I answer the question, if a man watches The Hills is he no longer a man?
There are certain things a man should not attempt to do in his lifetime. One such thing a man shouldn’t do is trying to light a fart on fire if they have a really hairy ass. Another such thing a man should avoid doing is a trying to pick a fight with a professional boxer just to prove that boxers aren’t that tough. While there are many things that we shouldn’t do, men are inherently stupid and attempt to do them anyway.
Last night I did one of those things, I attempted to watch an entire episode of The Hills. For the longest time I wore it like of badge of honor that I never watched the show. I even threw it in an ex-girlfriend’s face that I only watched quality television like Arrested Development, The Wire, Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Shield, and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. (Like you motherfuckers don’t shed a tear when they move the bus.)
Audrina
Sure I know “of” the people on the show, I studied their recent cover for Rolling Stone (by studied I mean covering my cock with a sock and rubbing one off to pictures of Audrina). I read the accompanying article and decided that if I ever saw Spencer Pratt on the street I would attempt to reach up through his ass and pull his spine out on principle alone. More importantly though I decided that I needed to understand this phenomenon and why people were compelled to watch. Was it to decide if the show was fake and staged or a true representation of life? Did these women hold the secret to the universe and eternal happiness? Is it vastly entertaining in a horribly mystifyingly stupid way like listening to Britney Spears talk about time travel?
I sat down last night to find out and I kept a running diary of the season premiere of season four of The Hills. Here are my findings:
Lauren is at work talking to a co-worker. Apparently her job is to hang clothing and talk. This is what I ascertained from their conversation:
-Lo and Audrina (Lauren’s housemates) don’t like each other. This is the least shocking thing ever. When more than two girls live together they don’t get along. I think it has something to do with full moons and menstruation.
-Lauren has a date with a guy she went to high school with named Doug. According to Lauren this is her first date since Brodie Jenner and her biological clock is ticking or her batteries are running low in her monster vibrator that she keeps in her panty drawer. (Just guessing.) Whichever the case Lauren needs a high hard one.
Five bucks says that sock puppet has a tongue that has gone places that he would rather not talk about
-They cut to Heidi at “work” for like two seconds. Her nose looks like Michael Jackson’s, plastic and news…. Just sayin.’
Keep her away from open flames
-Audrina is talking to her co-worker Chiara (shockingly she is white). Chiara fills the Ugly Betty role apparently. They talk about Audrina’s upcoming birthday party and the tension in the house. My guess is the tension might be caused by Lauren’s dried up and unused vagina. Perhaps Doug will save the day.
-We cut back to Heidi’s apartment. Her sister is in town and Spencer is pouting on the couch while playing X-Box. Heidi informs Spencer to be nice to which he replies, “Nice is my middle name.” Who knew?
-Doug shows up for his date with Lauren, he has spiked hair and firmly supplants himself in douchebag land. Lauren asks Doug how he is adjusting to live in LA. Um, they went to high school in Laguna Beach, which is less than an hour away from LA, what is there to adjust to?
-Okay what is the deal with the continuous soundtrack with the bottom scroll announcing what band is playing? Was there an executive decision at MTV, “Fuck videos we can just play 20 seconds of a song during a show.” Have our attention spans become that…. Oh look my remote buttons light up in the dark.
-At dinner Lauren orders a fuzzy dragon, which is also probably a perverse sexual act on urbandictionary.com let me check. Flaming dragon yes… fuzzy dragon no.
-So the date is going well and Lauren asks Doug to the party for Audrina. Doug asks who the party is forand then asks Lauren if she is a friend. So we are supposed to believe Doug has never watched or paid any attention to a show that his friend from high school is on and is completely unaware of the existence of Audrina? I don’t even watch the show and I have yanked it to her multiple times, come on Doug don’t play dumb.
-There is a commercial for the new version of 90210 and Michael from The Wire is on it. I can’t watch that show because all I will be able to think about his him shooting Bodie in the head. No, I don’t have the ability to separate actors from their previous roles.
