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How can I hit on a TSA official?

By: Bobby Finstock on 08/22/08 @ 9:28 am

The last few times I have flown down to NYC on an early morning flight I have noticed a TSA (Transportation Security Administration) official at the gate of US Airways that looks like Jessica Alba. Each time I have gone through the security checkpoint we both have noticed each other and have given quick smiles. Usually I have no problem approaching women but I feel a little odd about trying to work it with someone that is attempting to racially profile airline passengers… er… I mean protect our skies.

So I have decided that a creative approach needs to be taken with this. Here are a couple of ideas that I came up with.

-Spell out my number using toiletries in my carry on bag.

There are a few issues with this idea though. First off there is no guarantee that she will be working the x-ray scanner which could lead to a really uncomfortable moment if Hank the closest homosexual TSA official feels a bid randy.

Also I don’t have enough toiletries to spell out a number. I would have to depend way too much on Q-tips. Which I don’t think looks classy. Tampons yes, Q-tips no.

-Create a device that I can strap to my body that when I pull a cord releases confetti and inflates balloons that will majestically float off my chest.

I call this the “bomb of fun” some people might not appreciate the “bomb of fun” in fact I would probably end up shot. Although they would probably feel shitty for shooting me in a balloon inflates and floats to the ceiling after filling me full of bullet holes. In the end I would be vindicated, well probably not.

-Voluntarily ask for a body cavity search.

How do you cleverly ask for one of these? “There maybe something in my rectum, there may not be, there is only one way to find out. And bring the Jessica Alba look alike, it looks like she has tiny fingers and probably can really get up there.”

After reviewing these options I guess I really don’t have a shot.

Maybe I use my usual technique of just sitting there and watching her work. Waiting for her to leave so I can follow her to her car to talk to her. Chicks love that.

Have you ever wanted to talk to someone in a totally inappropriate place and/or time?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

20 Responses to “How can I hit on a TSA official?”

  1. chris in canada says:

    oh my

  2. Gina says:

    Pack you underpants with diamond rings. When she has to scan you, pull them out and give them to her. Mm, sweaty ball rings.

  3. Carolyn says:

    I think your best bet is to write “I [heart] you” on your butt cheeks in marker, with the heart around your asshole, and then ask for that voluntary body cavity search. She’ll be blown away by your efforts.

  4. Carolyn says:

    p.s. got the bumper stickers today! thanks! but i was really hoping for that tracing, and you really let me down.

  5. Alexis says:

    I think all of those would work. Please try them all and let us know.

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  7. Taylor Blue says:

    All I have to say is that when I was boarding the plane in Hamilton, Ontario with my two children I got padded down. The alarm kept going off…have they never heard of under wire bras?? Hello, what am I going to do with two kids with me. AND, I was flying somewhere in Canada. I was not impressed!!!

  8. Karl Rove says:

    Unless you want Hank to give you the cavity search, I probably wouldn’t go with the last option.

    Oh, and I got the bumper stickers yesterday. They’ll be placed illegally around Boston. Something’s gotta cover up the Ron Paul one near my building.

  9. Marjorie says:

    I personally think you should see if she is doing the scanner, and if she is have a bag full of sex toys to intrigue her mind. Then you two can hit it off, and live happily ever after!

  10. Isha says:

    just put something metal under ur sacs to make the metal detector go off. maybe she’ll like what she frisks…..oh wait…they only let the men frisk men…..oh well.

    ps thank you for the bumper sticker, i got it yesterday. i, too, was disappointed there was no tracing of the penis….I was gonna rate you on it. anyways, im gonna “learn” these folks in dallas, ga about pointless banter with my spiffy bumper sticker. Its going right next to my C student bangs your honor student bumper sticker.

  11. Jeff says:

    Just whip it out, dude.

  12. Matty says:

    I can just imagine her being pretty bad-ass and having her treat you like Luke Wilson in Old School, with an M-16 pointed at you. If you still feel fluffed and she feels your vibe after that, she is yours.

  13. Meghan says:

    Ehhh…I kinda suffer from saying what I am thinking to whomever at any given moment. Whether I am trying to attract them or not. Usually not!

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