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Take your promise ring and jam it up your ass

By: Bobby Finstock on 09/8/08 @ 9:49 am

I didn’t watch the MTV Video Music Awards last night because I have taste in music and football was on. However this morning I was reading about the event and some of the backlash that host Russell Brand ran into last night because he made fun of the teen sensation Jonas Brother’s promise rings.

Now far be it from me to tell anyone how to live his or her life. If you want to wait until marriage to have sex, so be it. I don’t profess to know what is going to make you happy and what isn’t. However when it is used as part of a marketing mix for an artist… well then I have a problem. There is nothing worse than throwing the pledge of waiting until marriage into everything written about a budding star because the people behind them want the parents of their fans to feel safe about their kids desire for the artist. Whatever happened to parents loathing the artists their kids follow because their sexuality? You know this comment was made in the 50s, “Honey if you watch Elvis gyrate you may or may not get pregnant with Negro babies.”

Basically because Joe Jonas wears a promise ring you feel safe that your daughter won’t be attempting to ride a bedpost lubed up with Jonas Brothers branded KY Jelly.   In your mind you hear promise ring and think “wholesome” and then move on with your life. The same goes for sexed up teenage female pop singers, you hear “waiting for marriage” and don’t think of them as strumpets but as powerful young female role models. “Look she is writhing around on that bed for Christ not to attract a male demographic.”

The problem is that nobody looks at this and calls it bullshit. This is just a marketing ploy to make parents feel safe about who their kid is paying attention to. The thing is this whole ploy blew up in one celebrity families face and is about to again.

Example Number One: The Simpson Family
The build up to the Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey wedding was out of control a few years ago. There was a ton of press around their wedding and it ended up turning their relationship into a reality show based on their new marriage. During this buildup Simpson’s father, a former preacher, talked about a pledge his daughter had with God (and him) and that she was saving herself for marriage.

Now mind you this was all during the same time period that Christina Aguilera was dressing like a complete whore and Brittney Spears was dancing around with a snake on stage. Simpson was setting his daughter apart as a wholesome and God fearing pop singer that you could support along with your daughter.

Fast-forward a few years; she is divorced and jumping from guy to guy starring in a remake of the Duke of Hazzard with her in a skimpy outfit as a selling point.

Skip ahead a couple of years past that and his younger daughter is knocked up by a guy who she isn’t married to and is known for having huge pictures of his junk posted on the internet.

Whoops…. Looks like that bond with God is something you really don’t have to live up to huh?

Example Number Two: The Jonas Brothers
Now we have this teen trio that is all over the place. Girls’ crowd arenas, buy anything with their face plastered to it, and generally have taken boy band love to the highest degree.
You get pictures like the cover of Rolling Stone that gives girls the tinge of sexuality but nothing overt. You have Joe in the middle with his shirt being yanked down and a face that says, “I can’t wait to play Nintendo Wii and violate you anally.”

But your daughter’s lust for these boys is okay because they wear promise rings and are waiting for marriage. Like Simpson they have a father that is involved in religion to guide them (because that worked out so well in the previous case) and your girls are totally safe around them.

Of course this is all well and good until the truth comes out. When Miley Cyrus aka Hannah Montana’s cell phone was hacked a few weeks back one of the things that was discovered on it were sexually inappropriate messages and pictures exchanged between her and Nick Jonas (the youngest one). Other rumors have leaked out saying that the whole abstinence thing is a little flexible.

Now you have this incident at the Video Music Awards where the band said they were offended about the comments and even former American Idol winner Jordin Sparks made a comment saying, “I just wanna say, it’s not bad to wear a promise ring because not every guy and a girl wants to be a slut, OK?”

If you have sex you are a slut… Wow.

When did sex become the most vilified thing on the earth but lying about your chastity to sell a few albums became the more honorable way to go?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

36 Responses to “Take your promise ring and jam it up your ass”

  1. Em Em says:

    Seriously- my Mom bought me a promise ring for my highschool graduation. That would be far less funny if I weren’t five months pregnant at the time.

    • Guess it is pretty pointless right about then huh?

      • Em Em says:

        She said it was so I could “start over”. Hahahaha. Ten years later I’m pregnant with our fourth child (same guy) and I still haven’t married him yet- and my Mom has come to grips with the fact that I will get married when I want to and no sooner. (And I lost the ring a long, long time ago).