There are a number of reasons why you would never want Omar coming up from behind on you
-The party begins and two guys show up wearing Kobe Bryant jerseys. Now I have another reason to hate the show, these guys, and everyone involved with the people on here. I can’t wait for one of them to rape a party guest after slipping them a roofie, Kobe would be proud.
-Lo apparently said something rude to Audrina in front of Lauren. Or maybe it wasn’t rude it was just edited to look that way because it didn’t sound rude, this show has officially blurred fantasy and reality for me.
-Heidi takes her sister to get a makeover in a high-end salon in LA. Too bad they can’t do anything for her double chin.
-Back at the party Doug keeps ditched by Lauren who is trying to find out why Lo isn’t at the party. She was upstairs playing with her dog for an hour. Why I do get the feeling peanut butter was prominently involved?
-Lauren begins to figure out that Audrina and Lo can never really be friends. Apparently cunts (Lo) and idiots (Audrina) can’t mix; it is like oil and water. Lauren forces the two to sit down and talk. Lo goes over to the pool house where Audrina stays and they have a heart to heart. Lo comes in and says “hi” in the most fake tone of voice known to man. Ranking right up there with the greeter at Wal-Mart and an Indian call center employee.
Lo = bitch
-Finally the two have it out and Lo deploys the bitchiest female arguing technique. She listens to Audrina’s complaints, gives her some fake validation, and then totally turns the argument against her and destroys her with some totally unfounded and illogical reasons for why they don’t get along. I feel like I am watching an argument made by every ex-girlfriend I hate. After Lo piles on Audrina tells her flat out, “We will never be friends.”
Lo made a facial expression that would rival a kid walking in on his mother having sex with the postman, milkman, and candlestick maker all the same time. (More for the shock of actually seeing a milkman and a candlestick maker actually existing in the modern world rather than the gratuitous sex.)
What did I learn?
I have no idea.
What did you learn from my review of the Hills?
I learned that I’m not the only one that hates this show. But you can bet your ass I’ll continue to watch it. Don’t judge me.
Oh…and it’s way to early to have to read about a flaming dragon, yo…
and apparently, it’s way too early to use “to” and “too” correctly….
Is it ever too early to read about the flaming dragon?
Damn It! I was going to reference urbandictionary.com in my newest writing. I was leaning toward using the term “Pink Sock”, though.
Never watched The Hills, never will. I am the only male alive that hasn’t yet. I win.
Scratch that. A Dirty Pump. Yeah, that was the one.
P.S. – When do I get my call up to the bigs? Donkeysosa got his. Isn’t it late season call-up time yet?
There will be wholesale roster changes
Urban dictionary is my favorite website…
I lerned from your review that I will never watch this show and that MTV needs to be wiped from the face of the earth. Oh and the people that watch this show are complete morons.
Present company excluded right?
sniffle
Yes present company excluded your research was scientific and saved me from having to hurt my eyes and brain watching it. I’ll be nominating you for a Noble when I can find the paper work to do so.
There are so many forms to fill out with that… I would take an AVN award.
An AVN award it is what catagory do you want to be nominated for most cocks taken in one scene of best anal?
Jesus, for someone that has never watched you paid pretty close attention! I watched that episode and all I could remember is that I really wished True Life: I have a Summer Share was on.
Tune Out.
It is all about using the tivo and pausing to take notes.
I think is a great assessment…well actually I haven’t read it…I haven’t seen the episode and there looks like a whole lot of spoilers in it. You sure did notice a lot of details. Are you sure you aren’t a woman?
No I just checked. I have a twig and berries.
Ha ha!!! A small twig and berries??
Hey… wait a second
What??? I was just asking if they were small…I didn’t imply they were…are they?
I’ve never attempted an epsiode of the Hills, never watched Laguna Beach… I actually try to avoid MTV as much as possible. My niece is constantly trying to get custody of the remote so she can watch Run’s House of fake or I want to lick P. Diddy’s ass for a living, but she knows when I am home it’s not happening.
