It is time once again for another edition of Seventeen Magazine’s Questions Answered. I take real questions from the online edition of Seventeen and tackle the hard hitting questions of girls.
Q:”How can you tell when you’ve had an orgasm?”
–Carly, 17, Belleville, IL
A: Such a silly girl. Don’t you know that the female orgasm is a myth? Here is a little joke that you can tell your female friends.
What does a female President and you having an orgasm have in common?
Neither will happen in your lifetime.
Q: “My nipples are huge and hairy. It’s really embarrassing when the hair sticks out from my swimsuit and people see it. I want to do something to make the hair stop growing and make it so there is not as much. What can I do? Also, is this normal?”
–Ellie, 15, Mill Valley, CA
A: Holy crap. No it isn’t normal. You should be planning a life in the circus as a sideshow freak. Or you might as well become a dude. Start watching “Boys Don’t Cry” a lot and learn what your future holds.
Q: “I don’t have a boyfriend, but I have a lot of guy friends. I kind of want to get sex over with and just do it with one of them. Would I regret having sex for the first time with a friend?”
–Sarah, 17, Portland, ME
A: Honestly Sarah you are going to regret whomever you have sex with the first time. In fact I see a lot of regret in your life going forward. I imagine you will regret at least 4 out of every 5 partners. Up from the usual female average of 2 out of every 5.
You are supposed to regret the first person you have sex with. It is never some beautiful experience that you see in the movies. It is painful, awkward, and unsatisfying much like prison rape. (not that I would know, I think I read that somewhere)
Q: “Does sleeping in a bra really increase your chances of getting breast cancer?”
–Jessica, 16, Las Vegas, NV
A: No but playing “tune in Tokyo” or giving someone a “purple nurple” increases your chances my 25%.
Q: “I come from a family who doesn’t believe in sex before marriage, but I want to have sex. How do I talk to my mom about this?”
–Jenny, 14, Winnipeg, CA
A: Your mother sounds really uptight. So I believe you need to create a distraction that will lesson the blow a little. Next time you are at dinner take a sip of milk and begin to let it trickle onto your chin and onto the table. When your mother asks you what you are doing reply saying, “This is what I did the other night but it was with my boyfriend’s sperm.”
At this point she will be torn between making sure the milk doesn’t hurt her favorite oak dinner table and your announcement that you are giving head like a guy working a glory hole in West Hollywood. It is probably the perfect time to bring it up. Then take a celery stalk and… wait that might not be appropriate at the dinner table.
What was the biggest false rumor you believed about sex growing up?