  2. Carolyn says:

    I hear ya.
    I had a really good point to add but forgot it.
    So, um, kudos or something, especially to

    “If you have sex you are a slut… Wow.

    When did sex become the most vilified thing on the earth but lying about your chastity to sell a few albums became the more honorable way to go?”

  3. chris in canada says:

    “If you have sex you are a slut… Wow.” << love it!

    wiki claims Sparks attends Calvary Community Church in Phoenix, Arizona – my neighbourhood Calvary Communtiy Church apparently has an ultra-Christian following… like Protestants on steroids

    I bet if Sparks lost a few pounds she’d dress like Jessica Simpson and would be popular with every major sports team in Phoenix “HALLELUJAH!”

  4. Carolyn says:

    Aha! So you did turn it into meth

  5. melissa says:

    Who in the hell are the Jonas Brothers?!

  6. john says:

    @melissa – they are not unlike the Wright brothers*, who wore promise rings after their first manned flight.

    * Actually, those two brothers probably banged every woman they could find, after the plane landed. So, in answer to your question, I have no idea.

  7. Amanda says:

    I have to agree with this post.

    BTW, Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are married.

  8. Duane says:

    I’m wondering what the promise is? “I’ll be totally inexperienced when it comes down to actually having sex, making it a joyless and painful process, so that the only time we will have the act is for procreation as God intended.”?

  9. Branwyn says:

    Coming from a slut:

    “Rings don’t plug holes, they just line them with gold”

    I’ve also been called a whore, loose, a floozy, a hussy, and easy. SO, you see, I know what I’m talking about…roflmao!

  10. Patrick D. says:

    I’ve heard that if a girl lets you put it in her pooper, it’s not breaking God’s covenant. Is that still valid? Would it work for the Jonas brothers?

  11. matty says:

    If they took their promise rings and jammed them up their asses, as you recommend in your title, does that not constitute sex? Albeit gay sex, but still…or at least ‘heavy butthole play’…

  12. mallory says:

    A few years ago a friend of mine, John, started dating this girl who wanted to wait till marriage, of course my other friends and I being the sluts we are, didn’t understand how the hell John could be with her that long.. He was a slut too, you see. Come to find out she actually DID let him just do it in her poop shoot till marriage. So I guess that doesnt count.

  13. Chris Wood says:

    3 guys with promise rings? Woo, the party started!

  14. JT says:

    Huh…I always thought that promise rings were cheaper versions of engagement rings to shut women up.

    Also, does polishing the bishop count as sex? Because I feel certain that teenage boys (having been one myself) are probably abusing themselves on a regular basis.

    • Missygail says:

      Well, according to statistics, the ‘promised’ teens don’t think that anal sex or oral sex is actual sex, just because the hymen stays intact means they’ve kept their promise to god.

  15. Missygail says:

    When is the American public (especially the ones with children) going to realize that basically when puberty hits their lil ones are gonna wanna do the nasty?
    No amount of celebrity promise rings, or gold plated chastity belts are going to keep little Jane and Tommy from getting jiggy with it. You can censor all the gyrating in the world, but good old fashion hormones are going to win out every time.
    I just wish we’d wake up and start giving children real sex education, rather than disney channel bubble gum BS.

  16. All this purity crap worked really well for Britney…until everybody found out that *gasp* she was a human being!!! What happens when you put these kids on this pedestal as being the proverbial all American God fearing perfection….they have a looooong way to fall!

    Abstinence only education doesn’t work…neither do promise rings…

  17. Proud Wife and Mama says:

    “If you have sex you are a slut… Wow.”

    This is totally industry fed bullshit. Those idiots were told to respond in this way. Look like a naieve idiot and sell more records.

    “When did sex become the most vilified thing on the earth but lying about your chastity to sell a few albums became the more honorable way to go?”

    Completely agree. couldnt have said it better myself.

    People need to wake the hell up and teach children consequence not promise rings, chastity or abstinence. Having a vow with god, wearing a chastity belt and a promise ring does nothing for the pair who feel that a little oral or anal is not really sex. A few bastard children in the world is not the only issue were facing here. STD’s on the rise because of stupidity and lack of information can and probably will kill some these star stricken, god fearing kids.