I think the only other show on MTV is Robb and Big…
Wow. I am not sure what to say about you watching the show. I am a bit relieved your brain didn’t explode. That was close!
I am a big Intervention fan. I am all about a show that makes me feel better about ME.
Every show makes me feel better about me… Except Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
Oh and I totally get the inability to see an actor as anything but one role.
To me, Mark Harmon will always be Ted Bundy.
He will always be the teacher in Summer School
Great write-up! Wifey tried to get me to watch and feel asleep halfway through…can’t stand those type of shows. Couldn’t stop laughing on your blog – consider it “dugg”
Thanks I appreciate it!
i hate this show, and i watched it last night, forced by friends that watch it. and that one bitchy blond girl was angry at the dense dark haired girl for inviting her group of friends to her own birthday party. that makes ZERO sense! this will NEVER invade my tv space again. unless someone tells me that the blond douche guy spencer gets shanked in an episode. then count me in.
He has no redeemable qualities as a human being
Wait! Oil and water DON’T mix?!
This was my Mr. Wizard moment
Just curious, when exactly did MTV start to suck ass. I remember they used to have videos, and concerts, and shows about music. Then I lived without cable for 5 years. Now it’s all shitty like an old mans depends. When exactly did the exec’s decide Music Television should have nothing to do with music. It’d be like BET only playing The Brady Bunch and Happy Days.
I blame it all on Real World San Fransisco
Actually, scratch that parallell, that programming would be an improvement.
That could be comment of the day so far.
My friend Chris was in a bar in L.A. the other day and Lauren from the Hills hit on him. He sat with her and her friends for about two seconds before he left. One of his friends stopped him, and the following conversation took place within her earshot:
Friend: Are you crazy? That’s Lauren from “The Hills.”
Chris: What the fuck is “The Hills”?
Friend: It’s this TV show.
Chris: So what? She’s stupid.
that is freaking great…
My daughter tried to introduce me to the Hills last night… she sat there explaining why this skank hated that skank and who’s doing who. I finally asked “what do these people do for a living?” The best answer I got was “skank one does something at a magazine and I think two are still in college or something.’ Yeah, real life my ass. Then my head exploded so I had to make the kid go watch this gay-ass show smoewhere else, anywhere else so that I wouldn’t to be subjected to it’s total suckiness. Never again. But thanks for the recap.
You should just disown her
I think we all got a little less masculine just by reading this. So your question has been answered.
I hate myself for now knowing the names of people on a show that I have refused to watch. I need a quick fix of Arrested Development.
Audrina is no Gob
Do I win the prize for being the only FEMALE in the world who hasn’t watched The Hills, The OC, Gossip Girl, or any other show that portrays rich girls having sex and bitching? I think I should.
I haven’t attempted to view the gossip girl yet.
Never watched these shows either, hell I never watched TV anyways.
I would think your testes would descend back into your body upon viewing. They should put a warning prior. Didn’t they already make this show a billion times before?
I can’t imagine that any episode would ever be different.
Okay, a man should never read past about the second paragraph of this article, if he does, that counts as watching the same show.
But with a hell of a lot better commentary
I’m sorry, I couldn’t even finish reading this one. It’s either because I’m too drunk, or because I care that little about the subject matter. And/or don’t need emasculating, ’cause I’m a girl. Either way… great blog (probably).
Night.
Huh? lol…
I like the show…
but my own “Hills” are much nicer and softer.
It had to be said.
Feel better yet?
i was one of those proud people that never watched laguna beach or “the hills”. and i couldn’t figure out why my EX MARINE brother and his wife just HAD to watch it. and not just watched it cuz his wife watched it, but like, TIVO’d it, and watched it later if he had to work. then i started hearing all the shit in the tabloids, so i gave it a gander. i have to admit even though i know now that they “script” encounters, i still watch the damn thing.
lmao. I’ve seen that show a couple of times and I don’t get it either.
or not of.
I won that last year