WTF Do I Need 14 Rolls For?
The other day I ordered a salad from a restaurant around the corner from my house. I walked over there to pick it up and they asked if I would like any rolls with the salad. Being a fan of anything that is warm and yeast filled (jump to your own conclusions about that) I replied affirmatively.
When I got home I opened the bag to see 14 rolls in it. I only ordered a salad, why would they think I needed 14 rolls? It wasn’t like I was ordering a bunch of dishes that necessitated a plethora of rolls. Plus how could I eat 14 rolls? Even if I had 3 with the salad and then heated some up the next morning I still would be halfway through the bag of rolls.
yeasty, like Amy Winehouse's Vag
As I thought about it I got a little self-conscious. Is there something about me that screams, “This fat bastard looks like he could seriously eat a shit load of rolls, lets give him 14!” Then I thought maybe the girl behind the counter was flirting with me and figured the way to my heart was through warm doughy rolls.
After spending about an hour thinking about this I went back to work. A few hours later the roll problem was still sticking in my craw. I don’t want to waste these rolls but I clearly couldn’t eat them all. So what did I decide to do?
I ended up using the rolls for alternative purposes.
1) I played a game of dodge ball against myself in the mirror throwing rolls. Of course this ended violently when I get pissed off at myself for chucking it against the mirror and the roll coming back and hitting me in the eye.
2) Put pencils in the rolls for arms and legs and reenacted scenes from “Empire Strikes Back.” You could feel the sexual tension when the Princess Leah roll asked the Han Solo roll, “Would it help if I got out and pushed?”
She gave me my first boner
3) Laid naked on my bed and saw if I could toss the roll over my shoulder and into my ass crack. I found out that I apparently have poor aim and that my ass isn’t conducive for catching anything.
In the end the rolls got tossed out but I would like to think that they didn’t go to waste and that I used them in a productive manner. Of course I could have just donated them to the homeless guy around the corner but eh… I wouldn’t have learned anything about my rectum if I did.
What would you do with 14 rolls?
Hollow out a penis-sized hole into one, get the butter out and… but hey, that’s just me. (Also, with 14 you won’t have to re-use any.) It’s win-win.
How did I not think about that?
it just hit me
she gave you those rolls to have sex with because you ordered a salad. She knew you werent a real man because real men dont order just a salad. Because of this, she knew you werent going home to a girl or going to have a girl any time soon.
Im not sure if she was feeling bad for you or just being really mean.
so I should just cut my penis off now…. that’s what you are saying?
I would give them to the homeless.
After I had sex with them? Uh… that is disgusting
Extra proteins?
Always being health conscious.
I want to have sex with you for saying that.
Looks like you have scored Bobby.
Roll bowling.
or roll baseball or roll football
I think we should replace all the olympic events
well you could use them to level you table…
I would need a table first
It’s better to ask Oprah what she’d do.
She has 14 rolls.
Really thought I was going to see some kind of Michelin Man reference when I read the blog title
But you got an Oprah reference which ends up being the same thing
1) Maybe she thought that if you found her phone number in roll #14, you would get to play with her doughy buns
2) Maybe she was punishing you for ordering a salad. A real man wouldnt order just a salad.
Im going with #2
I was going to make a “i’d place my butter stick between her doughy buns” joke but #2 depressed me
Maybe the guy filling the roll bag spaced off and didn’t realize how many he put in there.
He was probably stoned like every other restaurant worker.
You could make a very delightful centerpiece for your non-existent table by stacking the rolls in a pyramid shape.
Or, yes, you could fuck them.
You mean replace my lemon centerpiece? Never.
If this was Bertucci’s I have about 10 friends to share this with! Its phenomenal…even if you tell them, NO rolls! – that brings the number down to 6!!!
Yes… yes it was Bertucci’s
Hmm, now I have the strange urge to try the throwing over the shoulder and catching in the ass crack idea….
…anyway some places like to give a lot of rolls, there are plenty restaurants across the US that give more than 10 rolls for one salad.
You could have saved them to put down your pants to make it look like you have a big package. When the rest got stale and hard, you could have put them down your pants (preferably tight leather pants) and head out to a gay club. It’s acceptable to look like you have a boner there.
Just a heads up for next time, ok? (Ahahaha, I made a great pun there and it wasn’t even on purpose…)
Sounds like you’ve done this before…
Send them to our troops. It’s the yeast you can do…
noviorbis here,
do like that girl you are smooching with
Okay, I will agree 14 is alot but a “plethora” of rolls? Really? If it truly were a “plethora” you should have made the Millenium Falcon! I can not hear the word plethora and not think of the movie The Three Amigos!
They figured you couldn’t possibly fill up on just a salad.
And the guy was stoned. Takes one to know one.
Fourteen rolls? I would have broken them up, put the pieces on someone’s car, and watch birds shit all over it while trying to eat.
You could have frozen them, or given them to homeless people, or scattered them outside for the birds.