5 More Reasons Why I Should Never Drink Again
Let me recap some of the things that came out of my mouth this weekend while drinking.
5- “There are no such things as STDs.” For some reason saying that phrase at the end of the night in a crowded bar does not endear women to you. Just something to keep in your cap for future reference when you are out drinking… and ladies how is that not a turn on?
4- “I wonder if pudding girl is still in town.” The worst part is I had to explain the story after bringing it up. If cock blocking yourself was an Olympic event I should have the gold by now.
3- “A handful of girls could walk in here that I have pulled out of this bar and slept with and I wouldn’t be able recognize them.” Nothing installs more confidence in the opposite sex than letting them know there is a good chance you might not remember them tomorrow morning.
2- “No I won’t dance with you but I will let you give me a lap dance.” This was said to a former housemate’s ex-girlfriend who proceeded to give me a lap dance in the middle of the bar. A couple of seconds into the song she proceeded to slap me. Being drunk I thought she was fucking around… She danced a little bit more and than slapped me again. I asked her why she did that.
“I know you like that.”
Now… not only did I not enjoy getting cracked in the face in front of my friends in the bar I wasn’t sure how to get rid of the drunk girl that was slapping my face. While a lap dance is better while the stripper is crying (according to the Bloodhound Gang) a lap dance is worse while having hand marks on your face.
Lesson learned: Lap dances are better if they are given my pros. Not drunken ex-girlfriends of people you lived with.
1- “Only whores and sluts that wear black go to the IB.” The IB is the closest thing to a dance club in Geneseo. At 2 am I decided to open the door to my friends bar and shout that at women leaving the IB and walking by.
Time to hop back on the wagon.
Nice job, next time just kick yourself in the crotch and get it over with.
Best comment ever!
Leave it to Fiona. Good call.
I love you FiFi. You never fail to get straight to the point.
I appreciate the fact it took you 3-4 days after the weekend to blog this; no doubt an award winning hangover. I’ve had dreams of Sarah East giving me a slapdance.
Dude, so have I
Seriously, I would love to drink with you, just to be around to hear the hilarious crap you say when you’re drunk. If you’re ever in the Atlanta area, drop me a line….
This kind of explains your amazing track record with the ladies.
Cheers!
Lap dances are better if they are given my pros.
Ya mean BY pros?
A little slap here and there isnt going to hurt you! Sissy:)
I once leapt of the wagon. Then I set fire to the wagon, and scattered its ashes into the sea.
Shortly thereafter, I got a brand new wagon.
In conclusion, then: I eagerly await your next post chronicling your alcohol-fuelled antics.
Maybe you should just wear a shirt with your “instructions” on it:
“Insert alcohol, recieve smart ass comments”
“Insert alcohol, recieve lewd behavior” (although that could be fun…to some of us)
“Insert alcohol, and bend me over……..”
Make sure this is a black t-shirt and that you wear it to the IB.
Ahhhhhhh, to be young again! roflmao
What’s wrong with a little slap and tickle? I thought everyone was down for that.
You should get a shirt that says “There are no such things as STDs.” See, it’s funny if it’s on a t-shirt, and girls like funny guys. However, if you are drunk and slurring while saying it in a crowded bar, girls are more likely to wonder what’s going to come crawling out of your pants. Just a thought. Glad you had a good weekend.
Atta boy! I’ve never wanted you more!
You’re hilarious. Let’s get drunk together.
Now I’ve heard a lot of cheesy pick up lines but I’ve never heard, “there’s no such thing as STDs”. I’m shocked that she didn’t start dry humping you right there in the bar. Gosh some girls just wouldn’t know sexy if it slapped them in the face during a lap dance.
Only 5 huh? Not bad. Last night’s drunken comment:
Gal friends: ‘I want to go to Mexico’
Guy friend: ‘Why, gonna start your own Donkey Show?’
Meghan: ‘Hahahahahahaha! You guys are whores!’
It wasn’t well received.
WOW. nicely done.
It’s ok, just remember that beer goggles is a scientifically proven illness. You can’t help it that you have an illness. It’s not your fault, don’t blame yourself. It’s the illness.
yeah… might be time to take a break from the sauce. either that or practice drunk skills… but that costs a lot of money and friends.
Ahh, Geneseo.