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How can I talk to my mom about sex?

By: Bobby Finstock on 07/28/08 @ 7:32 am

It is time once again for another edition of Seventeen Magazine’s Questions Answered. I take real questions from the online edition of Seventeen and tackle the hard hitting questions of girls.

Q:”How can you tell when you’ve had an orgasm?”
–Carly, 17, Belleville, IL

A: Such a silly girl. Don’t you know that the female orgasm is a myth? Here is a little joke that you can tell your female friends.

What does a female President and you having an orgasm have in common?
Neither will happen in your lifetime.

Q: “My nipples are huge and hairy. It’s really embarrassing when the hair sticks out from my swimsuit and people see it. I want to do something to make the hair stop growing and make it so there is not as much. What can I do? Also, is this normal?”
–Ellie, 15, Mill Valley, CA

A: Holy crap. No it isn’t normal. You should be planning a life in the circus as a sideshow freak. Or you might as well become a dude. Start watching “Boys Don’t Cry” a lot and learn what your future holds.

Guess what? I don't have a cock.

Guess what? I don't have a cock.

Q: “I don’t have a boyfriend, but I have a lot of guy friends. I kind of want to get sex over with and just do it with one of them. Would I regret having sex for the first time with a friend?”
–Sarah, 17, Portland, ME

A: Honestly Sarah you are going to regret whomever you have sex with the first time. In fact I see a lot of regret in your life going forward. I imagine you will regret at least 4 out of every 5 partners. Up from the usual female average of 2 out of every 5.

You are supposed to regret the first person you have sex with. It is never some beautiful experience that you see in the movies. It is painful, awkward, and unsatisfying much like prison rape. (not that I would know, I think I read that somewhere)

Q: “Does sleeping in a bra really increase your chances of getting breast cancer?”
–Jessica, 16, Las Vegas, NV

A: No but playing “tune in Tokyo” or giving someone a “purple nurple” increases your chances my 25%.



Q: “I come from a family who doesn’t believe in sex before marriage, but I want to have sex. How do I talk to my mom about this?”
–Jenny, 14, Winnipeg, CA

A: Your mother sounds really uptight. So I believe you need to create a distraction that will lesson the blow a little. Next time you are at dinner take a sip of milk and begin to let it trickle onto your chin and onto the table. When your mother asks you what you are doing reply saying, “This is what I did the other night but it was with my boyfriend’s sperm.”

At this point she will be torn between making sure the milk doesn’t hurt her favorite oak dinner table and your announcement that you are giving head like a guy working a glory hole in West Hollywood. It is probably the perfect time to bring it up. Then take a celery stalk and… wait that might not be appropriate at the dinner table.

What was the biggest false rumor you believed about sex growing up?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

34 Responses to “How can I talk to my mom about sex?”

  1. Meghan says:

    Huge under-aged hairy nipples?? I’m up too early for that.

    Biggest sex rumor…I’d find one perfect man at age 18, have sex to violins/rolling waves/sunset and live happily ever after in a three bedroom house on a lake. Pffft!

  2. Max Forlani says:

    I remember a similar one from the time I was reading (and laughing with) the questions asked in one of those puber magazines:

    “I’m E from T, 15 years old and have a 3-week relationship with J from E, 16 years old. We are thinking about having sex and want to know if a tampon is a good preservative?”

    These questions were often so unbelievable, that I wonder whether they are actual questions or did the editors make them up.


  3. Carolyn says:

    I don’t think we had any totally out there misconceptions. But I do remember that we all thought hickies were cool. Seriously. My entire group of girlfriends always had hickies.
    Oh, and we used to time how long we could french kiss. We were 12!

  4. kate says:

    false rumor? white guys are small. that rumor was thrown out the window when i met my first boyfriend.

  5. bishop says:

    These are solid gold answers not the regurgitated ones we get from seventeen (and others) who sugar coat every thing. I think you should start publishing your own magazine that way you can inform these teenage females the truth. It would better the world of course this will take about a generation to do so. Do you feel up to bettering the world Mr. Finstock?

  6. chris in canada says:

    What was the biggest false rumor you believed about sex growing up?

    masterbating will make you go blind… mind you I should be wearing bifocals

  7. E says:

    I don’t regret the first guy I had sex with. Biggest falsehood? I was lucky (?) enough to have progressive parents, who dispelled any ridiculous notions. I remember believing when I was about 10 that if you got pregnant from a rape, that the kid would be pure evil, like Chucky or something.

  8. Robby says:

    Your answers are extremely counter productive. I think the biggest false rumor about sex that I heard was that it involved love.

    • shantel says:

      robby u are so right u dont only have to have sex and be in love some people do it just cause their desprete

  9. Kathleen says:

    What was the biggest false rumor you believed about sex growing up?

    You can just do it once to see what it’s like.

  10. Stephanie says:

    Well, I truely believed that sex was french kissing until I was about 14. Then I had my first kiss and I was so worried that I would get pregnant. I was really disgusted when I found out the truth. I asked my older brother and he was like “OMG ASK YOUR MOTHER!”

  11. Jeff says:

    I used to believe that children were genetically bred in pods underneath the Pentagon.

    Oh, wait, I still believe that.

    • Kim says:

      OMG!Me too. Baby pods full of the spawn of Tom Cruise, Dick Cheney and Barack Obama. I feel bad for the poor girls whose eggs are harvested for these genetic monsters. YAY USA!

  12. Ben says:

    Pshh hairy nipples are the best

  13. shantel says:

    i feel when i have sex i just wanna get it over with

  14. shantel says:

    and hairy nipples that is so nasty omg ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

  15. Mich says:

    What was the biggest false rumor you believed about sex growing up?

    Hmmmm… does ‘having sex the (girls) first time doesn’t hurt the guy’ count?

    also – being gay meant that you had aids. C’mon, i’m not gay, but gay people are just so damn fun!

  16. wasey says:

    how can i say to my mom that i want to sex with you??

  17. Ami says:

    Biggest false sex rumor

    You can’t get preggo if you have sex in a pool because of the chlorine.

    I still hear kids saying that today…haha.

  18. Ricky says:

    I am 14 and my gf is 17… She is moving near me next year and we want to have sex! so she will be 18 and ill be 15… my parents are super strict about sex! How do I hide this from them so I can have sex with my fionce? Yes… btw we are engaged!

  19. Ricky says:

    I have been having sex since i was 3… but the biggest rumor to me was that u get kids at babys r us

  20. *Sniffle* no comment

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