Scientists Prove Beer Goggles Are Real
For every story I have about a successful sexual conquest with an attractive girl, I have a matching story about a girl that makes me physically ill when I think about her. (Like the pudding girl.) My friends have given me shit about my mistakes for years including one specific person that is brought up over and over and over and over again. In fact she might as well have given me herpes because I will never escape her grasp. (Let me be clear that I in fact do not have herpes. Just a really bad case of genital warts that look like that tree guy from Indonesia.)
(Wait I should probably clear up that I do not have genital warts, it was a joke people.)
While I have lived with the shame of the occasional poor choices in the hook up department I now officially have an excuse. Beer goggles have been scientifically proven to exist. I rank this discovery right up there with the discovery of the Polio Vaccine because now I don’t make poor choices; I just have an illness that is brought on by binge drinking.
There are so many benefits to this discovery:
-I can no longer be made fun of because of my poor choices. Because it is an illness my friends can never make fun of me. Just like you can’t make fun of people with AIDS or Cancer.
“Hey Tom why are you all thin and have lesions on your face?”
“I have AIDS.”
“Looks like I know who I am not getting a blood transfusion from. So can I cross you off my Christmas card list or do you think you are going to be around then? Just kidding buddy.”
See totally inappropriate.
-The morning after will never be awkward again. Instead of getting a phone number, saying you will call, trying your best to sneak out of the room, or god forbid trying to figure out how to kick them out of your apartment. You can be blunt and tell them that you suffer from a disorder and that they really need to leave.
Of course by being vague it will send them to the clinic to get checked out for STDS. But really if you can’t have some fun with your illness how can you make it through?
This discovery is simply groundbreaking. I can’t wait for the new project that they are working on. They are attempting to prove that if you eat a thing of Pop Rocks and drink a can of Pepsi your stomach will explode.
Where does this rank in the pantheon of human discovery?
On 08/15/08 at 9:46 am
Marcie said:
this ranks rather high…because there have been a few times ive woken up…eyes still blurred….and the ugliest guy is next to me..one even stared and watched me sleep…I blamed the beer googles and now that I know they are real…i wont feel so bad..but…Id still rather have herpees lol
On 08/15/08 at 10:45 am
Bobby Finstock said:
The whole watching someone sleep thing is so creepy. If I woke up with a girl staring at me I would probably have to shove her out of bed.
On 08/15/08 at 9:54 am
Sarahh said:
I thought you said Beer Googles. So, what you are saying is that Google ISN’T giving away free beer?
Dammit.
This is my question. Is there a CURE for Beer Gogglitis? A shot, or some kind of gum. Patch maybe?
On 08/15/08 at 10:45 am
Bobby Finstock said:
I hope there isn’t cure. I wouldn’t have an excuse anymore
On 08/15/08 at 9:55 am
Gina said:
Ever consider that beer goggles might be the reason someone wants to lay YOU?
On 08/15/08 at 10:44 am
Bobby Finstock said:
Never…I’m a fucking catch
On 08/15/08 at 10:08 am
Charlotte said:
So Kevin, you’re saying you’d do tree guy after a couple beers? (sorry, I just skimmed the post)
On 08/15/08 at 10:46 am
Bobby Finstock said:
He is the only human being that really creeps me out… and Cheney
On 08/15/08 at 10:21 am
Em Em said:
Right up there with fire and the wheel, my friend.
On 08/15/08 at 10:47 am
Bobby Finstock said:
The greatest modern achievement…
On 08/15/08 at 12:02 pm
Carolyn said:
I cannot even look at that picture. It makes me gag. I feel bad for the dude, I could just never look at him.
You are so going to hell for that aids joke. That was hilarious.
On 08/15/08 at 2:22 pm
chama86 said:
The reason I know “Bobby” has this hideous infliction is that he was also the first to try and have his medical insurance cover his disease true story
On 08/15/08 at 2:36 pm
Meghan said:
I love that they detail their findings in the Journal of Alcohol and Alcoholism!!! Excellent.
Any word on how it blinds our opinion on intelligence? I’ve given out digits to a perceived intellectual only to have him call me and find out he is a complete dipshit. Beer Brains?
On 08/15/08 at 4:02 pm
bishop said:
Wow i suffer from this affliction as well. It can be down right hard the next day or even a few months down the road. Maybe we need to start a group for people like us. To share of how it has changed our lives.
On 08/15/08 at 4:08 pm
Jeff said:
I wonder if I can get some disability checks for this.
On 08/15/08 at 6:19 pm
idl3mind said:
I own several pairs of Beer Goggles
On 08/20/08 at 1:12 pm
LA said:
Another scientfic fact, beer IS the date rape drug of choice ugly chics use to get boys into bed. Or so I’ve heard.
On 08/20/08 at 4:40 pm
Scott said:
I think I took part in this study.