WTF Metallica, WTF?
Metallica peaked with the album …And Justice for All and their talents have been continuing the long, gentle slide towards mediocrity ever since. Yes, I can hear some of you out there asking: Donk, what about the Black album? Here’s what: fuck the Black album. It’s radio-friendly format and enormous success ruined the band, blowing up their egos and making them more concerned with how to top its success then with, ya know, making quality music. Oh yeah, and a lot of the songs on it blow as well (Through the Never anyone?).
The band released two more albums in the 90s, the bloated, noodling Load and the creatively titled collection of B-Side-quality material Reload. Oh, but they weren’t done fucking the corpse of their credibility just yet…not by a longshot. Witness exhibits A, B, and C:
A) Lars reveals the band for the corporate douches they are by going after Napster, even going so far as to testify in front of Congress. Now that’s fuckin Metal!
There’s a 50/50 chance Lars will sue me for posting his likeness on the Internets
B) The guys amazingly approve the release of a damning documentary, Some Kind of Monster, which shows in painstaking detail just how high on their own hype they have become, going so far as to hire a FUCKING LIFE COACH to help them work through their problems…oh yeah, a life coach that hands them song ideas on scraps of paper.
C) Which leads us to the true nadir of Metallica’s plummeting career: St. Anger, an impenetrable album that sounds as if someone just ran a bunch of Pro-Tooled clips through a random song generator. And let’s face it, that’s probably exactly what happened.
So it was with a mild interest that I followed the development of their latest effort, Death Magnetic, which hits stores in September. The guys in the band kept selling it as a return to form, a return to the thrash days, yada yada yada. And with Rick Rubin at the helm it seemed like maybe that was possible. So I admit, my interest was peaked…until I saw the tracklist and discovered that one of the songs on the album is called The Unforgiven III.
The Unforgiven III !!!!!!
WTF Metallica, WTF? Most of you probably were unaware that there was even an Unforgiven II, but oh yes my friends, there is. It’s on Reload. Do yourself a favor: avoid it at all costs. A Threequal song doesn’t exactly give me hope that Metallica is “heading in a new direction” and “reinventing itself.” It does reassure me though that the rest of the album “probably blows.” So my hopes for the new album are dashed (plus their new single is horrid) and it appears Metallica is truly finished as a creative force.
But, as long as they’re rehashing old songs, I figured I’d give them some ideas for sequels to their old songs. Check it out:
Two
Sadder But Truer
Nothing Else Matter II: Electric Boogaloo
Alternative Fuel
Master of Puppets II: The Puppetmaster’s Revenge
Exit Sandman
St. Patrick
Oh, and Lars, if you use any of these titles without my permission, I’ll sue your Danish ass.
Mmmmm…danishes…
mmmmm…swedishes
It’s a crying shame….. I’m here for the danish.
OK, I laughed so hard at “Nothing Else Matter II: Electric Boogaloo” that I think people in China heard me.
Oh and “St. Anger” was bad. Baaaaaaaaad.
Which leads me to be mean for the sake of being mean….with all that money they kept by going after napster, couldn’t Lars visit an orthodontist? That’s as close to metal as they can get anymore.
Yes, because when it comes to good dental care, “Nothing Else Matters.” See what I did there?
Great Post! Metallica is nothing more to me than an ill fated arm tattoo an ex had…one of the reasons he was a douche.
The best part is I happened to have the laptop opened and the small child I care for walked by, saw the picture of Lars up top and said “Why’s that crazy woman making that ridiculous face?”
Your small child is evidentally wise beyond its years
You forgot:
To Live is To Die…Again
Fade Back to Light
Yes, I am Evil
Fight Fire with Water
Damage Inc. is now Chin Chang Chung Industries
If these get used, I’m suing too.
OOOOO, I wish I had thought of a couple of those. Gotta love Fight Fire with Water!
Fuckin Metallica! Unforgiven III. GTFOH. I hate Lars with the upmost fire of hell hate. They were such a great band, they should have stopped while they were ahead….ugh….can we just go back to the days of Ride the Lightning and Sanitarium….ugh…unforgiven III? jeez!!!
Donk’s personal theory: Cliff Burton was the true genius of the band. Think about it: he died and very soon after they started to suck
Oh damn, those are hilarious song ideas. You should totally become a life coach!
Already am, Aaron, already am. My blogs have been spreading the knowledge for 3 long years now
oh GREAT DONK! your depth of knowledge is mystifying!!!
Im going to put it out there:
Donk > Kevin
And I’m going to put THIS out there: James=Donk’s Man Crush.