  18. marcie says:

    im such a slut…its a shame i missed out on the VMA’s …I was too busy popping birth control pills because i already have 2 kids and dont care for tween music…ever notice the eyes of these boys ALWAYS squinty like they are high…lol

  19. Jacky says:

    “When did sex become the most vilified thing on the earth but lying about your chastity to sell a few albums became the more honorable way to go?”

    Probably around the same time it was deemed “okay” to get knocked up at 16 and 17, as long as you were going to keep the kid and marry the dick who doesn’t know how to use a condom. Can we please just start sterilizing these people now?? I think it would solve a whole lot of present and future problems.

  20. diesel says:

    The other thing that’s messed up about this is… ooh, wait, there’s a “Do You Know the Jonas Brothers?” quiz over on your sidebar! I’m so going to rock this.

  21. timethief says:

    I did some research on abstinence only program ineffectiveness and on how many tax dollars are being poured into it. Federal law establishes a stringent eight-point definition of “abstinence-only education” that requires programs to teach that sexual activity outside of marriage is wrong and harmful—for people of any age. The law also prohibits programs from advocating contraceptive use or discussing contraceptive methods except to emphasize their failure rates. Federal guidelines now define sexual activity to include any behavior between two people that may be sexually stimulating, which could be interpreted as including even kissing or hand-holding. There are three federal programs dedicated to funding restrictive abstinence-only education: Section 510 of the Social Security Act, the Adolescent Family Life Act’s teen pregnancy prevention component and Community-Based Abstinence Education (CBAE). The total funding for these programs is $176 million for FY 2006. It’s insane.

  22. debbie says:

    great blog and dont ya know my time is up here at the brary sigh… I promise nothing but I have had several by the same guy and never married him although we still have love for each other but that remains as a memory.
    pss the brary once to block you Hahahha not a chance!
    see you soon

  23. Angie says:

    That’s what we get for placing more value on entertainment and sports than education and… REALITY. It is an interesting correlation, though, that when parents hated their kids’ music idols, teen pregnancy and crime rates (among other social issues) were lower than current, when parents are busy fawning over their kids’ music idols, JOBROS music playing in the background as they croon to their grandchild produced by their 13-year-old daughter while that grandparent is a mere 26.

    Yeah, I’ve seen that happen, having worked for an OB/GYN, and more than once. So I agree they can shove their promise rings where the sun don’t shine. While abstinence-only education may not work, it’s pretty obvious that more comprehensive sex education doesn’t work that well, either. Here’s a novel idea: After giving these kids sex education, educate them that there will be CONSEQUENCES for their actions and they will be held ACCOUNTABLE for those actions (as in PUNISHMENT, not mommy-coddling and government hand-outs and all your friends ooohhhhing and aaahhhhing over how cute your baby is while you’re secretly thinking about throwing it in the nearest dumpster or flushing it down the school toilet), then STICK TO IT.

    Wonder how quickly the teen pregnancy rate would drop if there were REAL consequences…..

  24. Samelia says:

    I agree. Sex = slut. Yep. That’s how it goes.

    No, that isn’t it at all.

    Having sex, not using protection, being completely un-aware about the dangers and risks of sex, not knowing what is what in the whole situation, that’s a slut. Having sex and getting pregnant because you were too stupid to know that if he comes inside you, and you haven’t had your period within twenty-something or thirty-something days, and you both, and your new baby, ends up with AIDs. That’s being a slut.

    Or dressing up slutty every day of the week, and having your boyfriend ask for sex, and going “I’m not ready” but doing it anyways. That’s being a slut. Need I go on?

    Thanks Jordan Sparks! You educated me farther than Miley Cyrus’ promises go!

  25. Riana Farro says:

    Im A Teenager.
    And I Think You Guys are taking This way To Personally.
    Promise Rings are good. I Have one.
    And im doing just Fine!
    I Dont need Sex with Some random Guy to make me happy!
    The Jonas Brothers are Well Role Models sticking with their Promises.
    Id rather die a Virgin Than Die a Whore.
    Id Rather Die Clean Than Die With An STI.
    Get Where I’m Coming From?

    I Think That If You Are Committing a Promise, You Are Preventing Yourself from all those Harmful diseases.
    Celebrities With Purity Rings Are Awesome. There Should be More Of them.

    people Who Slagg off with Random Guys/Girls are just Nobodys.
    They’re Not Worth Anything.
    True Love Waits. And If They really Love You, Your Partner Will Understand And Wait by Yourside Until You’re Ready.

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