and wrap it around the clothes rack at K-Mart. Funniest sight ever: watching mom walking down the aisles of K-Mart attached to a rack of little boy pants.

  9. bishop says:

    I would pay money to see some one do that. That had awesome wrote all over it. Do you have any pictures of this that would make it all the better?

  10. Your other uncle says:

    …and folks, that’s only the half of it…ladies, he still uses that leash (for obvious reasons)

  11. Your other uncle says:

    …and what were you looking for on Eve-101 ?

  12. JT says:

    Priceless. Now I just have to wait for one of my nephews to get big enough…

  13. Melissa says:

    My parents had a better leash than any bit of nylon and plastic – fear. I, however, lacked the ability to terrify my son into staying near me. When we traveled to visit family overseas and he went running off in a crowded market and all the people laughed and applauded (read got in my way while enjoying the happy brat) I ended up carrying him back to where we were staying – over a mile away. After that I invested in a leash.

    • Jeremy says:

      You listened to them, and he doesn’t listen to you. Sounds like you havn’t scared him enough. Try a belt early on. You don’t even have to touch the kid. Snap it loud enough and have the crazy look going and they’ll learn to listen.

      • Alejandro says:

        The fear or future pain is more terrifing that the actual pain.
        I use that whenever i need to, with kids and adults a like:)

      • Melissa says:

        Mine employed actual pain since I was ballsy enough to push the envelope. The kid…I was always too scared to do anything massive out of fear of doing real damage. Now that he’s a teenager he’s probably the best behaved of any of the kids in his class, which is pretty frightening.

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