I totally agree with you kevin, and justice for all was the peak for their career, and when they went after napster, i tought to myself, thats the only way the can make money now….
they should retire.
And one more title
The Unforgiven Meets Rocky Balboa
Lars you can use it, i wont sue. I would even pay you to use that title!
Donk wrote this one, not Kev
Sorry there, dont make it a habit to look at the author, i just supposed (wrongly) its all written by the same person.
Thank you Donk!!! People look at me like I’m nuts when I say I don’t particularly like Metallica… and that really is just for their corporate douchebaggery/hypocrisy. Having said that, I still do listen to a good chunk of their music… what? I can like the music and despise the band.
And big laughs to the song titles.
Their first four albums are some of the best metal ever released. Brilliant.
f*** metallica, go listen to megadeth! \m/
FUCK….YEAH. Mustaine OWNS Metallica. He may be a dick, but he’s OUR dick
Never be the same without Newsted….still you’ll find me in the pit on January 18th….
Unforgiven III? Woe. Love the suggestions, how about adding Last Caress II? I loved that song, it’s what got me even listening to these morons. After the Black album…there was the Napster debacle and other whiny tripe…pffft. Disturbed got my cash.
You had me until Disturbed my friend.
You know they’re really in deep shit if they start writing song sequels to songs they didn’t even write… “Last Caress” – Misfits; “Am I Evil?” – Diamond Head
The main reason I hated Metallica before today was having to sit through drunken Metalhead wannabes screaming along to “Enter Sandman” “Nothing Else Matters” and even their cover of “Turn The Page” at karaoke. Now I’m glad to have a REAL reason to hate them. Thanks Donk!
Enter Sandman gets a free pass because it clearly is their best song on the Black album
Donk speaks the truth
i like how as fans we feel that the band is doing something bad as if WE created the music or somehow know better or more about how the band should be. Why not start your own band since you know SO much about how good music should be, instead of just writing what a grand majority of internet music fans are already writing. It’s easy to criticize, but its hard to create something on your own and rival the success or quality.
Decent advice, but eh, I think I’ll take the easy way out and write about bands that clearly peaked creatively 20 years ago and have embraced their inner suck ever since. You know what it’s called when the “grand majority of internet music fans” say you suck? It’s called the truth.
Ive heard two songs off Death Magnetic. The Day That Never Comes is pretty good. My Apocalypse didnt impress me.
Neither are anything special, and Lars’ drumming just gets worse and worse
I’ve been saying this stuff about Metallica for a long time. Glad someone agrees about the Black album… Overproduced piece of trash that it is. Hell, every other track fades, and the others end abruptly. As if they took the time to order out which track was going to fade out at the end.. That’s just stupid.
That said, almost anything they do now has to be a step in the right direction compared to the last three albums. They should take lessons from Megadeth and Iron Maiden, whose newer albums seem to be getting better (especially vocally).
Agreed. Megadeth’s recent 2 albums have been a big return to form.
You couldn’t be more right about them peaking at …and justice for all.
You should watch out using Nothing Else Matters II: Electric Boogaloo as a song title. Breakin 2 has been on showtime alot lately and I gotta say those guys look pretty tough and I’m sure after they kill you they will have a dance off on your grave and use it to raise money for their youth center.
Thank you so much for posting this.
little known fact, the art for the Load album was actually a picture of sperm mixed with blood, so you could rightly say they’ve been splooging all over their music AT LEAST since that album.
Metallica = Douchecocks
I threw up in my mouth the first and only time I listened to St Anger – I still can’t believe Bob Rock allowed such crap to hit the street; my copy is a disfuntional excuse for a produced album… every track was pinning the Vu meter’s needle!
if Lars wacky lawsuits lands him in more debt from legal fees, he could always become a roadie… for GNR
Speaking of GNR, I think they must have commissioned ‘Unforgiven III: You Can’t Forgive Suck’ as to take some heat off of ‘Chinese Democracy’.
Hmmm… how about ‘Unforgiven III- Electric Boogalee’? Any takers?
I think it’s absolutely hilarious that on this page you’re sponsored by Metallical ringtones.
They peaked with Master of Puppets, face it. And Justice … was still great. Black had its moments. Load had Ain’t My Bitch, which isn’t bad hard rock.
And then …
Anyone remember Bill Hicks’ phrase about “sucking Satan’s dick”? Exactly.
“WTF” is right. Donk rocks.
I think this may be the best thing you’ve ever written. Everything you’ve said here is platinum and impeccable.